Stopping Bad Breath Bart

"Pee-ew! You smell like a skunk soaking in sardine nectar for a week." <br><br> OK, so I can be a little candid every now and then. It's not something I would say to Attila the Hun during a pre-battle pep rally. But it was not Attila the Hun standing in front of me. It was just my buddy Bart. <br><br> "Pee-ew! You have bad breath." <br><br> So when the phone rang that night, the last person I expected to greet me in a cheery voice was Bad Breath Bart. "Hey, Happy Guy. I'm feeling great," he said. "Want to guess why?" <br><br> "You just won the gold medal for the ten-meter turkey toss?" <br><br> "Nope," he replied. "But thanks for the tip. I'll start training for it tomorrow." <br><br> "OK, I give up. Why do you feel so great?" <br><br> "Because I discovered an easy way to stop bad breath," he declared. "Want to guess how?" <br><br> "You bought a book on stopping bad breath and you are following the instructions?" <br><br> "Sa-ay, that's a good idea," Bad Breath Bart said. "But that's not it. My plan is even simpler. I covered up my bad breath." <br><br> "Bart, that won't work. Since Julius Caesar first invaded Paris and declared 'Veni Vidi Vino', people have been trying to cover up their breath. But mint just is not strong enough." <br><br> "Bingo!" he shouted. "Mint is too weak, so I found something stronger. Want to guess what?" <br><br> "You've been rinsing with five-week-old milk?" <br><br> "Nope." <br><br> "You've discovered that cologne is best taken internally?" <br><br> "Nope." <br><br> "You downed a bottle of vanilla extract, mistaking it for beer?" <br><br> "Nope." <br><br> This guessing game was giving me headaches and foot cramps. "I give up, Bart. What's your secret to stopping bad breath?" <br><br> "Garlic," he declared. <br><br> "Garlic?" <br><br> "Garlic. Now nobody can smell my bad breath, because all they smell is garlic," he beamed. <br><br> "Garlic?" <br><br> "Of course, there are some side effects," Bad Breath Bart noted. "For instance, my pet vampire has run away. And this afternoon I blew a kiss to my wife, and she slammed the door on my face." <br><br> "Can I offer an alternative, Bart? Something that won't put your nose in a cast every time you get the irresistible urge to blow at your wife?" <br><br> "Sure." <br><br> "Try using some mouthwash with cetylpyridinium chloride in it. That always works for me." <br><br> "Wow. That's a mouthful," Bad Breath Bart exclaimed. <br><br> I was glad to have finally given Bad Breath Bart a mouthful that would actually help him cure his problem. I did not anticipate the call I would receive the very next evening. <br><br> "Hey, Happy Guy. Thanks for the tip," Bad Breath Bart said. "That cetlip... cettap... centapyr... That unpronounceable mouthwash ingredient is superb." <br><br> "Excellent!" I was thrilled that he had taken my advice and that it was working so well. <br><br> "Yeah. It really tastes great," he continued. <br><br> "Tastes great?" <br><br> "You bet. And so filling, too." <br><br> Suddenly I felt an ominous sensation closing in. "What do you mean by 'filling'?" <br><br> "After taking that cetilp... cettep... certip... that unpronounceable concoction, I don't feel hungry anymore," he explained. <br><br> "Bart, what did you put in that concoction?" <br><br> "Oh, the usual ? ten scoops of ice cream, a cup or two of milk, a bag of chocolate chips, half a banana, some corn flakes, a wombat's ear and the juice out of the maraschino cherry jar," he responded. <br><br> "But that won't stop your bad breath." <br><br> "Oops. I also added that cetip... cetpe... certilp... that unpronounceable ingredient," he added. "It sure tasted good." <br><br> Just then, my wife entered the room. "Honey, I just made you one of your favorite banana-strawberry milkshakes," she said with a smile. <br><br> I looked at the glass she placed in my hand. I looked at it from the top. I looked at it from the bottom. I looked all around it. <br><br> "What are you looking for," she asked. <br><br> I knew she would not believe me. "Chocolate chips and corn flakes." David Leonhardt is a <a target="_new" href="http://www.seo-writer.net/freelance/writer.html">freelance writer in eastern Ontario</a>. Read a longer version about <a target="_new" href="http://www.thehappyguy.com/stop-bad-breath.html">stopping Bad Breath Bart</a> or get healthy with some of his (David's, not Bart's) <a target="_new" href="http://www.vitamin-supplements-store.net">all-natural liquid vitamin supplements</a>.