allergies: 2009

วันพุธที่ 4 กุมภาพันธ์ พ.ศ. 2552

Short Story: Take a Trip To The Temple Of The Great Tomato

Jimmy Jenkins Jr. is not an adventurer, traveler, or pioneer. Far from it, Jimmy has had the same job, in the same office for 15 years. He's got about 2 years of holiday time built up because he never, and I mean never, goes anywhere, not even to the Coast for a day in the sun. He works very hard, is an amicable fellow, but is single, 39 years old, and boring. Boring is this guy's middle name. I don't think he has any hobbies and he never has anything interesting to say, just small talk, and the obligatory work speeches. I wanted to crack this man's shell of monotony and blandness, but how?

You see I'm the complete opposite to Jimmy, his antithesis, and yin to his yang, black to his white. I live for excitement. I live to travel. Beaches, festivals, treks, foreign food, culture, nature, historic sites, and shopping in unfamiliar lands are what make my blood run, my spirit fly, and my heart beat faster than the speed of light. I just had to wake up this man from his static, stagnant existence. I mean there could be nothing unknown about this guy; everything was right in your face, out in the open.

Well, before I began my "Crack Jimmy's shell challenge", I had more important things to do, like get the hell out of there. The famous La Tomatino Festival in Spain was about to happen and I had rigorously organized my trip on the Internet. It's truly amazing the amount of information and help you can get from all the traveling web sites. I like to be organized and prepared for all eventualities that might happen. My air tickets and hotel were booked in advance, and I got all the 'juice' on visas, currency, and transportation (train from Valencia to Bunol-$3.00!) from the Net. I've printed off maps of the city and town, got lists of all the famous attractions, nightspots, and the best restaurants for that authentic paella experience.

So anyway, the weekly festivals were in full motion and I was having the time of my life. A feeling of impending excitement was pervading the air as everyone was getting ready for the culmination of the festival- the biggest food fight in the world. 125 tonnes of tomatoes to be turned into human ketchup in just two hours! No one knows exactly why the tradition began back in the 1950's, but it has become a bit of a religious occasion for those who worship the Temple of the Great Tomato, nah, it's actually Christian. Doesn't matter much to me, I just wanted to be part of the chaos-I even wore a white suit. People say this is a metaphorical attempt at suicide, but I'm always up for a challenge!

Here we go! The battle began. The air turned red, people going berserk at the height of excitement. It seems the white suit wasn't the best idea. I got hammered. Total pulverization. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me as the tomato integrated itself into my soul. I lay on the ground, people running all around me yelling and screaming in Spanish. I looked up through the ketchup dripping thickly off of my eyelids. That's when my mind was totally blown away into oblivion, never to be the same again. Standing in front of me smiling, throwing handfuls of squished tomatoes was none other than Jimmy Jenkins Jr. He bent over, looked me straight in the eye and said,

"Richard Woodward, fancy meeting you here."

I stuttered in astonishment, but no comprehensible words came out. Either the shock or the tomatoes in my mouth were creating the problem. Jimmy spoke again, his smile as wide as a tomato-mad maniac,

" Let me let you in on a bit of secret Richard. I know you won't give me away. You see buddy, I've got an identical brother. We make it look like we're always working for the company, always on time, always there. But in reality we're sharing one man's life and when the other man is at work, the other is traveling the world having huge vacations and partying like mad. It really is hard when it's my turn to go to the office and act so incredibly boring and predictable. Pretty cool eh?"

He then lifted a giant (what looked like a genetically altered) tomato and screaming a tribal yell, smashed it into my face. He then laughed and ran into the tomato-red sunset leaving me 'bloody' and bewildered.

About The Author

Jesse S. Somer

Jesse S. Somer is a space-traveling human hoping to show his fellow Earth-dwellers the hidden opportunities found in the Internet.

New Orleans First to Experience Housing Bubble Burst

Are we starting to see the Housing Bubble Burst in the wake of Hurricane Katrina? In New Orleans many homeowner's had their equity literally washed away. They are upside down in negative equity and basically underwater. It appears that the New Orleans Housing marker has gone down the drain. New Orleans experienced significant growth in the past year, prices had increased; many had taken out second loans to pay off credit car debt, which helped fuel the economy there. Relatively few need their credit cards for recent shopping sprees, as they just broke in with a little help from their friends and took those few items they needed for survival. You know like a; Surround-A-Sound System, with HDTV, 64" Flat Panel Display to watch your favorite local team the Saints.

Yes the market is flooded with homes for sale in the City New Orleans indeed. Some of these fine homes are not only very cheap now, but they come with the former residents still inside. The local economic development association director issues a recent statement that he and his staff are very optimistic about the future of the New Orleans real estate and that they do not see a dry period in the housing market there. In addition they indicated that New Orleans has a lot going for it; water rates are cheap with an abundant supply and sewage is not a problem also quite abundant. But that is not all. They touted their many shopping districts with rock bottom prices, so low in fact it was almost like stealing and the city at this point is not even charging sales tax, almost like a duty free shopping spree. Crime and community services are also not a problem and are both abundant and non-existent. Transportation is not a problem there is virtually no traffic at all. Think about the New Orleans housing market, get in on the ground floor while prices are cheap.

"Lance Winslow" - If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; <a target="_new" href="http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs">http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs</a>

วันอังคารที่ 3 กุมภาพันธ์ พ.ศ. 2552

Bed Bugs Bite

I just turned on the news a minute ago and wondered why there weren't news flashes regarding when -- and perhaps where -- people are turning on the news. Sometimes it is a slow news week, and there's not much to read in Newsweek, so maybe this could take up some space. I think that's how Neptune got there...

What I am really wondering, though, is how bed bugs got their reputation. Don't worry, there is no need to inspect your bed spread, although I heard the spread does improve the taste of toast. But I've been thinking for at least 32 seconds about the history of bed bugs and why they are among the most feared creatures in the world, and possibly in the universe, assuming that other worlds have beds. Think about it. We don't tell people, "Don't let the rabid dogs bite" or "Don't let the spiders bite" unless we're in the White House, in which case all warnings are figurative anyway. Everywhere else the line a person hears before sleeping is "Don't let the bed bugs bite," as if bed bugs are worse than the nightmare the person will likely have anyway...

I feel sorry for that sucker who was actually bitten by a bed bug, because he can't shrug off the warning like the rest of us can. In fact, he's the reason we use the statement to begin with:

Victim: Well, I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

Victim's Acquaintance: Be careful in there. You remember what happened the last time you went to bed, right?

Victim: Yeah, yeah, I remember.

Victim's Acquaintance: Well, don't let the bed bugs bite. Not again.

I just hope there's no worldwide phenomenon of people being bitten by all kinds of animals while sleeping, because that's just too many things to list while wishing someone a good night. And just imagine if a person was bitten by a sheep while sleeping. That would throw the whole sleeping process for such a complete loop that we'd all probably just stay awake forever. Think about how stale the Fruit Loops would get...

In between the previous paragraph and this one I decided to take a few minutes to do some research. After all, research can save lives, and the typical reader checks out this column to have his or her life saved -- or maybe it's to read about lime Life Savers. Regardless, I've read that bed bugs are commonly found in homes that have bats in the attic. Now, I know what you're thinking: "That's good to know. I'll go to the attic right away to get rid of those darn bats." But don't act so quickly! Remember: those bats are protecting your old boxes, including your Yahtzee game. So slow down and think before you do something you'll regret in a day or two...

It is said that a room with bed bugs typically has a distinct odor. Furthermore, black spots may be found on sheets, or there may even be small blood stains that are evident. So before you blame your crazy aunt for coming over to your house and leaving a trail of her own blood, understand that she probably never made it past the attic after her entrance through the chimney. The same applies to Santa Claus, I'd imagine...

Since bed bugs are nocturnal, they hide in dark places during the day before feeding at night. Placing glow-sticks all over your house, so that there is no dark crevice, will assure that these creatures will seek a house more conducive to their ways, although this other house is probably not nearly as well-decorated. Realize that bed bugs feed on wild birds, in addition to domestic animals, bats, and humans. So pretending to be a wild bird all day isn't your best escape, unless you are a wild bird, in which case it's good you aren't afraid to be yourself. And I thank you, wild bird, for reading...

Bed bugs are most commonly found in old rooms and hotels, as well as in places which are considered unsanitary. Something tells me, though, that if you are living somewhere unsanitary, you have other issues besides bed bugs, such as the fact that you are sleeping in your own filth. This aside, the best way to not let the bed bugs bite, wherever you live, seems to be ignoring their existence. When they hear, "Don't let the bed bugs bite," their obvious reaction will be one of the following:

a) Hey, they're acknowledging us, but in a negative way. Let's go do some serious biting.

b) I hope no one has caught on to our Yahtzee fetish in the attic, especially those darn bats.

So by not giving the warning, and using some other bedtime greeting instead, you're saving yourself in the process. You see, the purpose of this column is not to stop you from getting a good night's sleep, because we all know that's what fire trucks and crickets are for. Instead, please take this column as a warning that bed bugs do exist, and you know what? They're a lot like news flashes. That's right -- they come when you're watching late-night television, and they leave you with an empty feeling after they take some of your blood. Yes, exactly like news flashes, yes...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (<a target="_new" href="http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com"http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com/a>)

Playing Go-Between in the Digital Age

NOTE: This article was originally published in May 2000 at *spark-online.com when my grandmother was alive. I came across the link from my Web site and, after debating whether or not to change anything, decided to leave it. As Jadzia Dax said in STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE, "If you want to know who you are, it's important to know who you've been." Of course, Edna Mode in THE INCREDIBLES SAYS, "I never look back, dahling. It distracts from the now." So I won't look back, i.e. revise, and will present this essay as it originally appeared.

* * *

April 2000

"Anyone home?" My neighbor Nancy's yellow inner tube enters the house before she does. She holds up her bottle of iced tea in silent response to my offer of a cool drink. No one in 80-degree California desert weather would be without iced tea. Except for me. I still have my fourth cup of coffee in hand, waiting to burn my tongue the way the sidewalk outside does bare feet.

"I'm off to the pool to do my exercises," Nancy says. "But before I go, do I have any messages?"

I smile apologetically. "None of the grandkids have written."

Nancy stands there, face puckered in an oddly stoic expression. "None of them? Didn't they get my e-mails?"

"There's no way to tell."

"They did before. They wrote me back."

I nod. "They're probably just busy." Nancy has at least seven grandchildren scattered across North America. One of the girls is reportedly backpacking in Europe right now. The rest of them are all in college.

She shakes her head slowly. "So much for 'If you had e-mail, we'd write you more often.'"

"Do you want to send them anything?"

"Nah. I have to go do my exercises." Nancy maneuvers around with the inner tube. She pats me on the shoulder. "Thanks anyway."

"I'll come get you if there's anything in my mailbox," I say before I head back to my home office. Sitting down at my keyboard, I ignore the sun shining off the palm trees and once again check Outlook Express. E-mail from my mother. Offers from Amazon.com. The e-mail newsletters I tell myself I don't have time to read.

Nothing from Nancy's grandchildren. I call up their addresses, cut and paste them into the TO line, then proceed to type: "Dear Kids, Your grandmother really wants to hear from you. She would be so tickled if you would write. Stay in school, have fun in Europe, nurse that ankle (whichever one of you is playing football), and keep warm! Love ya, Kristin."

I click Send, and get back to whatever I was doing before Nancy's visit. Hours later, I'm still checking my e-mail for Nancy, eager to tell her the new most-anticipated three words: "You've Got Mail!" I feel like the old switchboard operator in a small town, listening to everyone's business. An odd image, that, considering the vast computing power of the Internet.

Or maybe not. After all, hackers can get into your AOL or Microsoft Outlook Inbox and read all about your last fight with your mother, your latest campaign finance blunders (you know who you are), that you hate your boss, or your wild fantasies about Harrison Ford. Heck, your company and the government can read the same things, and I guarantee you they'll have less fun than the hackers.

Voyeurism: the final frontier. I could make a case for The Need for Connectedness in this Information Society. After all, E.M. Forster put it best: "Only connect." And e-mail is allowing us to reach people we wouldn't spend 33 cents, or a nickel a minute for the latest long distance plan, to talk to. It's easy, it's convenient, and as my neighbor says, "It's fun!" It allows us to feel the thrill of anticipation we used to feel when the mail carrier arrived. But that was before we became adults. The anticipation dulls when you know the mail will bring the electric bill, a solicitation for the Policeman's Ball, or a flyer titled "Have You Seen Me? Missing Children." All important, but not satisfying.

Think of writing a letter in ancient times, the thought in the act of writing. We still enjoy the passionate love letters of Napoleon and Josephine, Abelard and Heloise. It is a glimpse into someone's life we never knew.

There is something appealing about connecting this woman, who volunteers for the Red Cross and hesitates to buy a computer, with her grandkids. I am not just the letter-writer or the secretary. I am part of the connection.

Days later, still no word from the kids. I write them another letter: "Dear Kids, Your grandmother needs you! If you're worrying about her bothering me, don't. Please write to her. Only a few minutes of your time and I won't tell your parents all the things she's told me, things she would never tell your folks. What can I say, she's an incredible woman."

I'm not bluffing. I know how to find their parents. And I think they know I know. The next day, I get an answer from one of the girls: "Dear Kristin, How many things have you done that you didn't want your parents to know about?" (More than she has.) "Get on with your life and let us get on with ours. Some of us have midterms. I don't mean to sound rude. I love my grandmother. Sometimes I just get?busy. Tell her I'll call her."

I'll call. And that reminds me: When was the last time I called someone instead of just writing an e-mail? Or actually sent a card? In my memories box are two dozen typewritten letters, liberally splashed with White-Out and full of mistakes, many crossed out with X's. Several of these are writing critiques. The writer, my master's thesis final project advisor Ben Masselink -- former Marine, novelist, screenwriter, columnist and teacher -- died in January. If my house caught on fire and I had to save one item, it wouldn't be my Gateway laptop. It would be those letters, as well as every card I've ever received. Some of them are from people I rarely see. And yes, all the printed e-mails I saved.

E-mail is great, e-mail is wonderful. But it's what's behind e-mail that makes it great.

Nancy knocks on the door with her inner tube. "Anyone home?"

I smile and say, "You've got mail."

Movie reviewer/screenwriter Kristin Johnson composes personalized poems, speeches, toasts, vows, and family memories. Visit <a target="_new" href="http://www.poemsforyou.com">http://www.poemsforyou.com</a> to order your personalized memories. She is also co-author of the Midwest Book Review "enthusiastically recommended" pick Christmas Cookies Are For Giving: Stories, Recipes and Tips for Making Heartwarming Gifts (ISBN: 0-9723473-9-9). A downloadablemedia kit is available at our Web site, <a target="_new" href="http://www.christmascookiesareforgiving.com">http://www.christmascookiesareforgiving.com</a>, or e-mail the publisher (info@tyrpublishing.com) to receive a printed media kit and sample copy of the book. More articles available at <a target="_new" href="http://www.bakingchristmascookies.com">http://www.bakingchristmascookies.com</a>

วันจันทร์ที่ 2 กุมภาพันธ์ พ.ศ. 2552

Wanted: Treadmill for an Elephant

Maggie, the 22 year-old African elephant, has been a resident of the Alaska Zoo since 1983. The Zoo recently decided that Maggie needs nicer quarters, more attention, and a treadmill. She weighs 9,100 pounds and does not get enough exercise, especially during the long Alaskan winter months.

Alaska Zoo officials debated this past year about whether to keep Maggie. She has been the only elephant in the zoo since 1997 when her companion of 14 years, Annabelle, died. Some experts believe that in order to be healthy and happy a zoo elephant should be part of a small herd of 3 or more.

The Zoo's elephant committee decided that the risks of moving Maggie out of state and of totally changing her life were too great. Besides, she seems happy here and she has a familiar "herd" in Alaska already. Numerous Zoo officials, animal handlers and exercisers, and familiar frequent visitors spend many hours a day with her.

In order to increase Maggie's comfort and health, zoo officials decided to give Maggie's living quarters softer flooring and better ventilation. Zoo staff will also increase the number of hours that they spend with Maggie from 8 hours daily to 12 to 16 hours daily.

Finally, the Zoo will help Maggie get more year-round exercise and lose weight. They will purchase an elephant-sized treadmill. However, nobody has ever designed or built an elephant treadmill. Designs are being developed now, but if you have any good ideas bring them forward.

Then stand in line behind me to watch Maggie work out on her new treadmill.

Can you imagine the elephant-sized headphones and iPod that she'll need?

*****************************

Garry Gamber is a public school teacher and entrepreneur. He writes articles about real estate, health and nutrition, and internet dating services. He is the owner of <a target="_new" href="http://www.Anchorage-Homes.com">http://www.Anchorage-Homes.com</a> and <a target="_new" href="http://www.TheDatingAdvisor.com">http://www.TheDatingAdvisor.com</a>.

Not Your Average Sunday Morning

Just recently my ex-husband stopped in to visit during his vacation. In the course of small talk, a few old memories usually crop up in the conversation. One that instantly came to mind was the day our second son was born.

It was early Sunday morning on a crisp day in the middle of May when I was awakened from my sleep by what I knew to be labor pains. Since it was my second pregnancy I was not alarmed. I already had one child so I felt like an old pro. I knew it was early labor and I had plenty of time before heading off to the hospital. I decided to let my husband, Jim, sleep a little longer. After all, there was no need to awaken him yet.

I slipped quietly out of bed and went to the bathroom to relieve the pressure from my heavily burdened bladder. After washing my hands and face, I brushed my teeth then went into the kitchen to make the morning coffee. I poured myself a steaming cup, retrieved the newspaper from the side porch, then sat down at the kitchen table to look over the headlines. After glancing at the morning news, I poured myself a second cup of coffee and slipped quietly back into the bedroom to get dressed. Jim was still sleeping soundly. I took my already packed overnight bag from the closet and carried it to the living room. I placed it beside the door so that we could just grab it when we were ready to leave. Then I returned to the kitchen to make breakfast for Jim.

My sixteen month old son was spending the weekend with my husband's mother and stepfather. My mother-in-law, Eileen, had insisted on keeping him since she just knew I would go into labor during the weekend. She calculated this prediction due to the fact that I was six days past my due date. After placing the scrambled eggs and sausage links on the plate, I went into the bedroom to wake Jim up, who was still snoring peacefully.

"Morning honey," I said as I kissed him on the forehead. "Get up. Breakfast is ready."

"Morning babe," Jim replied. He sat up, ran his hand through his dishwater blonde hair then stumbled to the kitchen table. He didn't bother to get dressed and since it was only the two of us, I figured it was okay for him to eat in his underwear.

The contractions were getting stronger. My husband gobbled down his food then headed for the bathroom. (No. It wasn't the effects of my cooking!) As I cleaned off the table, I felt the grasp of a contraction, then a sudden warmth of fluid. I leaned against the sink. Jim came out of the bathroom looking relieved but that only lasted momentarily. Glancing over at him, I said, "It's time. My water broke."

"Oh God!," he said. "I have to find a ride. I have to get you to the hospital. (Our car was in the shop for repairs at the time.)

"Calm down," I said. "We have time."

"Time!," my husband shouted. "What time is it? Oh God! I have to catch Lisa before she goes to church." And with that said, he took off out the side door and down the steps. I followed him to the porch. "Honey," I called. "Jim," I yelled, but he was already gone. All I could do was laugh and hope that none of the neighbors called the police on the tall, slender man running down the street in his white Fruit of the Loom briefs!

Lisa was my husband's cousin. She and her husband lived down at the end of our street. I've never been quite sure why Jim ran to her house instead of calling her. It must have just been his first reaction. Although the contractions were stronger now I couldn't hold back from laughing when Jim returned. He was wearing a pair of pants that were entirely too short and he had to hold them tightly around his waist to keep them from falling down. He looked hysterical! It reminded me of the episode from the old Dick Van Dyke show when Laura went in labor! I insisted he change pants before we left for the hospital. Lisa had given Jim the keys to her car and told him to drive carefully. We had two stops to make before going to the hospital - to pick up our mothers. They both wanted to be there and I figured my husband could use their support.

We arrived at my mother's house first. She jumped in the car so quickly I wasn't really sure the vehicle had come to a complete stop. It wasn't until we reached my mother-in-law's home that we realized my mother was still in her nightgown! We all exited the car and went into the house in hopes that my mother-in-law could provide my mother with something more appropriate to wear. While I was in the kitchen talking with my husband's stepfather, we heard a car going down the driveway. Looking out the window, we realized that Jim and his passengers had left for the hospital - without me! My mother had grabbed a bathrobe from a hook on the inside of the bathroom door to cover her nightgown. My mother-in-law left with one side of her head still rolled in foam curlers and the other side displaying loose, bouncy curls. And the three of them were off!

They actually didn't realize they had forgotten me until they arrived at the hospital. Luckily for me, the hospital was only a few minutes away. Yes, they did return, pick me up and deliver me safely to the hospital. Shortly afterward, I delivered a healthy seven pound fourteen ounce son. Mother and child were fine. But I think my husband and our mothers were a little worse for wear!

Darlene Zagata is a freelance writer and columnist for the print publication Moon Shadows Magazine. She is also the author of "Aftertaste: A Collection of Poems" and "The Choosing." Her work has been published extensively both online and in print. For more information visit her website at <a target="_new" href="http://darlenezagata.tripod.com">http://darlenezagata.tripod.com</a> or contact Darlene at <a href="mailto:darzagata@yahoo.com">darzagata@yahoo.com</a>

วันอาทิตย์ที่ 1 กุมภาพันธ์ พ.ศ. 2552

Sell [Your] Phones

Today while driving I saw a young girl, probably around 11 years old, on a cell phone. She was walking along the side of the street talking to someone, and I couldn't help but think that maybe she was talking to someone across the street because she wasn't allowed to cross it. Whatever the reason, though, there is something about an 11-year-old on a cell phone that legitimately scares me, and it has nothing to do with the fact that she is probably getting more calls than I am...

I always (for the past five minutes) thought it would be interesting if the transmissions from cell phones could be visible, so that I could look out the window right now and see all the words that are being passed from one phone to another. Another added plus of the words being visible is that I could reach into the air and take away the ones that I don't like, therefore completely changing people's conversations. With me controlling the airwaves, people would never use cell phones again, and we would no longer have to worry about walking down the street and being hit with a "hello," or a "goodbye," or a "he needs to stop messing with my mother's wounded llama," the latter of which would be a sentence that I formed based on stealing certain key words from zookeepers' conversations...

I always wondered - as has everyone - what it is like when two zookeepers got together. Do they act like party animals? Maybe go ape? If two zookeepers are reading this column simultaneously, I think an e-mail is in order. But I will only read this correspondence if both zookeepers have equal say in the wording...

Back to my complaints about cell phones, though. If I am unable to control the words soaring through the air, I would at least like to take a visit to a central satellite which serves as the basis for cellular conversations. I am thinking that if I point the satellite in a different direction, this would cause each person to call people they normally would never call, like the kid in homeroom who said he'll "keep in touch," or that telemarketer you said you'd get back to at some point. Better yet, perhaps I can point the satellite in the direction that forces each person to only call his or her own phone, which would be a useful concept in the Dakotas, where there aren't a lot of people to converse with anyway...

With this accomplished, I'd also like to set up a pen pal system amongst the residents of North and South Dakota. I don't necessarily think they should send letters to each other, but I believe they should trade pens on a weekly basis. This kind of sharing will prove valuable in the unity of the states, as well in the general maintenance of ink and the management thereof...

Such a program will be coordinated by an 11-year-old on a cell phone...

But I digress.

วันเสาร์ที่ 31 มกราคม พ.ศ. 2552

When Humans and Dogs Collide: Negotiations for Todays Changing Times

This morning I decided to find myself. I originally looked forward to the spiritual journey that would define who I was as a person. But then I looked into my mirror and realized that the person I saw in that mirror was me. So I then figured, why spend all this time finding myself when I already know where I am?

Since I allotted around 80 years for this quest and finished it in about eight seconds, I had some free time that I needed to devote to a cause. I had a great idea: I would purposely drop a dog so that the owner of that dog would ask me what I was doing, to which I could respond, "Well, my cause was to see your reaction and my effect was, indeed, your reaction." This would make my cause and effect almost the same. But I had to give up on trying this experiment, because - after all - where would I possibly find a dog?

Dogs are funny individuals in that people claim to love them, but when it comes down to it, we have so many negative terms which revolve around them. For example, if you are told that you are being sent to the doghouse, that doesn't mean you are being tossed to an area of luxury. More so, you will be sent to the same place as the dog, some small area consisting of a leaky roof and a food bowl. Although owners try to convince their dogs that this is some sort of fantasy land, the reality is that most owners wouldn't want to spend more than 15 minutes in one. Those who do spend more than 15 minutes are only doing so because they are stuck in the location...

On the other hand, we also have the sporting statement, "Hey, buddy, I dogged you in that race." Of course the statement can exist without the "hey, buddy," but what fun would that be? Such a statement means, basically, that one person defeated the other in a race in such a way that a dog would defeat a human. Now, this is the opposite of the doghouse reputation, because here the dogs are given more credit than humans as opposed to less. This could only mean one thing: the dogs negotiated this with the humans in order to assure respect from the general populace...

But who are these dogs? And, more importantly, who were the humans asked to negotiate? I don't have a problem with dogs, but if we are going to negotiate with them, I think we should send some of our best humans to do so. Otherwise, imagine the potential chaos:

Human: Okay, so let's negotiate here.

Dog: How about you give us the power to speak, like I am right now, and we will allow you to rename tree covering to "speak" instead of "bark"?

Human: You are too fair. Let's do that immediately. But to make sure you are not getting ripped off, we will throw in some table scraps from an all-you-can-eat-restaurant where everyone thinks they are bigger eaters than they really are.

Dog: Agreed.

Human: Bark!

But I digress.

Health Club Regulars ?- Some of the People Youre Likely To Meet at the Gym

One of the great benefits of belonging to a health club is the huge variety of exercise equipment that's available. It's also a great place to meet and observe a wide cross section of society. Here are just a few of the more notable health club regulars:

1. Screaming Banshee ?- We've all been focused on our workout when out of nowhere comes a blood-curdling sound from the corner of the weight room. You look over and there's a guy doing laterals with 20 lb dumbbells. It doesn't matter what the exercise or weight is ?- he's screaming with every rep. If it helps his workouts, then more power to him! It certainly makes a good case for a Walkman.

2. The Strainer ?- The Strainer can often be observed loading up a barbell or weight stack with poundage that he is unable to perform even a single rep in good form with. A favorite exercise of the Strainer is the triceps press down machine. He will position the pin almost near the bottom of the weight stack and then proceed to wrestle the stack downward with every ounce of his being. It's truly painful to watch, but like a car wreck, it's hard to look away.

After using most all of the muscles in his upper body along with several in his lower, he finally manages to complete a rep. "That's one!" Yep, only nine more to go. Oh yeah, don't bother trying to be helpful and tell him to use less weight. You'll only be greeted with a nasty glare.

3. iPod Head Banger ?- this is usually a young person, male or female, who seems to have ear buds permanently implanted into their head. Music can be a great inspiration during your workouts, but these folks turn the volume up to 11. Of course everyone in the immediate area can groove to the same jams due to the sound leaking out from their ear buds.

The hazard is that Mr. or Ms Head Banger is usually oblivious to their surroundings and you'll need to shout to get their attention if the need arises. At least you can hear them coming and give them a wide berth.

4. Stanley Steamer ?- it's hard to believe, but there are people who actually use their gym memberships just to avail themselves of the locker room amenities. Take Stanley Steamer for example. He may come in on his lunch hour or after work and do some quick cardio work and then it's right back to the locker room. The cardio work is just a pretext for what comes next.

He then will do alternating shifts between the dry sauna and steam room until he's sweated out every last drop of water from his body. This process can go on for up to an hour. "Great for the pores!" he'll tell you as he stands there glistening like a Thanksgiving Butterball. You go Stan!

5. Ken and Barbie ?- there are some gym regulars who are so genetically gifted that they have gone into permanent "maintenance mode" for they're training. Their routines consist of a solid core of shaping exercises with the strict rule that they must never, under any circumstances, ever shed one drop of sweat!

No hair is out of place and they look spectacular in their Lycra workout gear. In fact, you seem to never see them wearing anything else, even outside of the gym.

6. Chatty Cathy ?- Cathy is a relatively new species that has evolved with the proliferation of cell phones and the trend to use them no matter where we are. She will take up position on the adductor machine and wait for a call ?- any call ?- which soon arrives without fail.

She'll talk away for minutes on end. Occasionally passing the cell phone to any friends who have joined her for a "workout". She'll use these breaks to get in a few reps on whatever machine she's parked herself on. Just to be fair and balanced, there are also plenty of Chatty Carls as well.

7. Swiss Ball Magician ?- this is usually either a personal trainer or staff member who has learned a large repertoire of stability ball exercises from a special course or secret training manual. I marvel at the endless variety of moves they possess!

They're on top of the ball, under it, along side it, between the legs with it, and around the back. They make the Harlem Globe Trotters look like pikers! Actually, I pay close attention when they're around and try to cop some of their moves.

All of these types are well-meaning folks and they are certainly preferable to some of the knuckleheads that sometimes show up at the gym. They make going to the gym the enjoyable and enriching experience that it is.

Rich Rojas

Elliptical Trainer Reviews and Fitness Ideas

<a target="_new" href="http://www.ellipticalhome.com">http://www.ellipticalhome.com</a>

วันศุกร์ที่ 30 มกราคม พ.ศ. 2552

Very Precise Fortune Cookies

I cracked open the fortune cookie and read the little slip of paper on the inside. Immediately I realized that it had been written by a weather forecaster.

"You will be approached in the late afternoon by a pink polka-dot octopus..."

It continued on the other side: "... and asked to provide details of your application for a yellow cloud mulching permit."

Two things struck me about this particular fortune. The first is that they have come a long way in their ability to predict exactly what will happen and when, just like weather forecasters. This is undoubtedly due to recent technological developments. Laser technology, for example. Nano technology. Robotics. Bioengineering. And so many other specialized fields have been developed to points of precision unimagined just a generation ago.

And it's not just the weather forecasters.

In London, Ontario, specialists are performing microscopic cardiac surgery on patients miles away using a robot named CSTAR (Can't you just wait for new parents to start naming their children after the famous surgeon, CSTAR?). This has opened up the door to many benefits, such as sending robots to remote locations without having to worry about a surgeon replacing the wrong organs due to jet lag.

But the real benefit was revealed when one surgeon confided in me: "You know the world is a better place when we don't have to scrub our hands before surgery anymore."

I can call anybody in North America on the telephone and they will answer in real time. Not only is this a better response than I can give people face-to-face, but the telephone cables direct my call to the exact person I want, saving the other 400 million telephone subscribers the inconvenience of having to say, "Wrong number...again!" Just a few decades ago, Switchboard Suzie was manually connecting everybody.

"Janice Land? No problem. I'll connect you." CLICK.

"No, wait. I wanted to speak to Janet Lam. Hello?"

My father can pinpoint the exact amount of blood sugar he packs in his veins. Not very long ago, people could not care less how much sugar was in their blood, as long as they had plenty of it in their double-fudge sundaes.

Yes technology has come a long way, allowing us to send and received very specific information in great detail and in great volumes, allowing such thrilling 21st century innovations as spam (I know, I know, the great spam innovators you admire most did their heroic deeds in the 20th century, but you ain't seen nothing yet!)

Despite the volume of information I receive in my inbox, there is one very disturbing element to all this extra free information, which brings me back to the second thing that struck me about my fortune cookie message.

It was wrong.

I waited all day for that pink polka-dot octopus to approach me, and it never did. Just because modern technology can deliver huge volumes of laser-detailed information, does not make that information valuable or even accurate.

Which brings me back to the revelation that a weather forecaster is now writing fortune cookies. Weather forecasts have become increasingly more precise. For instance, I am told that today it will hail in the town just east of here and be sunny in the town just west of here.

Once upon a time, the forecast would be simply "Sun and hail expected to pass through the region." Less accurate and less wrong. Just as useless, though.

Maybe we should hire CSTAR to make the fortune cookies. Surely CSTAR would deliver fortunes that are not only precise but also accurate, right? As a bonus, the pastry chefs won't have to scrub their hands before baking.

And I wouldn't have to wait for a pink polka-dot octopus all afternoon.

About The Author

David Leonhardt is author of Climb Your Stairway to Heaven

<a href="http://search.barnesandnoble.com/bookSearch/isbnInquiry.asp?ISBN=059517826X" target="_new">http://search.barnesandnoble.com/bookSearch/isbnInquiry.asp?ISBN=059517826X</a>

Read more personal growth articles: <a href="http://www.thehappyguy.com/self-actualization-articles.html" target="_new">http://www.thehappyguy.com/self-actualization-articles.html</a>

Visit his liquid vitamins store: <a href="http://www.vitamin-supplements-store.net" target="_new">http://www.vitamin-supplements-store.net</a>

Or his happiness website: <a href="http://www.thehappyguy.com" target="_new">http://www.thehappyguy.com</a>

<a href="mailto:Info@thehappyguy.com">Info@thehappyguy.com</a>

Silver Linings Are Everywhere

Viagra. That one word packs a lot of punch. Let's face it; there is little that has been derided more than Viagra. On the talk shows, it has been the butt of more jokes than Michael Jackson and Saddam Hussein combined. For example:

(OK, OK. I admit I was going to share an example or two, but I couldn't find any clean enough to pass my censor's well-trained eyes.)

Of course, if you are not laughing yet from the jokes you could imagine I might have told, it may be because you are so fed up of receiving offers for Viagra in your email inbox, right up there with the prospect of enhancing body parts you didn't even know you owned. In fact, you may even be convinced that spam was invented just to deliver the Viagra industry's message to your personal desktop.

Can anything good come from Viagra?

As a matter of fact, yes. Scientists have actually found a benefit from Viagra (No, I am not talking about experimenting in their labs.) Apparently Viagra is good for the environment.

It took a lot of work and several failed attempts to reach this conclusion. First, the scientists tried to use Viagra as an additive to revive lakes that were dying from acid rain. Unfortunately, it raised the lake's body temperature and fried the fish.

Then they tried using Viagra to replace polluting dry cleaner chemicals, but clothes came back too rigid to wear: "Hey, how come my fleece isn't soft anymore?" "I thought I told you not to starch my collars." "Ouch!"

The researchers tried feeding Viagra to swine, cattle, and chickens, hoping to replace feed sources that now consume vast areas of land. However, the farm animals wouldn't touch the stuff. The cockroaches, however, found it energizing, and before long there were very few barns left.

Next they decided to see if Viagra could be used as a low-polluting fuel to heat homes in the winter. That option looked promising ... until airplanes started hitting the rising chimney stacks. Oops.

Then the scientists tried offering Viagra to all the taxi drivers who insisted on idling their polluting engines between fares. Unfortunately, it seems that most cab drivers preferred idling to anything Viagra could do for them (which may explain the way they drive.)

Finally, the researchers have discovered that Viagra can save endangered species. This is no joke ? check the wire services on the Internet. In fact, a paper published recently by researchers at the University of Alaska and the University of New South Wales reveals that the trade in exotic body parts used as aphrodisiacs has fallen dramatically since Viagra hit the market.

Rhinos love this, because poachers had made them almost extinct, killing them for the horn, so sought-after by the lovelorn, and leaving the carcass behind. Reindeer feel more secure about their antlers now, too, since the velvet coverings are in less demand. And you may already have noticed fewer seals walking around town with their legs crossed, as the price for their private parts has fallen 72 percent.

Others who are thrilled about this great scientific discovery include sea horses, pipefish, elk and the ever beloved sea cucumber. I am still not sure whether that last one is a joke.

So, is Viagra the butt of countless jokes or the scourge of the Internet? If you look for silver linings, it is neither. It is the savior of endangered species. Now that I've helped clear that up for you, what else do you deride? What else upsets you? Can you find a silver lining? I'm sure you can. If Viagra is a good thing, can there be anything bad?

About The Author

David Leonhardt is the Happy Guy, author of "Climb your Stairway to Heaven: the 9 habits of maximum happiness at <a href="http://www.TheHappyGuy.com/happiness-self-help-book.html" target="_new">http://www.TheHappyGuy.com/happiness-self-help-book.html</a>. Visit him at <a href="http://www.TheHappyGuy.com" target="_new">http://www.TheHappyGuy.com</a>.

<a href="mailto:info@thehappyguy.com">info@thehappyguy.com</a>

Funny Things We Dream

I often wonder why I wake up so happy, ready to start the day. When I was younger I'd whack the alarm clock, for the fourth time, grumble out of bed and stomp around with a major sour puss. Now I'm up before the alarm clock most mornings, and I don't grumble, not as often as I used to anyway. I'm often anxious to see what the day will bring.

I think I've stumbled upon the reason for my early rise and my cheery outlook. My wife. Yes, she brightens up my days and has given me tremendous motivation, though she still sleeps later than I do, and she tends to grumble, though not too badly.

There's another reason, and this also involves my wife. I believe that laughter is the best medicine, and she makes me laugh. More so, I think a happy attitude is contagious, and the reason I wake up happy might be this: my wife laughs in her sleep.

I kid you not. She laughs out loud. So loud that I'm frequently awakened by her nocturnal guffaws. Sometimes it begins as a chuckle, but many times the laughter just erupts, like she just saw the funniest thing in the world. How can I help but be amused and feel happy myself when I'm treated to this many nights out of a week.

There's more... while still asleep, she tells me what she was laughing about. Here's are the most recent accounts...

One night she rolls over and begins her laughing. I wake up, and wait for her to settle down. Then I ask "What's so funny?"

I wasn't expecting a response, but to my surprise she answered me while still sound asleep. She said "Mrs. Juniper said the juniper wouldn't grow much taller than two feet, but she planted it and the damn thing took off, and it's still growing! Ha ha ha ha...." Then she began to snore again.

I shook my head, rolled over and settled in for the remainder of the night, knowing that we'd both get a kick out the story when I recalled it the following day. We did.

The most recent episode was even better, stranger. This time it seemed like I was already awake before she started laughing, maybe she had been chuckling first and that roused me. Either way, when she stopped her laughter I decided to see if she would talk again.

I asked "Okay, what's so funny this time?"

Her reply was classic. A truly original rambling by a sleeping brain. She said "Orville Redenbacher's plane wouldn't fly so they were trying to hang Orville Redenbacher's plane over the bed by a string. Ha ha ha ha...." Then she conked out.

Again I shook my head, rolled over and anticipated the break of day, when I would share the tale from her sleeping brain with her alert brain. I couldn't wait to see her reaction.

I ask you, being a natural marvel, capable of great intellect, doesn't the human brain have better things to think about? The mechanics of slumbering gray matter perplex me.

Why she laughs in her sleep I don't know, but I'm glad she does. I'm happily married, and I assure you, that will never change!

I'm looking forward to more of her one liners from la-la-land. Can there be more? I'll keep you posted. Heck, if I collect enough maybe I'll write a book!

That's all for now. From my funny little spot in the universe, I bid you well.

Over and out.

Drew Vics, an artist, writer & musician from New Jersey, writes for <a target="_new" href="http://www.Myeyez.net">http://www.Myeyez.net</a>, and for other websites online.

Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

<LI>"Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer." -- Grace Allen (Gracie)
<LI>"It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else." -- Grace Allen (Gracie)
<LI>"Build a better mousetrap than your neighbour and Kraft Cheese will beat a path to your door." -- Grace Allen (Gracie)
<LI>"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." -- George Burns
<LI>"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." -- George Burns
<LI>"For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died." -- George Burns
<LI>"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city." -- George Burns
<LI>"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere." -- George Burns
<LI>"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place." -- Johnny Carson
<LI>"Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president." -- Johnny Carson
<LI>"Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill." -- Johnny Carson
<LI>"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food." -- Johnny Carson
<LI>"The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money." -- Johnny Carson
<LI>"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry." Bill Cosby
<LI>""Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it."" Bill Cosby
<LI>"Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli." Bill Cosby
<LI>"Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit." Bill Cosby
<LI>"I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger." Bill Cosby
<LI>"Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first." Bill Cosby
<LI>"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
-- Rita Rudner
<LI>"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
-- Rita Rudner
<LI>"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
-- Rita Rudner
<LI>"I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."
-- Rita Rudner
<LI>"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner
<LI>"Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other.""
-- Rita Rudner
<LI>"I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
<LI>"No face, mouth open ... that is how the drug companies see the public."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
<LI>"On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'"
-- Jerry Seinfeld
<LI>"People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
<LI>"The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
<LI>"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
-- Steven Wright
<LI>"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again."
-- Steven Wright
<LI>"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
-- Steven Wright
<LI>"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
-- Steven Wright
<LI>"Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""
-- Steven Wright

Resource Box - ? Danielle Hollister (2005) is the Publisher of <A HREF="http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art8364.asp" target="new">BellaOnline Quotations Zine</a>
- A free newsletter for quote lovers featuring more than 10,000 quotations in dozens of categories like - love, friendship, children, inspiration, success, wisdom, family, life, and many more; plus freebies and links to related resources. All new subscribers get one free ad. Read it - <A HREF="http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art8364.asp" target="new">http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art8364.asp</A>

วันพฤหัสบดีที่ 29 มกราคม พ.ศ. 2552

Essential Laughter

Take time to laugh at yourself and the ridiculous in life. It is so refreshing to just laugh at your slips, peculiarities, forgetfulness, and fumbles. Humor has the power to dull the sharp edges of life and is a great tension reliever. Laughter stimulates the soul and boosts the immune system.

There are medical researchers who assert that laughter reduces levels of certain stress hormones. But, beyond this, laughter is curative. It is just good medicine for the sluggish spirit and an effective weapon against despair. It is like perfumed oil to the soul and brings joy to the spirit.

Do not take everything people say and do so seriously. Stop wearing your feelings on your sleeves. Sometimes, it is emotionally prosperous to just smile at the ridiculous, grin at the obnoxious and laugh at the absurd. Transform life's "ugh" into laughter. It was Sterne who asserted, "I live in a constant endeavor to fence against the infirmities of ill-health, and other evils of life, by humor. I am persuaded that every time a man smiles ? but much more so when he laughs ? it adds something to this fragment of life." Let the gift of laughter enhance your life.

In the midst of problematic situations, steal moments of humor. You will be astonished to find that for those moments, your problems disappear. For those few moments, your problems do not exist in your reality and life is wonderful. When the humorous moments pass, the problems no longer seem as monumental as you thought. Embrace humor. Come on now, liven up!

THE ACQUITTAL

Mrs. Graite had reached her limit;
The pain no more could bear.
Her pastor's boring sermons
Had led her to mad despair.

She invited him to dinner;
Prepared tasty veal.
Suspecting something was not right
He refused to eat the meal.

She thought, as she was led away
In handcuffs to a cell,
"No more boring sermons
Is worth all my time in jail."

But her prison term was short
'Cause the jury heard a tape,
Of the preacher's boring sermons
And acquitted Mrs Graite.

This poem is taken from "Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach."

Rev. Saundra L. Washington, D.D., is an ordained clergywoman, social worker, and Founder of AMEN Ministries. <a target="_new" href="http://www.clergyservices4u.org">http://www.clergyservices4u.org.</a> She is also the author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach. Her new book, Out of Deep Waters: My Grief Management Workbook, will be available soon.

Very Precise Fortune Cookies

I cracked open the fortune cookie and read the little slip of paper on the inside. Immediately I realized that it had been written by a weather forecaster.

"You will be approached in the late afternoon by a pink polka-dot octopus..."

It continued on the other side: "... and asked to provide details of your application for a yellow cloud mulching permit."

And it's not just the weather forecasters.

But the real benefit was revealed when one surgeon confided in me: "You know the world is a better place when we don't have to scrub our hands before surgery anymore."

"Janice Land? No problem. I'll connect you." CLICK.

"No, wait. I wanted to speak to Janet Lam. Hello?"

It was wrong.

Once upon a time, the forecast would be simply "Sun and hail expected to pass through the region." Less accurate and less wrong. Just as useless, though.

And I wouldn't have to wait for a pink polka-dot octopus all afternoon.

About The Author

David Leonhardt is author of Climb Your Stairway to Heaven

<a href="http://search.barnesandnoble.com/bookSearch/isbnInquiry.asp?ISBN=059517826X" target="_new">http://search.barnesandnoble.com/bookSearch/isbnInquiry.asp?ISBN=059517826X</a>

Read more personal growth articles: <a href="http://www.thehappyguy.com/self-actualization-articles.html" target="_new">http://www.thehappyguy.com/self-actualization-articles.html</a>

Visit his liquid vitamins store: <a href="http://www.vitamin-supplements-store.net" target="_new">http://www.vitamin-supplements-store.net</a>

Or his happiness website: <a href="http://www.thehappyguy.com" target="_new">http://www.thehappyguy.com</a>

<a href="mailto:Info@thehappyguy.com">Info@thehappyguy.com</a>

วันพุธที่ 28 มกราคม พ.ศ. 2552

Freudian Slippage

Saturday morning. I went, in the early morning, to the farmer's market to get our supply of fruits and veggies, leaving Sandra to sleep in. I have strolled up and down, stopping at various vendors to buy the things that appeal to me today and my 2 bags are bulging. This is a process I always enjoy.

The noise of the vendors extolling the virtues of their produce; the smells and colors, the relaxed and friendly camaraderie of both buyers and sellers all add up to produce an atmosphere of good vibrations.

As I pass one vegetable stall for the 2nd time, the lady asks, "Can I help you darlin?"

"Tomatoes." I reply.

"Nope, taint none dis week. Try some ohbahjeans"

"Pardon me?" I reply.

"What for? You done somefin wrong already so early in da day?" she says.

"Probably," I respond, "but what I meant is: -- I did not catch what you said."

"Ohbahjeans. Try some. Plenty good. Good for you too." she waves her hand to the left. My eye follows.

Aha! Eggplant. Aubergine. I catch on. They do look good. She has both kinds, the white ones and the purple ones. "Ok, sure, I'll take some of the purple ones. "

"Not purple, honey, dey black like me. Dey full and firm an taste mighty fine too, jus like me."

Even after living ten years in the Caribbean, the everyday casual ribald humor still surprises me occasionally and I am never quite sure how to respond.

In my haste to hopefully change the subject, I blurt out "I see you also have some zucchini. Too bad you have no tomatoes. I could make some ratatouille."

She immediately comes back with, "You come home wit me sweetie and we make somefin mighty fine wit da zucchini and ohbahjean. You don't need no young tomato. Dey not ripe yet."

The lady at the next stand is chuckling and I am blushing the color of my missing tomatoes.

"Ooh boy, you in trouble now," exclaims the lady next door, "Her eggplant mess up many man 'fore you."

"Well, I'd better just take some eggplant home to cook up later," I say, hoping to extricate myself from further embarrassment.

"Honey, you always eat at home, you missin out on some fine island dinin," explains my saucy purveyor of aubergines.

"You bes be careful," counters her neighbor, "you eat in her kitchen, you maybe not go home."

I am in over my head. I can only smile and play the bemused straight man to their comedy tag team.

"How do you suggest these eggplant be cooked?" I ask, resigned to setting myself up for more.

"Bes to cook em up slow n easy, wit plenty a spice." answers my vendor, " hot n juicy is da way dey done best."

"Maybe da man ina hurry," enjoins her partner, "if'n he's extra hungry dis morning, fry em up fast, den givem a second helpin."

"He not dat young; he know a good meal take time to do right ," rejoins the first.

"You ladies are too good for me. I'll just take half a dozen eggplants and go home," I answer.

She gives me 8. "Man always want more than he ask for first time," she tells me with a wicked smile.

"I suppose that'd be true," I say, as I pay. "Thank you."

"You come again anytime honey." she tells me as I walk away.

"Desmond has a barrow in the marketplace
Molly is the singer in a band
Desmond say to Molly, girl I like your face
And Molly says this as she takes him be the hand...

Ohbahjean, ob-la-da,
Life goes on, bra
La la how the life goes on
Ob-la-di, ob-la-da
Life goes on, bra
La la how the life goes on
And if you want some fun
take Ob-la-di-bla-da"

echo the Beatles in my head as I drive home.

"Moussaka for dinner tonight by candlelight," I tell Sandra when I get home.

Leslie is the author of The DELFIN Knowledge System Trilogy: The Initiation, The Journey and The Quest plus many more success publications. He also the co-author of The End of the World with Hugh Jeffries and Alexandra's DragonFire with his daughter Ashley. Subscribe to his free and ad-free eZine at <a target="_new" href="http://www.ProsperityParadigm.com">http://www.ProsperityParadigm.com</a> or <a target="_new" href="http://www.LeslieFieger.com">http://www.LeslieFieger.com</a>

Reprinting and republishing of these articles is granted only with the above credit included. Permission to reprint or republish does not waive any copyright.

วันอังคารที่ 27 มกราคม พ.ศ. 2552

And the World Goes Round

If you are a citizen of UK or Australia, you are permitted to snicker at this problem. Anchorage, Alaska, just opened its first two roundabouts at a major intersection.

Not a big deal if you are experienced at negotiating roundabouts, but Anchorage residents certainly are not. The good thing about a roundabout is that it substitutes common sense and courtesy for traffic lights and signs. The bad thing is that Anchorage drivers have never been accused of common sense or courtesy.

The roundabouts have been built on either side of our Seward Highway where about 20,000 vehicles per day will attempt to pass through unscathed. Accidents are expected, especially during the road-slick winter months.

Luckily, there are three auto body shops and three auto repair facilities within two or three blocks of the roundabouts. They may be considering running a "Roundabout Special."

Well, I decided to try out the roundabouts and, guess what, I had no problems. In fact I enjoyed driving through the roundabouts so much that I turned around and drove through them again. Then, just for grins, I went back for a third trip, whirling all the way around and back out the way I came. Amazingly, I was not able to cause any accidents. So I went home.

A bit dizzy.

Garry Gamber is a public school teacher. He writes articles about politics, real estate, health and nutrition, and internet dating services. He is a founding member of <a target="_new" href="http://www.goodpoliticsradio.com/alaska">http://www.GoodPoliticsRadio.com</a> and the owner of <a target="_new" href="http://www.thedatingadvisor.com">http://www.TheDatingAdvisor.com</a>

Wanted: Treadmill for an Elephant

Then stand in line behind me to watch Maggie work out on her new treadmill.

Can you imagine the elephant-sized headphones and iPod that she'll need?

*****************************

วันจันทร์ที่ 26 มกราคม พ.ศ. 2552

Painful Lessons from the Maternity Ward

Whoever dubbed New York, New York "the city that never sleeps" should visit The Maternity Ward. My recent visit included a drop-in on several screenings of "A Star Is Born" at the late-show theatre, right near Mama's Breast (all night milk bar) and Papa's Gas Station ("We burp you on your way.").

To a chorus of infant cries, I drafted this column at 1:00 a.m. Of course, it was 3:00 p.m. in Tokyo, so I suppose it wasn't so late after all.

The whole experience of birthing seems to be a very traumatic way to build a family. Fortunately, it did lead to two very happy results. It gave me a new daughter, Lauralee, the Little Sister. And it taught me some valuable lessons, which it is my patriotic duty to share with you.

The first lesson ? all men, take note ? is that my wife is my hero.

As the husband, I experienced the whole birthing outburst second-hand. After careful observation, I conclude that this is the best way to experience it. (Apparently I had some first-hand experience over 40 years ago, but I can't remember too many details.)

Most husbands suffer great humiliation during childbirth. Wives hurl razor-sharp insults like "I hate you!" and "You fink!" and "You did this to me!" and "I HATE YOU!!!" My wife, truly original even in pure agony, didn't use any of those words. In fact, she didn't say a thing. Instead, she threw up on me.

Of course, I don't hold the throwing up against her. The second lesson I wish to share with you is the importance of forgiving people who act in haste, in anger, or in excruciating pain from pushing a six-inch wide baby through a one-inch wide hole in their bodies.

Did I mention that this was a "natural" childbirth? Natural, as in no painkillers. OK, so there was the epidural, which should have relieved the pain, if even one of the four dosage increases had worked. And I suppose you could call morphine and nubain painkillers if they had actually killed any pain.

So my wife, with a permanent back condition amplifying the stab of every contraction and reverberating it through the spine with no momentary relief between contractions, felt every glorious minute ? 487 in all ? of the unplanned "natural" childbirth. Did I mention that she is my hero? The third lesson is, when the best-laid plans go astray, improvise (which might explain the throwing up ? I have reason to believe it was not planned, either).

My wife's trauma was nothing compared to what Little Sister overcame. Her shoulders got stuck, pinching the umbilical cord and cutting the oxygen supply from her not-quite-yet-born brain. To do the equivalent, you would have to press your shoulder up into your nose, while a bulldozer on steroids pushes you in a river of blood through your mailbox. (Don't try this at home, folks.)

Thanks to Quick Thinking Doctor, the focused team of nurses, and a well-sharpened pair of scissors, Little Sister is enjoying great suction at the all-night milk bar with no more damage than a limp arm. (That's "brachial plexus injury" in medicalese.) The arm will hopefully recover. Even if it doesn't, we know what the alternative would have been ... and we do not look good in black. Lesson number four is to appreciate what you have rather than worry about what you don't.

The Maternity Ward offers far too many lessons to share with you now. My fatigue is overtaking me. I feel like a wad of gum squished on the asphalt, baked in the sun, and stuck on a motorcycle tire burning rubber on a gravel trail. Ha! Bet you never felt like that in New York, New York.

About The Author

The author is David Leonhardt, The Happy Guy. To receive his satirical happiness column weekly in your inbox, sign up at <a href="http://TheHappyGuy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html" target="_new">http://TheHappyGuy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html</a>

<a href="mailto:Info@TheHappyGuy.com">Info@TheHappyGuy.com</a>

When Humans and Dogs Collide: Negotiations for Todays Changing Times

Human: Okay, so let's negotiate here.

Dog: How about you give us the power to speak, like I am right now, and we will allow you to rename tree covering to "speak" instead of "bark"?

Dog: Agreed.

Human: Bark!

But I digress.

วันอาทิตย์ที่ 25 มกราคม พ.ศ. 2552

Discover the Lighter Side of the Internet

We all know the Internet is a great tool for finding out information and sharing knowledge. But as a human sometimes sitting at a computer all day can get quite tedious, especially if it is your job 5 days a week. This feeling can be compounded by other problems in one's personal life, and the result can mean little productivity because of a sour mood. Well humanity does have a lighter side, and this too can be explored on the Internet. Sometimes a little humor or interesting trivia can really take the edge off a bad moment. You'd be surprised at how much comedy and insight is expressed on the Net. I've been exploring what's out there and I just can't stop laughing. Laughter of course is the ultimate medicine and some believe it to be the highest form of life. My only warning is don't get hooked on this stuff as your work ethic will probably become worse than ever! Now, there's a lot of stuff on the Net and not all of it is positive humor, but you can surf around the undesirable stuff with ease. To give you an idea of some funny sites I discovered, here is a short list but I'm sure there are thousands of others you can find by doing simple word searches: <A target="_new" href="http://www.bored.com">www.bored.com</A>, <A target="_new" href="http://www.linkydinky.com">www.linkydinky.com</A>, <A target="_new" href="http://www.chickenjoke.com">www.chickenjoke.com</A>, <A target="_new" href="http://www.crazyfads.com">www.crazyfads.com</A>, <A href="http://www.crazythoughts.com">www.crazythoughts.com</A>, <A target="_new" href="http://www.dancingbush.com">www.dancingbush.com</A>, and <A target="_new" href="http://www.stupidvideos.com">www.stupidvideos.com</A>. I really advise checking out the last site and watching the video entitled 'Evil penguin2'. This nearly brought tears to my eyes as I already have a soft spot for penguins. So, you've got jokes, funny videos, kooky trivia, strange thoughts and perspectives on different aspects of life, and even the most 'powerful' man on Earth-George Bush doing an animated dance imitating John Travolta in 'Saturday Night Fever'. You've really got no reason anymore to sit in front of your computer worrying and wallowing in self-pity. I've always thought that humans have put too much emphasis on technological development as opposed to the spiritual side of things. This comedic aspect to the Internet has shown me that people can also be quite clever in more lighthearted endeavors. Some of the ideas on these sites really flip the world upside down and make you question why we do the things the way we do. This could be considered a step forward in our evolution as we see the underlying truths in our cultural systems. Laughter is the key to humanity reaching a higher level of consciousness. Imagine if everyone on our planet could all be happy enough in one moment to laugh at the same time. The Earth would shake, the seas would rise, and all the animals would stop what they're doing to join in. The vibration would probably cause a ripple to flow out into space affecting other planetary systems. Then, imagine all the beings of the Universe laughing at one time. We're talking serious celebrations! We're talking about black holes folding in on themselves in result of the positive energy wave forces demolishing all negative forces in their path! It's called the Laughter Revolution, and it might just be the next step for you to take to reach that long awaited goal of happiness. Come on, take a look around, there's a whole world of funniness just under the surface of our perceived 'normal' reality. We have to wake up and smell the cheese?Oh the sweet cheese.

Jesse S. Somer M6.Net <A target="_new" href="http://www.m6.net">http://www.m6.net</A> Jesse S. Somer is a 'laughing boy' hoping to utilize the human-packed comedy hidden in the Internet to morph into a 'laughing man'. He also hopes to incite others to join in the Laughter Revolution that one day will spread across planet Earth.

Bad Days and Bad Timing

Have you ever noticed how family members always misbehave at the most inappropriate moments? Well, let me tell you, it's not just the little ones that spout off with remarks that make you want to don a cloak of invisibility.

My son was just having one of those days. You know those days - when everything goes wrong and you just wish you would've stayed in bed. We all have those days. Some of us have them more often than others.

He knew what kind of day it was going to be once he spilled his morning coffee. As the hot brew dribbled down his shirt, he bent to stop its travels by reaching for the dish towel on the counter. As luck would have it, his elbow nudged the pot knocking it to the floor, creating even more of a mess. Barely awake, he was already frustrated.

Unfortunately, bad days are more abundant than good in our household. It would be a miracle of great proportions if all of our family members could actually be in a good mood at the same time. That would go down in the history books for sure. Well, back to the bad day.

As time progressed, things didn't get any better. Little petty annoyances continued. He made a sandwich, tripped over the cat, lost the sandwich. The cat found it. I decided to start dinner a little early. I had a taste for spaghetti. Just after adding the sauce, my son decided to stir the spaghetti, which was a bad idea. Sauce splashed all over his shirt.

After tearing off the shirt, throwing it in the laundry and putting another one on, he decided to stir the spaghetti once again. If you're wondering why, I have no clue. But lo and behold, once again sauce splashed on the clean shirt. Needless to say, by this time, he was rather hot under the collar. I don't know why he just didn't stay away from the spaghetti.

The frustration level really peaked when he went to the bathroom and his cell phone fell into the toilet. Yes, it was definetly one of those days. After thoroughly towel drying, then another ten minutes with the hair dryer, there was still no dial tone. The phone remained damp and lifeless.

Back out to the kitchen he went to make another cup of coffee to drink rather than spill. My poor son sat there with his head in his hands staring at the phone. I felt like I should say something positive - something I knew he wouldn't want to hear anyway, so I did the sensible thing and said nothing instead. I tried to mind my own business in a nonchalant way so I busied myself with straightening the house.

After a few minutes, my son finished his cup of coffee, placed the cup in the sink and went to take a shower. The phone rang - the house phone, that is. Another minor irritation. I knocked on the bathroom door. The water abruptly went silent. "Huh?" came the reply. "I'm sorry to disturb you but that was your work on the phone. They need you to come in early," I said as gingerly as possible. "Great," was all I heard before the water turned back on.

Being rushed to work earlier than had been expected only served as more fuel for an already raging temperament. With one shoe on and one off, the stress continued to mount. The phone rang at the same time that someone began knocking on the door. As I headed toward the phone, I heard my usually polite son yell, "Who the f--- is it?!" Then I heard the words, "Is your mother home?" I rounded the corner only to come face to face with my landlord of all people.

Immediately my face went into polite apologetic mode. Mindlessly, the words poured forth. "I'm terribly sorry. It's just been one of those days." He looked at me with what I thought was the hint of a grin seeping from one corner of his mouth. "I just brought some stuff for the drain in the bathroom sink," he said. "Oh, thank you," I replied, embarrassed smile still firmly planted on my face. Glancing over his shoulder at my son, I gave him a look quite different from the polite face meant for my landlord. My son responded with a shrug of his shoulders.

I am quite capable of embarrassing myself. I don't know why my family members have to insist on doing it for me. But I guess that's what family is for. Even when I'm not the one having one of those days, I end up feeling like I would have been better off just staying in bed.

Dumb Luck

I've never really thought of myself as being funny. I don't have much of a sense of humor at all. My ex-husband used to tell me dumb jokes all the time and I didn't laugh, not even to be polite like everyone else would do. Yet the strange thing is that people who've read some of my life stories have found them to be hilarious. I'm not sure if that's good or bad considering those stories actually happened.

Let me put it another way: I'm not really funny; I just do dumb things. What kind of things you might ask. Well, the usual like walking down the street with my daughter, running my mouth at full speed until I walk right into the pole that I didn't see. I didn't find that episode the least bit humorous although my daughter and everyone else on the street did. See, I told you I have no sense of humor.

Doing dumb things seems to be part of my nature. For example, I used to love going to bingo. In fact, I was practically addicted. My sister-in-law and I would go to bingo faithfully and I will never forget some of our most embarrassing bingo moments.

One night as we were rushing to get to our favorite bingo, my sister-in-law, Sue took a leap of faith. And I do mean leap. Well, in all honesty it was more of a splat! She was running late as usual so she parked her car in the parking lot of the employment office which was right behind my house. The lodge where the bingo was being held was right across the street from my home. Sue hurriedly parked, grabbed her purse and bingo supplies, locked the car door and ran through the parking lot toward my house not realizing that a chain was blocking the other end of the lot. She ran right into the chain which sent her flying onto the concrete roadway as a rain of bingo chips fell down around her. Although her hands got scraped up a bit as she tried to brace for her fall, the embarrassment was more painful.

Then I recall another time when me and Sue decided to go to a late night bingo where the prizes were pretty high and we felt lucky. Apparently a lot of other people felt lucky too because when we got there the place was so crowded that we were offered two options: either turn around and go home (we drove quite a distance to get there) or sit on the floor. As we looked around at the other people who had opted for the second choice, we decided to join them. Our seating arrangements turned out to be in a most convenient spot - right next to the ladies restroom. At least I didn't have far to go to relieve myself of the vast amount of caffeine I had consumed throughout the day.

But as with most things, it did have its downside. Women kept stepping over us all night long on their way to the potty. My knees went stiff after sitting in semi-lotus position for over three hours and to top off the perfect night my entire winnings totaled a whopping five dollars! But the night wasn't over yet. It was kind of freaky when I glanced up at the window directly across the room from me and saw my husband's face gazing back at me. In the fraction of a second that it took to blink, I glanced back at the window and he was gone. I told my sister-in-law about the strange sighting but she just laughed and said he was on my mind.

As we filed out of the bingo hall with numb rear ends and lighter pockets, I heard my name cut through the night air in a harsh sounding but familiar tone. The bingo had actually lasted longer than we had anticipated and my husband was worried, not to mention, jealous and not as trusting as he should have been. All I heard was, "Get in the car!" I knew it was a waste of time to even argue. I was just glad that he could never stay mad at me for very long, even though I hadn't done anything wrong anyway.

It was certainly not a profitable night for me or my sister-in-law. Lady Luck had left us with sore buns, stiff knees an empty pockets. Talk about dumb luck!

วันเสาร์ที่ 24 มกราคม พ.ศ. 2552

Norm Goldman Interviews Comedienne Fran Capo,the Guinness Book Worlds Record for the Fastest Talking

Today, Norm Goldman, Editor of Sketchandtravel & Bookpleasures is delighted to have as a guest, Fran Capo.

Fran is quite a "cool person," as she is an eight-time author, humorist, voiceover artist, comedienne, adventurer, actress, freelance writer and keynote motivational speaker. She also holds the Guinness Book Worlds Record for the Fastest Talking Female.

Recently, Fran accomplished another amazing feat as the first and only author to ever do a book signing on the top of Mount Kilimanjaro in Africa with the release of her book "Adrenaline Adventures: Dream it, Read it, Do it!"

Good day Fran and thank you for agreeing to participate in our interview for Sketchandtravel.com and Bookpleasures.com.

Norm:

Could you tell our audience something about yourself and how you became involved in your various occupations?

Fran:

Sure Norm, first let me say its great to be here, and I thank you for having me on as a guest.

Since you mentioned a bunch of the things I did up front, I guess I'll start with how I became a stand up comic, as this was my first entry into the entertainment world.

In school I was known for my sense of humor and some of my classmates suggested a career as a stand-up comic. This had me thinking as to how life would be as a stand-up comic, and I started to watch comics on TV, comedy clubs, listening to comedy albums, etc. I said to myself, I could do this. I asked God to give me the right sign if I should do comedy.

Two occurrences happened that were my go ahead signs. One, when someone turned around in a movie lineup and complimented me on my sense of humor, after hearing me crack jokes to my friends. He suggested I audition for the Comic Strip. Another happened at a car convention, where a fortune- teller analyzed my handwriting and told me I had a good sense of humor and use it to make money.

I eventually did audition at a club called Creighton and Gray's Comedy Room that was very near my home, with material given to me by my friend Barry, who was in my acting class at the time. This was my first success as a stand up comedienne and I received a standing ovation as well as $10. I was a mini-local celebrity, with rave press reviews. I spent the next 15 years of my career figuring out ways to get in print, on radio and television.

Norm:

What is this about- the holding of the "Guinness Book Worlds Record for the Fastest Talking Female?"

Fran:

Well the stand-up comedy gig lead to my fast-talking by

accident. My philosophy is just always say yes and figure it out

after how I am going to do something.

My stand up landed me a job doing weather and traffic at a radio station WBLS-FM in New York. I was doing it as this comedy character June East (Mae West's long-lost sister). One day, Dinah Prince, a reporter from the Daily News called and said she wanted to do an article on me. When she had finished interviewing me for the article, she asked-What are you planning to do next?

Next? Well at the time there was nothing I was planning on doing next, so I asked her what she meant, stalling for time. She said she really wanted to follow my career. Here was a woman from The Daily News telling me she was interested in me! So I thought I'd better tell her something.

What came out was, "I'm thinking about breaking the Guinness Book of World Records for the Fastest Talking Female." The newspaper article came out the next day, and she included my parting remarks about trying to break the world's Fastest-Talking Female record. At about 5:00 P.M. that afternoon, I received a call from CNN asking me to go on the Larry King Live Show. They wanted me to try to break the record. They told me they would send a limo to pick me up at 8:00. That was only three hours. Talk about pressure!

I had never heard of Larry King Live, and when I heard the woman say she was from a Manhattan Channel, I thought, "Hmmm that's a porn channel, right?" She patiently assured me that it was a respectable national television show and that this was a one-time offer and opportunity - it was either that night or not at all.

I managed to find a replacement for a gig I had in New Jersey. I next sat down to figure out what on earth I was going to do on the show. I called Guinness to find out what the rules were to break a fast-talking record. They told me I would have to recite something from either Shakespeare or the Bible. Suddenly, I started saying the ninety-first Psalm, a prayer for protection that my mom had taught me. Shakespeare and I had never really gotten along, so I figured the Bible was my only hope. I practiced over and over again, timing myself with a stop- watch to see how fast I could do it. I was both nervous and excited at the same time.

At 8:00, the limousine picked me up. I practiced the entire way there, and by the time I reached the New York studio I felt as if my tongue was going to fall off. I asked the producer, "What happens if I don't break the record?' She replied, "Larry doesn't care if you break it or not. He just cares that you try it on his show first." So I asked myself, What's the worst thing that can happen? I'd look like a fool on national television! A minor thing, I could live through that. Then I asked myself , And what happens if I break the record?" Now that would be great.

I decided just to give it my best shot, and I did. I broke the record, becoming the World's Fastest Talking Female by speaking 585 words in one minute in front of a national television audience. (I broke it again two years later at the Guinness Museum in Vegas with 603 words per minute.) My career took off.

Norm:

Why did you want to have a book signing on Mount Kilimanjaro, and could you describe to us a little about your experience, particularly your voyage up to its summit, and how did you plan for it? Were you ever afraid?

Fran:

Again, it goes back to my basic philosophy's?of seize the day?and just going after things with a passion. I was actually researching a chapter in my book Adrenaline Adventures: Dream it, Read it, Do it. I read that an 83- year old women climbed Kilimanjaro. So I figured if she could do it, so could I.

I enlisted my son, Spencer into the effort, contacted a top outfit,

CorbetBishopsafaris.com in Africa (the same guy that lead the IMAX

movie team up the mountain.)

Then I figured if I was going to train, climb and do this feat, I might as well make it memorable at the top. So I decided to do a book signing up there, I managed to get two sponsors, my publisher Authorhouse and Snickers Marathon Energy Bars.

It took us 7 days to summit, going through 5 climate zones. The night

of summit we were woken up at 11 PM, it was unseasonably cold. Minus

15 degrees and 45 mph winds, our camelbacks froze, and you felt like

sleeping while standing up.

It took us 18 hours to get up over and down to camp. It was the hardest thing I've ever done (and this is coming from someone who has run the marathon, flown combat aircraft, rode a bike non stop for 100 miles, driven race car, dove with sharks etc?(all of which are talked about in Adrenaline Adventures of course.)

But after Spencer and I climbed it was such a feeling of accomplishment. Plus I had wanted to do it now, since global warming will melt the ice caps by 2015 if not sooner.

The picture of me doing the book signing circulated around the world, and it led to Brian Day O'Conner (Supreme Court justice Sandra Day O'Conner's son) contacting me.

I am now raising sponsorship money to go down in a two-person submersible to the Titanic with Mr. O'Conner. My publisher, Authorhouse, Ripley's Believe it or Not (Planet Eccentric) and GoldenPalace.com the #1 online casino, so far have jumped on board as sponsors. (You can read all about it on my website under sponsorship.)

While down there I am going to be doing a memorial service for the titanic passengers, saying a non-denominational maritime prayer direct from a Navy Chaplain. Did I mention I am also an ordained minister? Yup, became one so I could do this the right way.

Norm:

Which one of your occupations do you find the most enjoyable and why?

Fran:

Wow, that's a hard one, because I really enjoy all that I do. I love making people laugh, so stand up feels great. I hopefully make people forget their problems at least for that night.

I love inspiring people, so I get a real kick out of doing my keynote motivational talk for people called, "Dare to Do it!" Especially when they come up to me and hug me, or when I get an email that they went out and did something they've always wanted to do because they, "Dared to do it."

I love doing my adventures, because it challenges me personally and makes life exciting.

I love writing, so nine books later it feels awesome to see my books in store windows, on websites, and especially when I catch someone reading it on the bus or subway.

I just love communicating with people. As long as I am making them laugh or inspiring them, I'm happy.

Norm:

Please tell us something about your most recent book Hopeville: the City of Light.

Fran:

The Hopeville book, came to me in a strange way, just like the comedy did. It's a story about four people that on the same night pray for light in the world, because they are discouraged. An angel of light appears to each of them and tells them a secret of how to change their town. Each of them does it in his/her own way?and finally after the people see the light, the town is forever changed. It's a book of hope, light and following your dreams. But like I said the book came to me in a very strange way.

Norm:

Could you tell our audience about some of your other travel adventures? Which one up to now has been the most exciting, and why?

Fran:

Well, I've done 50 different adventures, ranging from mild to wild; I mentioned some before but others like flying a helicopter, doing the luge, the polar bear plunge, rock repelling, biking down a volcano, going in a deprivation tank etc.

They all give you an adrenaline rush in a different way. Mind you, I'm usually scared when I do all of them?its just that I have a philosophy of "FEAR NOTHING, but if you do, do it anyway." See all of us have fear, the key is some of us let it paralyse us, while others use it as the spark for the engine. As far as hardest it was definitely climbing Kilimanjaro. As far as a rush; my four favorites Skydiving, driving racecars, cavern diving and snorkeling with manatees. Okay who am I kidding, I really love them all, except maybe the glass blowing?I wasn't too thrilled with that. But my fianc?e loved it?so everybody's different.

The cool thing about the book though is it has adventures that you can't find in other travel books. Plus it has 50 motivational quotes, 50 funny adventure stories, and 50 "Adventure at a glance" pages that tell you all the details so you can do the adventure if you are so inspired.

Norm:

Could you tell us how you go about marketing your books?

Fran: I do many things. First, realize that writing the book is usually the easiest part. Getting people to know about it is the real challenge. And the key is YOU as the writer needs to do most of the legwork.

? Okay, so I send out galley copies to newspapers before the book comes out.

? I send press releases to radio stations, mag. Etc. Using my hook as a fast talker to catch their attention.

? I set up some kind of publicity event so that my book stands out.

? I have a bookstore on my website.

? I carry a box of books in my car at all times. I once sold a book on top of the Sydney Bridge in Australia, thus getting the phrase from my fianc?e, "No one's safe."

? I set up book signings. ? I contact local media.

? I mention the books at all my speaking engagements and comedy gigs.

? I do interviews like this to let people know about my books ? I link with other sites that have readers that may be interested in my books.

? I offer my books to charity's for fundraising events.

Norm:

Has the Internet boosted your career and if so, how?

Fran:

Absolutely. I'd say 90% of my speaking engagements come to me from my website. Usually people will be searching comedian, fast talker, or motivational speaker and my name pops up.

Also, I notice when I do radio shows and mention the website I get a lot of requests that way as well. I think it is essential for every business person these days to have a easily navigatable website.

Norm:

How do you want the world to remember Fran Capo? (I know you are not leaving us just now!)

Fran:

She lived life the way she wanted to?with love, with laughter, with passion and never took no for an answer. She used up all God gave her, and tried to inspire people to do the same.

Norm:

Is there anything else you care to add that we have not covered?

Fran:

Yes, remember-Live everyday as if it's your last, and one day you'll be right.

And of course what kind of marketing author would I be if I did not mention the following: I have a newsletter that keeps people updated on the Capo happenings, simply called, CAPO UPDATES. Anyone interested can go to my website and ask to be on the list.

And of course if you would like to be part of the world record event at the titanic?the sponsorship information is available at my website. Thanks so much Norm, I hope your readers enjoy the interview.

Norm Goldman is the Editor of bookpleasures.com & sketchandtravel.com. The former is a book reviewing site comprising over 25 international prestigious reviewers. The latter is a travel site where Norm and his artist wife, Lily, meld words with art.

Norm is always open to receiving book review requests, as well as invitation to romantic resorts, B&Bs, hotels, etc in Florida and the New England States.

allergies

วันพุธที่ 4 กุมภาพันธ์ พ.ศ. 2552

Short Story: Take a Trip To The Temple Of The Great Tomato

New Orleans First to Experience Housing Bubble Burst

วันอังคารที่ 3 กุมภาพันธ์ พ.ศ. 2552

Bed Bugs Bite

Playing Go-Between in the Digital Age

วันจันทร์ที่ 2 กุมภาพันธ์ พ.ศ. 2552

Wanted: Treadmill for an Elephant

Not Your Average Sunday Morning

วันอาทิตย์ที่ 1 กุมภาพันธ์ พ.ศ. 2552

Sell [Your] Phones

วันเสาร์ที่ 31 มกราคม พ.ศ. 2552

When Humans and Dogs Collide: Negotiations for Todays Changing Times

Health Club Regulars ?- Some of the People Youre Likely To Meet at the Gym

วันศุกร์ที่ 30 มกราคม พ.ศ. 2552

Very Precise Fortune Cookies

Silver Linings Are Everywhere

Funny Things We Dream

Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

วันพฤหัสบดีที่ 29 มกราคม พ.ศ. 2552

Essential Laughter

Very Precise Fortune Cookies

วันพุธที่ 28 มกราคม พ.ศ. 2552

Freudian Slippage

วันอังคารที่ 27 มกราคม พ.ศ. 2552

And the World Goes Round

Wanted: Treadmill for an Elephant

วันจันทร์ที่ 26 มกราคม พ.ศ. 2552

Painful Lessons from the Maternity Ward

When Humans and Dogs Collide: Negotiations for Todays Changing Times

วันอาทิตย์ที่ 25 มกราคม พ.ศ. 2552

Discover the Lighter Side of the Internet

Bad Days and Bad Timing

Dumb Luck

วันเสาร์ที่ 24 มกราคม พ.ศ. 2552

Norm Goldman Interviews Comedienne Fran Capo,the Guinness Book Worlds Record for the Fastest Talking

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