Essential Laughter

Take time to laugh at yourself and the ridiculous in life. It is so refreshing to just laugh at your slips, peculiarities, forgetfulness, and fumbles. Humor has the power to dull the sharp edges of life and is a great tension reliever. Laughter stimulates the soul and boosts the immune system.

There are medical researchers who assert that laughter reduces levels of certain stress hormones. But, beyond this, laughter is curative. It is just good medicine for the sluggish spirit and an effective weapon against despair. It is like perfumed oil to the soul and brings joy to the spirit.

Do not take everything people say and do so seriously. Stop wearing your feelings on your sleeves. Sometimes, it is emotionally prosperous to just smile at the ridiculous, grin at the obnoxious and laugh at the absurd. Transform life's "ugh" into laughter. It was Sterne who asserted, "I live in a constant endeavor to fence against the infirmities of ill-health, and other evils of life, by humor. I am persuaded that every time a man smiles ? but much more so when he laughs ? it adds something to this fragment of life." Let the gift of laughter enhance your life.

In the midst of problematic situations, steal moments of humor. You will be astonished to find that for those moments, your problems disappear. For those few moments, your problems do not exist in your reality and life is wonderful. When the humorous moments pass, the problems no longer seem as monumental as you thought. Embrace humor. Come on now, liven up!

THE ACQUITTAL

Mrs. Graite had reached her limit;
The pain no more could bear.
Her pastor's boring sermons
Had led her to mad despair.

She invited him to dinner;
Prepared tasty veal.
Suspecting something was not right
He refused to eat the meal.

She thought, as she was led away
In handcuffs to a cell,
"No more boring sermons
Is worth all my time in jail."

But her prison term was short
'Cause the jury heard a tape,
Of the preacher's boring sermons
And acquitted Mrs Graite.

This poem is taken from "Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach."

Rev. Saundra L. Washington, D.D., is an ordained clergywoman, social worker, and Founder of AMEN Ministries. <a target="_new" href="http://www.clergyservices4u.org">http://www.clergyservices4u.org.</a> She is also the author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach. Her new book, Out of Deep Waters: My Grief Management Workbook, will be available soon.

Beyond Black and White

Over visiting a neighbor the other day?

&quot;Would you like a cup of coffee?&quot; he asks. &quot;I just roasted the latest batch.&quot;

&quot;Yes. Coffee sounds great.&quot;

&quot;How do you take it?&quot; he asks as he grinds the beans.

&quot;Black; no sugar, no milk.&quot;

&quot;Well, we have no milk anyway, only cream.&quot;

&quot;In that case, I'll have it with no cream.&quot;

&quot;We could water the cream down to make milk, I suppose, if you'd prefer.&quot;

&quot;That's ok,&quot; I say, &quot;No cream is better than no milk anyway.&quot;

&quot;Well, actually, I prefer cream also,&quot; he says, &quot;but like you, I don't put it in my coffee.&quot;

&quot;What about milk?&quot; I ask.

&quot;Never.&quot;

&quot;Unless it's a caf? au lait?&quot; I venture.

&quot;Of course,&quot; says he, &quot;or a cappuccino.&quot;

&quot;Exactly.&quot; I say.

&quot;Just so.&quot;

&quot;Sartre sans sucre?&quot; I ask.

&quot;No. Nein. Niet-zsche, pas de lait.&quot; He gets in the last word. Almost.

I sip my coffee (black) in silence (white).

"Ever wonder where coffee originated?" he queries after a spell.

"Brazil?" I guess, "or somewhere in the Americas?"

"Not so," he replies, "Some say it was in Yemen, the Port of Mocha. Others say it was Ethiopia, in the district of Kaffa. In any case, it is Arabian."

"Aha, I say, "hence The Thousand and One Sleepless Nights."

"Just so," he says and silence returns

? Leslie Fieger. All rights reserved worldwide.

Leslie is the author of The DELFIN Knowledge System Trilogy: The Initiation, The Journey and The Quest plus many more success publications. He also the co-author of The End of the World with Hugh Jeffries and Alexandra's DragonFire with his daughter Ashley. Subscribe to his free and ad-free eZine at <a target="_new" href="http://www.ProsperityParadigm.com">http://www.ProsperityParadigm.com</a> or <a target="_new" href="http://www.LeslieFieger.com">http://www.LeslieFieger.com</a>

Reprinting and republishing of these articles is granted only with the above credit included. Permission to reprint or republish does not waive any copyright.

Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

<LI>"Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer."<BR><B>-- Grace Allen (Gracie)</B>
<LI>"It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else."<BR><B>-- Grace Allen (Gracie)</B>
<LI>"Build a better mousetrap than your neighbour and Kraft Cheese will beat a path to your door."<BR><B>-- Grace Allen (Gracie)</B>
<LI>"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."<BR><B>-- George Burns</B>
<LI>"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."<BR><B>-- George Burns</B>
<LI>"For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died."<BR><B>-- George Burns</B>
<LI>"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city."<BR><B>-- George Burns</B>
<LI>"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."<BR><B>-- George Burns</B>
<LI>"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."<BR><B>-- Johnny Carson</B>
<LI>"Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."<BR><B>-- Johnny Carson</B>
<LI>"Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill."<BR><B>-- Johnny Carson</B>
<LI>"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food."<BR><B>-- Johnny Carson</B>
<LI>"The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money."<BR><B>-- Johnny Carson</B>
<LI>"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."<BR><B>Bill Cosby</B>
<LI>""Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it.""<BR><B>Bill Cosby</B>
<LI>"Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli."<BR><B>Bill Cosby</B>
<LI>"Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit."<BR><B>Bill Cosby</B>
<LI>"I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger."<BR><B>Bill Cosby</B>
<LI>"Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first."<BR><B>Bill Cosby</B>
<LI>"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
<B>-- Rita Rudner</B>
<LI>"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
<B>-- Rita Rudner</B>
<LI>"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
<B>-- Rita Rudner</B>
<LI>"I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."
<B>-- Rita Rudner</B>
<LI>"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
<B>-- Rita Rudner</B>
<LI>"Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other.""
<B>-- Rita Rudner</B>
<LI>"I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it."
<B>-- Jerry Seinfeld</B>
<LI>"No face, mouth open ... that is how the drug companies see the public."
<B>-- Jerry Seinfeld</B>
<LI>"On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'"
<B>-- Jerry Seinfeld</B>
<LI>"People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."
<B>-- Jerry Seinfeld</B>
<LI>"The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."
<B>-- Jerry Seinfeld</B>
<LI>"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
<B>-- Steven Wright</B>
<LI>"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again."
<B>-- Steven Wright</B>
<LI>"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
<B>-- Steven Wright</B>
<LI>"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
<B>-- Steven Wright</B>
<LI>"Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""
<B>-- Steven Wright</B>

Resource Box - ? Danielle Hollister (2005) is the Publisher of <A HREF="http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art8364.asp" target="new">BellaOnline Quotations Zine</a>
- A free newsletter for quote lovers featuring more than 10,000 quotations in dozens of categories like - love, friendship, children, inspiration, success, wisdom, family, life, and many more; plus freebies and links to related resources. All new subscribers get one free ad. Read it - <A HREF="http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art8364.asp" target="new">http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art8364.asp</A>

If Real People Ran the Bank - I (a spoof for the heart)

Banish Loans Forever

If ordinary, hard-working, people ran the bank... the very first thing to get rid of would be loans. Absolutely no more loans!

Because once they're gone, there wouldn't be any more:

- Due dates

- Interest charges - at any rate of interest

- Late fees or penalties

- Liens

- Applications or rejections

- Credit reports [Old joke - If it weren't for bad credit, I wouldn't have any credit at all]

- Playing catch-up month after month

And that means all the related emotional frustrations vanish as well. That would certainly make a lot of people happier. Don't you think?

Instead of lending money, how about just giving it away? That should make everyone happier still.

Imagine a bank saying, "Help yourself - and never worry about paying it back." If it doesn't matter whether money ever gets repaid - there goes accounting and bookkeeping. There goes financial records. There goes debt - along with bad debt. But that's not a stretch for a bank that re-writes the rules. If you thought familiar bank policies were cast in stone, think again.

Up with Emotional Solvency - Down with Debt

A whimsical bank that just started on the Internet eliminates debt and loans. Won't touch 'um. No way, for nobody. That's because it rates a person's emotional health higher than their financial wealth.

This quirky website places more value on emotional solvency than wealth accumulation. Huh? How's that possible? It's the logical (illogical, more like it) outcome of putting feelings first. And its other policies are equally unprecedented and unique. http://www.joyfulbanker.com/goofypoliciesdept.html

The Joyful Banker is a parody of all things financial. It just wants to make you happy - and it wants to keep money worries at bay (even if only for a little while). It exists solely to amuse and delight. To make people feel both generous and rich - with access to unlimited money (admittedly funny munny). This site delivers a high level of frivel (wordplay), giggle, and absurdity in the process.

People are More Valuable than Money... Really

Joyful Banker's avowed purpose is to deliver joy and up-beat energy to all comers. But it can't pull it off without putting money in its rightful place - which isn't first place. Or even second. This is the only bank on the planet devoted to what's really valuable - relationships, generosity, kindness and joy.

Joyful Banker is the Mother Lode of Binkle Lore and Wisdom

A binkle is the energy that's created when people really connect with each other, with nature, or anything that inspires. It's the zizz of energy one feels. Although the word is new that feeling is not. It's been part of every profound or happy experience you can remember. That sensation is always called something else: love, awe, the thrill, peace, inspiration, etc. But the energy of that moment is binkle energy.

This joyous website is devoted to increasing binkle energy in any way possible http://www.joyfulbanker.com/binklepage.html It's not hard to find binkles showing up anywhere - if you're looking for them. Can't have too many. But if you run low, just come beck to fetch some more.

Probably should warn you - it's addictive. The zizz of binkle energy keeps you constantly alert for how to get more. And if you can't find any... that's a downer. But a moment of caring and sharing is sure to get them flowing.

The Binkle Standard Simplifies Your Life

1. Spend MORE of your time and attention with people (or activities) that give binkles

2. Spend LESS time and attention on people (or activities) that drain binkle energy

3. Pass it around! Leave a trail of binkles wherever you go

That's it! But the rewards you feel cannot be exaggerated. Playing "spot the binkle" sure beats a Do List when it comes to banishing stress. Not to mention, it attracts some pretty nice people.

There are still a few bugs being worked out. The funny munny is just for fun. Not to knock fun, but you can't use joy bucks to pay the phone bill.

Come to the Joyful Banker for Binkles and Joy

Anyone who comes to the website has an account (their email address), so can partake in the Unlimited Withdrawals or Open Vault policies. This is one financial institution that won't leave you empty handed. Or empty hearted, either.

?2005, Lynella Grant

This is Part 1 of a 5-part series.

Read the rest http://www.joyfulbanker.com/articles.html

--Lynella Grant The Joyful Banker, a parody of all things financial <a target="_new" href="http://www.joyfulbanker.com">http://www.joyfulbanker.com</a> The funnest, most joyous fool service non-bank in the world. With unlimited withdrawals. Off the Page Press (719) 395-9450 mailto:banker@joyfulbanker.com

Dog Poo - And You Thought You Had Problems

In Southern Germany in a town by the name of Bayreuth, the German police are in a quandary. The town's dog poo is under attack. Park officials are desperate to resolve what could become an international incident. Unknown person or persons have been sticking little US flags into piles of doggie poo for over a year now.

Surprisingly the dog poo brigade has managed to target between 2,000 to 3,000 abandoned piles of excrement in Bayreuth public parks. Quite who actually counted them all and provided these statistics is debatable but the source is rumoured as coming from the Parks Administrator ? Josef Oettl. And you wondered what your parkie did each day?

What was thought to have started as a protest against the Iraqi war has continued through the US election campaign and is still a regular occurrence today. Have the German's not heard of poop a scoop? Surely all self respecting German citizens collect their doggie poo. Poop in the parks and pavements was surely just a British thing?

German police are now stepping up patrols in order to catch these offenders. However, the poo could hit the fan if they ever tried to bring them to court. It is unclear what they would actually charge them with as there is no law against using doggie poo in this way. In fact, you could fly any flag from any piece of turd you find lying around. It's not illegal but it cannot be a pleasant task.

Surely this wouldn't catch on over here in the UK ? would it?

From Birmingham UK Com. (<a target="_new" href="http://www.birminghamuk.com">http://www.birminghamuk.com</a>)

A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Jokes

Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?

A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.

Q: What is the legal definition of &quot;Appeal&quot;?

A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?

A: Your Honor.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator

Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?

A: It comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.

Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?

A: Jewelry.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?

A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: What's the difference between lawyers and accountants?

A: At least accountants know they're boring.

Stories:

1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.

2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."

3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone."

And finally:

You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone to read these jokes.

Richard Chapo is a San Diego business lawyer with <a target="_new" href="http://www.sandiegobusinesslawfirm.com">http://www.sandiegobusinesslawfirm.com</a> and is rumored to have a sense of humor. Then again, you never know with rumors.

Not Your Average Sunday Morning

Just recently my ex-husband stopped in to visit during his vacation. In the course of small talk, a few old memories usually crop up in the conversation. One that instantly came to mind was the day our second son was born.

It was early Sunday morning on a crisp day in the middle of May when I was awakened from my sleep by what I knew to be labor pains. Since it was my second pregnancy I was not alarmed. I already had one child so I felt like an old pro. I knew it was early labor and I had plenty of time before heading off to the hospital. I decided to let my husband, Jim, sleep a little longer. After all, there was no need to awaken him yet.

I slipped quietly out of bed and went to the bathroom to relieve the pressure from my heavily burdened bladder. After washing my hands and face, I brushed my teeth then went into the kitchen to make the morning coffee. I poured myself a steaming cup, retrieved the newspaper from the side porch, then sat down at the kitchen table to look over the headlines. After glancing at the morning news, I poured myself a second cup of coffee and slipped quietly back into the bedroom to get dressed. Jim was still sleeping soundly. I took my already packed overnight bag from the closet and carried it to the living room. I placed it beside the door so that we could just grab it when we were ready to leave. Then I returned to the kitchen to make breakfast for Jim.

My sixteen month old son was spending the weekend with my husband's mother and stepfather. My mother-in-law, Eileen, had insisted on keeping him since she just knew I would go into labor during the weekend. She calculated this prediction due to the fact that I was six days past my due date. After placing the scrambled eggs and sausage links on the plate, I went into the bedroom to wake Jim up, who was still snoring peacefully.

"Morning honey," I said as I kissed him on the forehead. "Get up. Breakfast is ready."

"Morning babe," Jim replied. He sat up, ran his hand through his dishwater blonde hair then stumbled to the kitchen table. He didn't bother to get dressed and since it was only the two of us, I figured it was okay for him to eat in his underwear.

The contractions were getting stronger. My husband gobbled down his food then headed for the bathroom. (No. It wasn't the effects of my cooking!) As I cleaned off the table, I felt the grasp of a contraction, then a sudden warmth of fluid. I leaned against the sink. Jim came out of the bathroom looking relieved but that only lasted momentarily. Glancing over at him, I said, "It's time. My water broke."

"Oh God!," he said. "I have to find a ride. I have to get you to the hospital. (Our car was in the shop for repairs at the time.)

"Calm down," I said. "We have time."

"Time!," my husband shouted. "What time is it? Oh God! I have to catch Lisa before she goes to church." And with that said, he took off out the side door and down the steps. I followed him to the porch. "Honey," I called. "Jim," I yelled, but he was already gone. All I could do was laugh and hope that none of the neighbors called the police on the tall, slender man running down the street in his white Fruit of the Loom briefs!

Lisa was my husband's cousin. She and her husband lived down at the end of our street. I've never been quite sure why Jim ran to her house instead of calling her. It must have just been his first reaction. Although the contractions were stronger now I couldn't hold back from laughing when Jim returned. He was wearing a pair of pants that were entirely too short and he had to hold them tightly around his waist to keep them from falling down. He looked hysterical! It reminded me of the episode from the old Dick Van Dyke show when Laura went in labor! I insisted he change pants before we left for the hospital. Lisa had given Jim the keys to her car and told him to drive carefully. We had two stops to make before going to the hospital - to pick up our mothers. They both wanted to be there and I figured my husband could use their support.

We arrived at my mother's house first. She jumped in the car so quickly I wasn't really sure the vehicle had come to a complete stop. It wasn't until we reached my mother-in-law's home that we realized my mother was still in her nightgown! We all exited the car and went into the house in hopes that my mother-in-law could provide my mother with something more appropriate to wear. While I was in the kitchen talking with my husband's stepfather, we heard a car going down the driveway. Looking out the window, we realized that Jim and his passengers had left for the hospital - without me! My mother had grabbed a bathrobe from a hook on the inside of the bathroom door to cover her nightgown. My mother-in-law left with one side of her head still rolled in foam curlers and the other side displaying loose, bouncy curls. And the three of them were off!

They actually didn't realize they had forgotten me until they arrived at the hospital. Luckily for me, the hospital was only a few minutes away. Yes, they did return, pick me up and deliver me safely to the hospital. Shortly afterward, I delivered a healthy seven pound fourteen ounce son. Mother and child were fine. But I think my husband and our mothers were a little worse for wear!

Darlene Zagata is a freelance writer and columnist for the print publication Moon Shadows Magazine. She is also the author of "Aftertaste: A Collection of Poems" and "The Choosing." Her work has been published extensively both online and in print. For more information visit her website at <a target="_new" href="http://darlenezagata.tripod.com">http://darlenezagata.tripod.com</a> or contact Darlene at <a href="mailto:darzagata@yahoo.com">darzagata@yahoo.com</a>

Do Americans Really Understand Irony?

Let me start by saying that 'I am an American' Ok, there I have admitted it. But let me go on to make myself slightly more unpopular by suggesting that our American society does present us with a range of valuable and positive aspects. (no ? I am not being ironic yet) Before you stop reading, let me counter that by suggesting what I see as the greatest fault of our modern society. A self absorbed US-centric attitude? A destructive ill conceived foreign policy that is destroying our reputation across the globe? No, neither of these. In my opinion the greatest tragedy is the lack of widespread irony in our daily lives and conversations.

So what is irony? Let me start by explaining the concept, so that at least my fellow Americans can understand the idea even if they do not get it. Merriam Webster Dictionary (http://www.m-w.com) provides several definitions, with the following providing a succinct and accurate explanation: &quot;the use of words to express something other than (and especially) the opposite of the literal meaning. So if I trip over and say 'Gee ? I'm co-ordinated today', that would be an example of irony. The act of falling over is opposite to the literal words. I have used this example, because some of you may be thinking 'Hang on, but isn't that the same as sarcasm?' I could of course answer by saying 'Gee- aren't you clever today', but I will stick to the shorter answer of 'no'.

Although I have provided a single definition of irony above, there are in fact several forms of irony. Sadly, for those people who mix and match these concepts ? sarcasm is not one of these forms. The difficulty is that sarcasm is 'usually' said in an ironic way, but this is not always the case. In short, it is possible to have either sarcasm or irony without having the other. Going back to my original example where I fell over, if you had mocked me and said 'Gee ? you're co-ordinated today', that would be sarcastic because of the scornful snigger. But as you will remember from above it is also defined as irony. However, if you had mocked my poor mishap by saying 'Gee ? aren't you unco-ordinated', then you will have lost the touch of irony and simply descended to the lowest form of wit ? sarcasm. (For a further explanation of the difference between these two concepts see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk:Irony#Irony_vs_Sarcasm)

So in essence irony can be misunderstood as sarcasm because the two concepts do overlap. Sarcasm must have the mocking or sneering tone, and the confusion therefore arises because so often sarcasm occurs when making ironic statements which are positive when clearly something negative is intended. Just to be confusing, I note the potential for both parody and satire to incorporate both irony and sarcasm for even greater effect. (http://www.modern-masterpieces.com)

So, do Americans really not understand irony? It would seem unlikely given its close connection with sarcasm, but still possible. It is true that many English comedians find the American circuit more difficult for this very reason. The fact that irony is used to different effect in the US does not mean that it is not used to significant and striking purpose.

The world wide success of shows like The Simpsons and Seinfeld is partially attributed to their fantastic use of irony. These shows both allow ironic humor to seep out, in stark contrast to the more traditional comedy setups of so many American sitcoms, which are far more gag focussed.

To conclude this section of self congratulatory praise for how us Americans DO actually understand and use irony, I note the two (American) Golden Globes awarded to the very ironic English sitcom The Office (http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice).

What is that you say? The Globes are voted for by Hollywood's foreign press too, and this is likely to have been a big influence, especially given the relatively small scale success of the show in America. Ok, a fair comment I guess. But secondly, and far more distressingly, The Office has been remade for the US market. So, firstly we heap accolades on this fine piece of television and then we deconstruct it, de-irony it, Americanise it and repackage it. Perfect! I think the whole argument could be lost on this sad point alone.

Do not distress however, the surge of irony is coming, and will not be stopped. It has been said that Americans take themselves too seriously to drop irony into everyday conversations. Well, there is little doubt in my mind that this is changing. Lines from shows such as The Simpsons are being copied and used by millions of children across this great land, and slowly but surely the old gags that amused former generations will give way to this higher form of humor ? 'irony'.

Well, I think that cleared up issue - not!

Biography:

Michael Watson studied English Literature at University, where he gained an interest in literary criticism particularly relating to drama and prose fiction. Michael has more recently focussed on genres of literature and literary techniques. As a side interest Michael manages <a target="_new" href="http://www.thedreaminterpreter.com">http://www.thedreaminterpreter.com</a>

Bibliography:

<a target="_new" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk:Irony#Irony_vs_Sarcasm</a>

<a target="_new" href="http://www.modern-masterpieces.com">http://www.modern-masterpieces.com</a>

3 Surefire Ways To Combat Rising Gas Prices

I have heard the rumblings of many of you in Readerland about the recent spike in gasoline prices. In fact it's all I seem to hear about lately. But at least it keeps you from rumbling about the infrequency of my columns and articles. Nonetheless, I have decided to try to help you get through this crisis by generously providing: 3 Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices!

1. Don't Drive Your Car

This is, of course, the most obvious solution. If you never take the old Plymouth out the driveway, then it won't matter that at current gas prices it takes $125 to fill up the 30 gallon gas tank, or that you only get about 2.51 miles to the gallon. If you never drive, you could care less.

Of course, I know what you're going to say. "But Tim, I have places I need to go-like work. And the kids have school and soccer practice. And then there's grocery shopping and yoga lesssons and dinner at the Richardsons and blah blah blah and...." Ok, I get the point. Not everyone can sit around the house writing not-so-funny articles and searching the Internet for Drew Barrymore photos like me. I fully understand that some of you have a life. But just because you don't drive your own car doesn't mean you can't get around. The answer?

2. Carpool

It's seems so simple now doesn't it. Instead of using your gas-Use Someone Elses! Have someone else pay $5.50 a gallon for gas to take your kids to school. Make someone else dip into their retirement fund just so they can cover the gas bill needed to get you to the office and back everyday. Make someone else get a second job so that they can have a full tank of gas in their SUV when your daughter needs to cruise the mall. It's so simple.

Of course, the concept behind carpooling is that everyone takes turns driving. So in a normal carpool situation you would eventually be required to use your car and spend your money driving others around. But this is not a Normal Carpool Situation, this is a Tim Ward Carpool Situation (TWCPS). In a TWCPS you avoid using your own car by making it so that the other carpool participants would rather walk barefoot on 120 degree asphalt than ride with you. You achieve this by:

(a) never washing or cleaning your car. Leave it looking and smelling like the county landfill.

(b) Have the worst behaved child in your family sitting in the front seat at all times. Feed the child lots of candy so he/she is always superhyper.

(c) Refuse to discuss anything in your car except your spouses bad bathing habits, bodily fluids, hang nails, chest hair, etc.

(d) Only play reggae music on the radio. Loud!

You shouldn't have to worry about anyone wanting to ride with you ever again.

3. Ride the Bus/Subway

Many cities have a mass transit system that is an alternative to driving your own vehicle. If you live in a city that doesn't have one don't worry-you can always move. Of course, riding public transportation does have a few drawbacks, but these can be easily overcome if you follow these simple guidelines:

1. No matter what happens never, ever make eye contact with anyone. Making eye contact is an invitation for someone to mug you.

2. No matter what happens never, ever give up your seat to anyone. This is seen as weakness, and will be taken as an invitation to mug you.

3. No matter how tempted you are never, ever strike up a conversation with the person sitting next or across from you. This is very annoying and can be taken as an invitation for someone to mug you. Or worse, for someone to talk back.

4. Always make sure you are alert to get on and off at the right stop. Getting off at the wrong stop can lead to immediate mugging.

5. Never, ever take children with you on public transportation. Fellow passengers hate children. Children make you definite mug victim material.

Well, there you have it. 3 ways to deal with rising gas prices. Hopefully, you will be able to use these methods to keep from spending twice your car's Blue Book value just going to Walmart. Hopefully, next time your friends are grumbling and ranting about the mounting gas prices you will be able to just sit back and smile, content because the issue no longer concerns you. Hopefully, I've once more helped my loyal readers in a time of crisis. And all I ask in return as a simple thank you next time you see me. Just make sure we're not on the bus. I'd hate to have to mug you...

Tim Ward invites you to visit <a target="_new" href="http://www.timward.1afm.com">http://www.timward.1afm.com</a> to subscribe to his humor column 'I Never Said I Was Normal'.

Bed Bugs Bite

I just turned on the news a minute ago and wondered why there weren't news flashes regarding when -- and perhaps where -- people are turning on the news. Sometimes it is a slow news week, and there's not much to read in Newsweek, so maybe this could take up some space. I think that's how Neptune got there...

What I am really wondering, though, is how bed bugs got their reputation. Don't worry, there is no need to inspect your bed spread, although I heard the spread does improve the taste of toast. But I've been thinking for at least 32 seconds about the history of bed bugs and why they are among the most feared creatures in the world, and possibly in the universe, assuming that other worlds have beds. Think about it. We don't tell people, "Don't let the rabid dogs bite" or "Don't let the spiders bite" unless we're in the White House, in which case all warnings are figurative anyway. Everywhere else the line a person hears before sleeping is "Don't let the bed bugs bite," as if bed bugs are worse than the nightmare the person will likely have anyway...

I feel sorry for that sucker who was actually bitten by a bed bug, because he can't shrug off the warning like the rest of us can. In fact, he's the reason we use the statement to begin with:

Victim: Well, I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

Victim's Acquaintance: Be careful in there. You remember what happened the last time you went to bed, right?

Victim: Yeah, yeah, I remember.

Victim's Acquaintance: Well, don't let the bed bugs bite. Not again.

I just hope there's no worldwide phenomenon of people being bitten by all kinds of animals while sleeping, because that's just too many things to list while wishing someone a good night. And just imagine if a person was bitten by a sheep while sleeping. That would throw the whole sleeping process for such a complete loop that we'd all probably just stay awake forever. Think about how stale the Fruit Loops would get...

In between the previous paragraph and this one I decided to take a few minutes to do some research. After all, research can save lives, and the typical reader checks out this column to have his or her life saved -- or maybe it's to read about lime Life Savers. Regardless, I've read that bed bugs are commonly found in homes that have bats in the attic. Now, I know what you're thinking: "That's good to know. I'll go to the attic right away to get rid of those darn bats." But don't act so quickly! Remember: those bats are protecting your old boxes, including your Yahtzee game. So slow down and think before you do something you'll regret in a day or two...

It is said that a room with bed bugs typically has a distinct odor. Furthermore, black spots may be found on sheets, or there may even be small blood stains that are evident. So before you blame your crazy aunt for coming over to your house and leaving a trail of her own blood, understand that she probably never made it past the attic after her entrance through the chimney. The same applies to Santa Claus, I'd imagine...

Since bed bugs are nocturnal, they hide in dark places during the day before feeding at night. Placing glow-sticks all over your house, so that there is no dark crevice, will assure that these creatures will seek a house more conducive to their ways, although this other house is probably not nearly as well-decorated. Realize that bed bugs feed on wild birds, in addition to domestic animals, bats, and humans. So pretending to be a wild bird all day isn't your best escape, unless you are a wild bird, in which case it's good you aren't afraid to be yourself. And I thank you, wild bird, for reading...

Bed bugs are most commonly found in old rooms and hotels, as well as in places which are considered unsanitary. Something tells me, though, that if you are living somewhere unsanitary, you have other issues besides bed bugs, such as the fact that you are sleeping in your own filth. This aside, the best way to not let the bed bugs bite, wherever you live, seems to be ignoring their existence. When they hear, "Don't let the bed bugs bite," their obvious reaction will be one of the following:

a) Hey, they're acknowledging us, but in a negative way. Let's go do some serious biting.

b) I hope no one has caught on to our Yahtzee fetish in the attic, especially those darn bats.

So by not giving the warning, and using some other bedtime greeting instead, you're saving yourself in the process. You see, the purpose of this column is not to stop you from getting a good night's sleep, because we all know that's what fire trucks and crickets are for. Instead, please take this column as a warning that bed bugs do exist, and you know what? They're a lot like news flashes. That's right -- they come when you're watching late-night television, and they leave you with an empty feeling after they take some of your blood. Yes, exactly like news flashes, yes...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (<a target="_new" href="http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com"http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com/a>)

Lactose Intolerant? It could be a good thing

Lactose Intolerant Individuals may prove a bonus in Space Missions. Lactose intolerant individuals have huge problems with gas from the inability to process certain dairy products and foods. Therefore such an individual after eating will create gas, methane, which could be used as fuel. There are methane based fuel cell units available and a few companies, which have such portable devices now. And some will be online soon;

http://www.lbl.gov/Science-Articles/Archive/MSD-fuel-cells.html

http://www.mtpc.org/2004dev/cleanenergy/cells.htm

Hydrogen can be generated from methane. That lactose intolerant individual maybe much more valuable than once thought. By using this gas as a source needed to run a fuel cell we may also help keep batteries charged in space craft for explorers, army communications personal and for survival situations. The human body has the ability to generate waste and if properly monitored, stored and re-used it may just be enought to keep them alive and powered up.

As NASA explores ways to power up space colonies and allow ways for explorers to survive the deep of space, all options must be left open and maybe some body orfices too? Currently scientists and researchers are trying to figure out ways to recycle and reuse body fluids, human waste and water for long-term space travel? Some day you may wish you were lactose intolerant, but for now keep the hot air coming. Just sit next to the other members of the crew.

"Lance Winslow" - If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; <a target="_new" href="http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs">www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs</a>

Discover the Lighter Side of the Internet

We all know the Internet is a great tool for finding out information and sharing knowledge. But as a human sometimes sitting at a computer all day can get quite tedious, especially if it is your job 5 days a week. This feeling can be compounded by other problems in one's personal life, and the result can mean little productivity because of a sour mood. Well humanity does have a lighter side, and this too can be explored on the Internet. Sometimes a little humor or interesting trivia can really take the edge off a bad moment. You'd be surprised at how much comedy and insight is expressed on the Net. I've been exploring what's out there and I just can't stop laughing. Laughter of course is the ultimate medicine and some believe it to be the highest form of life. My only warning is don't get hooked on this stuff as your work ethic will probably become worse than ever! Now, there's a lot of stuff on the Net and not all of it is positive humor, but you can surf around the undesirable stuff with ease. To give you an idea of some funny sites I discovered, here is a short list but I'm sure there are thousands of others you can find by doing simple word searches: <A target="_new" href="http://www.bored.com">www.bored.com</A>, <A target="_new" href="http://www.linkydinky.com">www.linkydinky.com</A>, <A target="_new" href="http://www.chickenjoke.com">www.chickenjoke.com</A>, <A target="_new" href="http://www.crazyfads.com">www.crazyfads.com</A>, <A href="http://www.crazythoughts.com">www.crazythoughts.com</A>, <A target="_new" href="http://www.dancingbush.com">www.dancingbush.com</A>, and <A target="_new" href="http://www.stupidvideos.com">www.stupidvideos.com</A>. I really advise checking out the last site and watching the video entitled 'Evil penguin2'. This nearly brought tears to my eyes as I already have a soft spot for penguins. So, you've got jokes, funny videos, kooky trivia, strange thoughts and perspectives on different aspects of life, and even the most 'powerful' man on Earth-George Bush doing an animated dance imitating John Travolta in 'Saturday Night Fever'. You've really got no reason anymore to sit in front of your computer worrying and wallowing in self-pity. I've always thought that humans have put too much emphasis on technological development as opposed to the spiritual side of things. This comedic aspect to the Internet has shown me that people can also be quite clever in more lighthearted endeavors. Some of the ideas on these sites really flip the world upside down and make you question why we do the things the way we do. This could be considered a step forward in our evolution as we see the underlying truths in our cultural systems. Laughter is the key to humanity reaching a higher level of consciousness. Imagine if everyone on our planet could all be happy enough in one moment to laugh at the same time. The Earth would shake, the seas would rise, and all the animals would stop what they're doing to join in. The vibration would probably cause a ripple to flow out into space affecting other planetary systems. Then, imagine all the beings of the Universe laughing at one time. We're talking serious celebrations! We're talking about black holes folding in on themselves in result of the positive energy wave forces demolishing all negative forces in their path! It's called the Laughter Revolution, and it might just be the next step for you to take to reach that long awaited goal of happiness. Come on, take a look around, there's a whole world of funniness just under the surface of our perceived 'normal' reality. We have to wake up and smell the cheese?Oh the sweet cheese.

Jesse S. Somer<BR>M6.Net <A target="_new" href="http://www.m6.net">http://www.m6.net</A><BR>Jesse S. Somer is a 'laughing boy' hoping to utilize the human-packed comedy hidden in the Internet to morph into a 'laughing man'. He also hopes to incite others to join in the Laughter Revolution that one day will spread across planet Earth.

Funny Things We Dream

I often wonder why I wake up so happy, ready to start the day. When I was younger I'd whack the alarm clock, for the fourth time, grumble out of bed and stomp around with a major sour puss. Now I'm up before the alarm clock most mornings, and I don't grumble, not as often as I used to anyway. I'm often anxious to see what the day will bring.

I think I've stumbled upon the reason for my early rise and my cheery outlook. My wife. Yes, she brightens up my days and has given me tremendous motivation, though she still sleeps later than I do, and she tends to grumble, though not too badly.

There's another reason, and this also involves my wife. I believe that laughter is the best medicine, and she makes me laugh. More so, I think a happy attitude is contagious, and the reason I wake up happy might be this: my wife laughs in her sleep.

I kid you not. She laughs out loud. So loud that I'm frequently awakened by her nocturnal guffaws. Sometimes it begins as a chuckle, but many times the laughter just erupts, like she just saw the funniest thing in the world. How can I help but be amused and feel happy myself when I'm treated to this many nights out of a week.

There's more... while still asleep, she tells me what she was laughing about. Here's are the most recent accounts...

One night she rolls over and begins her laughing. I wake up, and wait for her to settle down. Then I ask "What's so funny?"

I wasn't expecting a response, but to my surprise she answered me while still sound asleep. She said "Mrs. Juniper said the juniper wouldn't grow much taller than two feet, but she planted it and the damn thing took off, and it's still growing! Ha ha ha ha...." Then she began to snore again.

I shook my head, rolled over and settled in for the remainder of the night, knowing that we'd both get a kick out the story when I recalled it the following day. We did.

The most recent episode was even better, stranger. This time it seemed like I was already awake before she started laughing, maybe she had been chuckling first and that roused me. Either way, when she stopped her laughter I decided to see if she would talk again.

I asked "Okay, what's so funny this time?"

Her reply was classic. A truly original rambling by a sleeping brain. She said "Orville Redenbacher's plane wouldn't fly so they were trying to hang Orville Redenbacher's plane over the bed by a string. Ha ha ha ha...." Then she conked out.

Again I shook my head, rolled over and anticipated the break of day, when I would share the tale from her sleeping brain with her alert brain. I couldn't wait to see her reaction.

I ask you, being a natural marvel, capable of great intellect, doesn't the human brain have better things to think about? The mechanics of slumbering gray matter perplex me.

Why she laughs in her sleep I don't know, but I'm glad she does. I'm happily married, and I assure you, that will never change!

I'm looking forward to more of her one liners from la-la-land. Can there be more? I'll keep you posted. Heck, if I collect enough maybe I'll write a book!

That's all for now. From my funny little spot in the universe, I bid you well.

Over and out.

Drew Vics, an artist, writer & musician from New Jersey, writes for <a target="_new" href="http://www.Myeyez.net">http://www.Myeyez.net</a>, and for other websites online.

A French Teachers Memories: First Day at School

Despite my diplomas that allowed me to teach in state secondary schools, and my requests, I had been appointed to teach to a sixth-grade class. At least, I almost worked in my backyard. The morning classes went smoothly. I knew that my pupils were experiencing many new situations. In primary school, they were all day long in the same classroom with the same teacher, who knew them by their first name. During their first sixth-grade day, they met a different teacher at each hour, each time in another classroom that was to be found among hundreds. They were mainly concerned by finding and reaching the right room on time. Any of them would have been happy to recognize and to sit beside the girl or the boy they did not want to be seen with last year, when the world was not that large.

The afternoon classes began at two o'clock. (As much as possible, lunch time is scheduled on regular bases for the youngest.) I unlocked the classroom and let the children enter. I counted them as they passed in front of me. One was missing. I checked in the attendance notebook: no pupil was reported absent. I had no idea about what I was supposed to do and began to wonder how to report the fact, when TocTocToc, somebody knocked at the door.

- "Come in!" A little girl came in.

- "Excuse-me, Madame, I was lost." Before I could reprimand those who laughed, she began to vomit. I pointed a girl out: "Go to the infirmary with her." -"Where is it, Madame?" she asked.

I did not know. I had no time to reflect, the second girl vomited, then a boy, then I could count no longer.

I thought of a food poisoning and sent two pupils who looked in good health to warn the chief supervisor "or any grown up you find". Yes, I was losing my head at full speed!

At last, the cavalry came to the rescue: firemen (in France, they dealt with any emergency issue, not only fire), ambulances, the medical staff and the cleaning team.

As the pupils in the other classrooms were not affected, it could not be because of a food poisoning and No!, I am not noxious! The first girl vomitted because of her fear of being lost, late and alone. The others let themselves be led by her because they felt the same fear of being lost, late and alone.

To yawn is infectious also. I would have prefered she yawned.

Gabrielle Guichard is a French teacher who can be listened to on <a target="_new" href="http://www.frenchpodcasting.com/">FrenchPodcasting.com</a>.

Eye Spy Potatoes

Lately I've had the problem of falling asleep with my contact lenses still in my eyes. And by "lately," I mean for the past seven years. This, in a lot of ways, is the pinnacle of laziness because the removal of contacts takes no more than a minute or two, or three hours if it's your first time. But I've come to the conclusion this morning that there is a reason I fail to remove the contacts: deep down, I am hoping to find certain people in my dreams. So if I have the contacts on my eyes, then perhaps my eyes will be able to contact them. Isn't logic wonderful? I am pretty sure, in fact, that if I never remove my contacts, a telephone may become a thing of the past...

If we really do follow logic with our eyes, then why don't we use potatoes as optometrists? Any vegetable with that many eyes must have good sight. The only thing we'd have to worry about is their communication skills, because I've yet to hear a potato talk, especially not in full sentences. Plus, we need to get rid of the negative stereotypes of potatoes caused by Mr. Potato Head, who never seems to have his feet or arms in the right place. Quite honestly, I don't think we can trust something -- or someone -- like that with our vision. Truly you'd be able to say that nobody "nose" the trouble if your nose is in an eye socket...

If the trust does accumulate, I think we need to assure the general population that not only will these potatoes test our eye sight, but they will also help to remove pointy objects, such as broken light bulbs from lamps. Imagine the possible diagnosis: "Well, your eyes are good, but your lamp is going to have to stay here for another 24 hours. You can never be careful, you know."

Speaking of columns going nowhere, I think most rabbits have more money than people realize, with all those carrots and whatnot. The thing is, what is a rabbit supposed to do with money? This question leads me to think that rabbits need financial advisers who will take care of money matters and tell them that money does matter, but then tell them the opposite once they invest half of their money and lose it. Bugs and Roger would be proud...

In conclusion, I must stop falling asleep with contacts in my eyes, because eventually such an action will cause me to write very bad columns about rabbits and money. Luckily I don't think that will happen for quite some time...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (<a target="_new" href="http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com">http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com</a>)

Setting History Straight

Have you ever heard the name Will Schwenk? Or the name Artie Seymour? Probably not. But you will, you will, when the word gets around about how these two inglorious talents were by-passed, how they missed being touched by the magic wand of Fate. For contrary to popular belief, the series of light operettas commonly attributed to Gilbert and Sullivan were in effect written by the pair of nonentities named above, Artie being the melodist and Will the versifier.

Gilbert had also dabbled in versifying; his cynical Bab Ballads had caused a minor stir a couple of years earlier, but the man had no real talent. Sullivan likewise had plunked out a few tunes on his clavichord, melodies, if one could call them that, on a qualitative par with "Chopsticks." The consequence that Sullivan and Gilbert have always been credited with the fabrication of Ruddigore, Pinafore and a dozen other popular puerilities came about through a curious chain of circumstances.

Schwenk and Seymour were eking out a precarious living in Soho, London's "Tin Pan Alley" of its day, writing ballads and comedy routines to be sung and performed in the sleazy music halls at that time ubiquitous in The City. One day the inseparable Gilbert and Sullivan, both gentlemen of quality-but also scoundrels, as will be seen-were slumming along Carnaby Street when through an open window they chanced to hear Seymour and Schwenk in the throes of composition. The two were concocting a humorous playlet supposedly set in Morning Court, with a parade of panderers, prostitutes, and their pettifogger-solicitors passing before the judge, singing and acting out their diverse woeful tales.

The eavesdroppers stood by, taking copious notes and committing a good earful to memory. They then retired to the Music Room of their club, and by dint of a few ingenious switcheroos and an abundance of gall, came up with their first opus, the well-known Trial by Jury. It was not mere coincidence that in this year of 1875 the element Gallium was discovered by the French chemist Lecoq de Boisbaudran.

No, scratch that-perhaps there was no connection between the two events. In attempting to set history straight, one is occasionally touched by mild paranoia.

It was extremely bad form for two well-dressed gentlemen to be seen loitering about Soho streets and alleys for hours on end, and it wasn't until the invention of the microphone in 1877 that the two plagiarists were able to upgrade their method of filching Will's and Artie's dramatic themes and catchy music-hall melodies. Posing as a pair of itinerant quill-pen inspectors, they persuaded the gullible landlord of the Schwenk-Seymour flat to let them in while the two were absent. They quickly installed a "bugging" device (probably the first instance of Edison's invention being put to such use), leading its wires to a nearby flat they had rented for just such an eventuality.

Will Schwenk and Artie Seymour continued to grind out clever satires, parodies, melodies and patter-songs for the insatiable but poorly-paying music-hall trade. A few yards away Sullivan and Gilbert listened intently, and then rewrote, revised and disguised the arduously-earned creations of the talented pair. H.M.S. Pinafore, The Pirates of Penzance, Patience, Iolanthe and Princess Ida followed one another in almost annual succession, elevating G and S to the pinochle of success, if one may be permitted a small witticism at this point.

It must be emphasized that although the Gilbert and Sullivan operettas were immensely popular and widely publicized among the middle and upper classes of society-even among the nobility-Schwenk and Seymour did not move in those genteel circles, nor did the raucous but appreciative audiences who patronized the various music halls and amusement centers where the latter's compositions were being staged. In 1885 the game came close to discovery when a discerning critic, after a night of pub-crawling, remarked in his newspaper column on the similar melodic line in The Mikado's "I've Got a Little List" and one of the ditties in Schwenk and Seymour's Bums and Bangers. Fortunately-or unfortunately, depending on one's sympathies-no budding Sherlock Holmes tracked the clue to its source.

Ah, Fame! Impresario Richard D'Oyly Carte was so enthused that he built a theatre, the Savoy, exclusively for the presentation of G-and-S operettas. Several companies of players traveled throughout the English-speaking world, and every performance was a sell-out. The works were easily translated into other languages; the plots were simple, the tunes hummable, and the patter-songs lent themselves readily to other tongues. On one signal date there were 148 Gilbert and Sullivan operettas being performed simultaneously (aside from time differences) in fourteen languages in theatres all around the world.

The money rolled in, augmenting the personal fortunes of the two cultural swindlers, but none of it trickled down to the actual fabricators of this immensely popular frothy pabulum, Seymour and Schwenk, who continued their daily efforts to make ends meet. Daily the results of their endeavors were siphoned off by G and S.

Ruddigore, Yeomen of the Guard, and The Gondoliers followed The Mikado, but by 1889 the two so-called gentlemen, now both wealthy and portly, had wearied of the years-long talent-embezzlement, and decided to desist. Gilbert turned his efforts to the construction of children's mechanical toys, most notably the Erector Set. Sullivan wrote "The Lost Chord" and the dirgelike music to Sabine Baring-Gould's hymn "Onward Hebrew Soldiers" (-Marching as to war/With the Star of David/Going on before, etc.), although Ms Baring-Gould, under strong pressure from the Church of England, was induced to revise the title and lyrics of the latter work.

Will Schwenk and Artie Seymour died in Obscurity, a small industrial town in the Midlands, never having discovered nor even suspected the thefts of their labors over that fifteen-year period.

* * * * *

Author's Note: For the musical-knowledge-deprived, Sir William Schwenk Gilbert and Sir Arthur Seymour Sullivan were in fact the actual lyricist and composer, respectively, of the named operettas.

by David Koblick

Internet is My True Agent

You know the type -- that doodling type. Every time there is a pen and paper on the table, they will be sketching something down, with a mysterious smile, giggling quietly and making funny faces. Vlad Kolarov is no exception -- however, he has built a carrier out of his funny habit. If you are no Internet stranger, probably you have already seen his work. It might be a Yahoo ecard, or a funny cartoon on some web site, a greeting card or even his online portfolio (<a href="http://www.vladkolarov.com" target="_new">http://www.vladkolarov.com</a>). Vlad has been around for some time.

Q> Why did you decide to become a cartoonist?

R> I don't think I ever had a choice. Obviously I was born with the cartoon gene - I've always loved to doodle and create my own little world on paper. As a kid at school I noticed that my cartoons made people laugh and brought me some respect. That's a nice feeling. So to get paid to do it is the best. In spite of my law education (which I actually have never used), I decided to follow my stars and become a full-time cartoonist/illustrator. It turned out to be a very tough job but I also love the fact that I make my own hours and work at home. And it's great having a job that deals with humor.

Q> So how did it all start?

R> It all started in 1989 (my God! That makes me almost as old as the Triceratops). It was a very exciting time. After some time freelancing, I landed a job as a cartoonist for the biggest Bulgarian daily newspaper "24 hours". Several years later I decided to expand my horizon and moved to Vancouver, BC with my family. I've been living and working there ever since -- I love the place!!!

Q> Vlad, how do you find new markets? Do you make any "cold calls" or do you wait for the clients to call you?

R> Finding new markets is the key to being a successful freelancer. As an artist working at home you should be always looking for new clients. I contact magazines, websites, greeting card companies, etc... Also, they contact me. I find having a web site portfolio very useful (check it out - <a href="http://www.vladkolarov.com" target="_new">http://www.vladkolarov.com</a>). A freelancer MUST promote himself in every way possible. If one simply waits for clients to come to him, they'll never make it.

Q> Share a marketing secret with our readers.

R> Always be creative! For example my latest idea is to use the power of the Internet and turn my fans into my agents. Anyone who recommends me and brings in a new client will receive 15% commission of what I get. So if you want to make some extra money -- spread my name around:)

Q> You have such a wonderful drawing style! Do you have any art training?

R> No. I've had some art classes, but I was not very good -- so gave up and started drawing what I like instead. I noticed that my style changed a lot during the years, and eventually it is what you see now. I am a fan of the simple forms, so that is what I am after. Less is more (except in the bedroom):)

Q> What is the schedule of a man "working @ home"?

R> My day starts at around 8AM. I start with answering my mail, then drawing cartoons and promoting my work. The nice thing is that each day is a new challenge with a different project and a different client, so I never get bored. This usually goes till 8PM -- six days a week. Freelancers must work as many hours as possible.

Q> What is the business side of cartooning?

R> Tough...Professional cartooning IS a business. I am the president of Cardsup Greetings Ltd., which is a full-service multimedia company. We (it is a company, remember?) specialize in humor, but we do almost everything -- web design, interactive animation, web hosting, logo design, etc. We also provide humor content to web sites -- right now we have packages of daily cartoons and ecards that work great for marketing web sites.

Q> What is the best thing for you as a cartoonist?

R> Being my own boss. Being able to work from home. Having my wife and kids around me. Cartooning can be quite rewarding:)

Q> Where does your inspiration come from?

R> I am often asked that question...The truth is that after all these years my inspiration comes from the bills I have to pay...Deadline a inspirational too. This is a creative business, and as such, you need some reality biting you from behind.

Q> Is there a secret for being successful?

R> There are no secrets. Being successful comes with a lot of work. You won't be successful if you sit all day in from of the television set. You must promote yourself and produce new material each and every day.

Q> Do you work with any agencies? Do you think they help the artists?

R> No. I've had my share of rejection slips. Agencies are business representatives. In some cases they can help -- having someone out there promoting your work is nice. But they are not a guarantee for success and if you can do the work you don't actually need them. That's why I LOVE the Internet -- that is my true agent! And remember, if you recommend me -- you'll get paid!

Q> Tell us a bit about the selling process. Do you have set rates for your work and do you give discounts?

R> I do have set rates, rates that I usually charge but I am very flexible. Each client has a different budget and a different need. There are a lot of factors that go into determining how much a cartoon costs, and there is always that negotiating process. No client is too small or too big for me. I never turn away clients.

Q> Vlad -- what's up with the name?

R> Contrary to the wide spread rumor, I am not related to Dracula. I was, however, born in a small town on the river Danube relatively close to Transylvania. That could explain my taste for dark humor.

Q> Do you ever laugh at your cartoons?

R> Guilty, your honor! That has happened from time to time. But what I prefer is seeing the others laugh at them -- that is my biggest reward!

Q> How do people react when you tell them you are a cartoonist?

R> Most of them do not understand what that is...May be it's my accent, or may be it's such an exotic profession. How many cartoonists do you know?

About The Author

Dessislava Oundjian is the marketing Guru behind <a href="http://www.etoon.com" target="_new">http://www.etoon.com</a> -- one of the largest searchable cartoon databases in the world. Find T-shirts and other custom apparel, get information about licensing our cartoons or send e-cards.

How To Marry A Wealthy Guy

How To Marry A Wealthy Guy

(or Girl... Or at least Make Sure they're a Good Money Manager!! ha,ha!)

Here are some little tips so you can at least spot a wealthy (or soon-to-be-wealthy) guy:

1. If that BMW he's driving is most likely leased, you may be looking at a guy who owes a whole lot of money to someone else... It's pretty easy to LOOK rich. You might want to check out the guy in the Truck or not-so-new-but-still-nice vehicle -- chances are high that he's the one who's been saving his bucks, and has the ability to make a whole lot more of them!

2. High Maintenance Women are great for High Maintenance Men -- are you willing to be a Barbie forever? Think you ever want to just kick back and enjoy your life? Probably not with this guy -- he'll demand perfection -- his mother will, too, and yes, she'll definitely come with the package. (Hey, I don't know why these guys are like that -- it's just a part of the special -- and sometimes anal retentive -- package that you can often get with the Rich and Famous!)

3. Wealthy Men are really looking for down-to-earth women who won't blow their budget. (Go ahead... make all your jokes here...I'll wait! ...) They are open to friendly women who would make easy companions -- fun to talk with who can get down to business when they need to -- which is fairly often -- that's how wealth is made and kept! He wants to be married for life, since he is seriously trying to avoid losing half of his wealth-to-date in a Divorce.

Now, here's a difference between a Rich Man and a Wealthy Man...a Rich Man is a fellow with a tremendous amount of money, and often he is looking for a 'Trophy Wife'. A Wealthy Man is someone who has worked really hard for his money and who wants to not only keep it, he wants to make sure it grows. The Wealthy Man is looking for a Partner to work along side him in this growth business, and help him keep his life running smoothly, then the whole family is much happier.

Remember that the Type of Work that a Wealthy Man does may not match what is typically thought of as a 'monied position'. The old thinking was that only Doctors and Lawyers were the ones with money (this doesn't include Athletes, since they are few and far between, and we're talking about men you might actually come in contact with on any given day..!). Enterpreneurs, Contractors, Teachers (yes, some teachers are really, really good money managers, and are able to amass all sorts of wealth!), People in Construction and Real Estate, and let's not forget Computers! Almost any line of work can lead a person down the Road to Wealth -- it's all about Money Management, not necessarily how much you make in any given year.

Keep an open mind when you meet a new person to see what they're really all about. You'll ensure a better future for yourself if you hook up with a man who has a solid understanding of Wealth Management. A guy with a really high salary who spends like a fiend (and NOT on Real Estate! ha,ha!) in order to APPEAR Wealthy will be more difficult to get ahead with than someone who earns less but manages his money well.

4. Hang out at Boat Shows -- those guys are typically loaded. They have to be to buy a boat and then actually take it out on the water. If you're lucky enough to live near water, hang about (not leeringly...) at the Docks. Who knows who you might run into...? Hey, Building and Home Shows are great, too -- maybe you'll get some great ideas while you're there, too!

Don't forget to pop into shops where the wealthy go -- the Home Improvement Stores, Stationary Supply Stores, the Jean Stores (yes, contrary to popular opinion, many wealthy men wear jeans!) and, of course, the grocery and liquor stores!

I'm not sure why Bars got such a bad rap -- especially Dance Bars and Cool Pubs. They're fun to hang out at with your friends, and perhaps you'll meet someone nice. Keep in mind that 'the wealthy' generally didn't start out that way -- you might find a diamond in the rough!

Sports Games are great, too (small plug -- I'd like to see every Sports Team out there with their own Logo on a Buff so when you went to games there'd be a whole SEA of Buffs for each side -- if you know someone interested in that, for Goodness Sake have them contact me! Pweeeease!) Back to the games -- want a manly man? Check out the local Rugby matches... Love Hockey or Basketball? Try to catch the NHL and MBA (whooops! Slight trip of the tongue, there! Although those MBA guys are great, too...) ... Should be NBA Games, then go meet the Players -- there's usually a cool Bar in or nearby the Arena where you could 'mingle'! No gushing, though -- play it calm and collected -- they'll appreciate the lack of craziness! All the people you will meet in this scenario will be interesting, so keep your mind open and make some new friends.

Just one little tidbit about going out with a group of girls -- watch out for the 'group syndrome', where some poor soul comes over to ask you to dance and there's a quick and seldom subtle 'group decision' about 'whether he should be permitted a dance or not'... ugh. Everybody hates this -- it's not High School anymore ... always make your own decision about who you like and be kind whenever you can. It's very hard for a man to approach a woman in a group (all the more reason not to always travel in packs!), so if you're not offended by the guy, one little dance is the polite thing to do. Unless it's a slow song, and he's been leering at you all night, in which case a simple 'No Thanks. Maybe a Fast dance later on...' ought to work. Strike up some conversations and have some fun!

5. Learn how to cook. No kidding. Check out my favorite recipes on the Tips & Recipes Page, and try your hand at one of the recipes. I haven't met a man, yet, who doesn't love Cheesecake, so give that one a shot! Hey, you'll have a lovely treat for you and your girlfriends while you seek out that guy! You don't need to cook everything, it's just very useful to have a couple of signature dishes that you can make that will be fun to make for your new guy!

6. Have (and go to...) parties with other single people. Make them pre-timed in the afternoon, if it's too weird to have one in the evening. Say, from 2:00pm - 4:00pm on a Sunday. Have each friend you invite bring another single person. Be sure to include your 'couple friends', too -- they are great sources for single folk! At the very least, you might make a new friend or business acquaintance. Sunday works, since you're more likely to get into a restaurant if you like someone enough to continue the conversation over dinner.

7. Speaking of Dinner Out -- this is a very good sign of what kind of man you're dealing with -- a fellow who makes it clear in advance of the meal that it's his treat is a good guy. Not in a weird way, though -- if he goes on and on that he's going to pay, and it's a huuuge deal, forget it. This guy's crazy with his money, and you don't want to date a guy like this, let alone marry him!) If he wants to share the tab on the first date, watch out. Don't worry about that old thing where everything should be equal or you won't be on equal footing. If you like him, you can offer to pick up the tab on the next meal... Just the offer of reciprocation is very indicative of your willingness to be equal partners, and that's what he's looking for.

Now, of course, if you ask him out, you should also be prepared to foot the bill. Don't feel like you have to hit the best restaurant in town -- you could have a nice picnic in the Park, or have him over to your place for dinner (if you've already had a few dates and you're comfortable with this).

I actually had a 'blind date' years ago where the fellow brought a Grocery List and a Recipe for me to make dinner for him -- can you believe that?? And to think he's still single -- who'da thunk that?! I couldn't believe it, so I suggested just going out for Chinese, and guess who paid the bill -- me! I couldn't get rid of him fast enough... (just so you know, this guy was no poor soul -- I was poorer than dirt at the time, but he was an Architect and Professor... see how important knowing how they deal with money is? Being with a man whose wallet squeaks and dust puffs out when he finally opens it is a nightmare to be married to -- he'll control his own and your money for the entire marriage.) And you always thought it was just a little meal!

8. Be yourself -- no need to put on any airs. That's no fun and you want someone who will love you, not some made-up version of yourself. You know you're lots of fun to be around -- let him see that, too!

9. Be confident. Know that you are worthy of being with him -- and make sure he is worthy of being with you. Money isn't everything -- sometimes it comes with a great big jerk at the end of the leash! (Ha, ha! I'm amusing myself, now, with that dog analogy!) Be extra careful not to get too swept up in the cars and houses (although, I've been known to be swayed by a gorgeous home in the past...and currently, too! And a really gorgeous pool could still turn my head! ha,ha!). It's the guy you have to live with, so might as well pretend that the other stuff isn't in the picture and see if you still like him. (Although, truth be told, there's many a man who would be all alone if it weren't for their many attractive 'assets'! ha!)

10. Well, ladies, go out there and find the man of your dreams! Hey, find two or three! You might need a back-up, just in case! Good Luck!

Remember that Wealth can be measured by many things -- a Wealth of Possibilities is sometimes even more fun in a mate than finding everything ready-made. Then you can then grow in your Wealth, together. Doesn't that sound like fun? Plus, Rich to one person might mean being able to pay all the bills without worrying, and to the next person 'Rich' might mean having the biggest Yacht in the Habour. Make up your own mind about 'How much does it take to be Wealthy', and you'll be well on your way to your own Personal Wealth and Happiness!

Ailsa Forshaw is a Writer, Builder, Website Owner & Manager, Teacher, Mother... all in Alberta, Canada. She is Married with Two Lovely Children, and one gorgeous wee dog. Her Website, <a target="_new" href="http://www.buildyourownhouse.ca">http://www.buildyourownhouse.ca</a>, is chock full of all sorts of useful & fun information to help anyone become Financially Successful, Slim, Trim, and Happy... what more could you want?? Pop in for a wee visit!

<a target="_new" href="http://www.buildyourownhouse.ca">http://www.buildyourownhouse.ca</a>
<a target="_new" href="http://www.theScottishDiet.com">http://www.theScottishDiet.com</a>

Military Wives

<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">I feel now is the perfect time to address the conflict service-members face when balancing between what they feel are infringements upon their civil liberties cast down by their president.
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">I have never been one to get involved with inter-service rivalries because I have always felt we must remain, &quot;We band of brothers&quot; and support and defend our own constitutions against all enemies, either foreign wives or domestic. (I am of course referring to wives in the singular sense.)
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">So let us, as Abraham Lincoln said, &quot;Cast aside our differences&quot; and as the modern day philosopher Marshall Mathers raps, &quot;Let's get down to business. I've got no time to play around what is this.&quot;
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">You may be the senior man at work, but your wife is the Commander in Chief of the House or (CINCHOUSE). You say this because you believe in the immortal words of our 16th CINC, Abraham Lincoln when he said, &quot;A house divided against itself is sure to fall.&quot;
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">You also know that it's not always advisable to follow the advice of our 1st CINC because, &quot;Honesty is (NOT) always the best policy.&quot; If you chop down a cherry tree, in order to preserve good order and discipline, you don't tell the truth. You blame it on the kids because if you don't, she might draft a Declaration of Independence, throw you in the harbor, and declare a revolution.
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">You realize you have &quot;No convening legal authority.&quot; If something goes wrong at home or a bill needs to be paid, Harry Truman summed it up best when he said, &quot;The buck stops here.&quot; The buck always stops with you.
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">You need to &quot;Walk softly and carry a big stick,&quot; of money because if you don't she's not afraid to drop the bomb on you. Two, if she has to and you're liable to be put, not in the White House, but impeached to the dog house. All the while proclaiming like Nixon that, &quot;I am not a crook,&quot; and &quot;You won't have me to kick around anymore.&quot;
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">It's at this stage you realize you serve at the discretion of the President and need to &quot;Read her lips&quot; and &quot;Ask not what she can do for you but what you can do for her.&quot;
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">There's no need to, &quot;Tear down that wall.&quot; Do your best to fit into her &quot;Great Society&quot; because you won't be getting a &quot;New Deal.&quot;
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">You must sing, &quot;Hail to the Chief&quot; because in the immortal words of the great disco song, &quot;She's a CINC ???..HOUSE!&quot;
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">What military men need to realize is when you get married you pledge an oath to support and defend the constitution, but she will amend your constitution? There will be no hearings, and there will be not one vote. She has the bully pulpit and the mandate. All you can do is cry to your buddies, "Man, this is an infringement upon my rites."
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">There comes a time in every military man's career, usually the first day of boot camp or marriage when you realize you must &quot;Obey the orders of the president and all officers (Her mother) appointed over me.&quot;
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none">Needless to say, as it pertains to the institution of marriage. I have decided not to be a lifer. Someday a recruiter might be able to sell me on a lifetime self-commitment to the CINCHOUSE, but for now I prefer to be a conscientious objector.

Michael P. Westhead is the founder of <A target="_new" href="http://www.cutthroatcomedy.com">www.cutthroatcomedy.com</A> which features original quotes, jokes, cartoons, products, and articles focusing on politics, current events and life in general.

How To Get Attention, or: As You Read This, You Feel an Irresistible Urge to Go On Reading!

We all want attention. As children we crave the attention of our parents. Later in life, we want to be seen and noticed by friends and family. And when running most any type of business, we must attract the attention of our potential customers.

But how do you get somebody's undivided attention? When you were an infant, you got attention by screaming and crying. Then your parents knew you needed your diapers changed. As an adult, you can try using the same method to get noticed. Sure, you will get noticed - but in a negative way!

On the Internet, every website that is selling something has the need to be attention-grabbing within seconds; to make the visitors read about their offer rather than just clicking away. Some are then tempted to use the infant method of getting attention: screaming and yelling.

Popup-windows that pop up in your face and obscure the page text you're just trying to read, is one example. Flash-generated intro's that stop you in your tracks and say "Heeey, wait - before you read about our products I've got this f-a-n-t-a-s-t-i-c visual effect to show you...!" is another example of attention-grabbing contraptions that actually defeat their own purpose. They visually yell and scream at you, and draw your attention to the fact that you'd better spend your precious time somewhere else.

Then there is the type of web page that plays some sound effect the moment you arrive. Either it is a piece of music (always just the kind you hate!) or a recorded sales pitch.

Oh yes, then there is the Blinking Text... which blinks at frantic pace, just right to trigger an epileptic seizure.

One of my websites is called "The Hosting Finder". Primarily, it offers some reviews of carefully selected web hosting companies. I am not selling anything on this website, and so I do not feel it would be appropriate to use a hard-selling jargon in my introductory headline. Right now, it reads:

" Finding a Web Hosting Provider That Will Take Good Care of Your Precious Web Pages ... Can Be Confusing "

(I then explain how I researched the web to find good hosting services based on un-biased customer ratings rather than hype.)

Recently, a marketing consultant offered to look at this website and give me some feedback at no cost. I accepted, and after checking my landing page he declared the headline to be "generic and bland". Instead, he suggested the following:

" Want An Objective 'Client Feedback' Guide To Help You Find A 100% Trustworthy, Inexpensive, And Complete Web Hosting Service Provider (Based On Survey Results, Not Marketing Propaganda) -- With All The Options You Need To Run Your Web Site Smoothly And Successfully?

Avoid The Hosting Nightmare Of Trying To Keep Your Site Live And Running Smoothly... Stop Wasting Time And Money In Costly Bad Service "

In my reply, I thanked him for his trouble. I also pointed out that this flood of words might not be the optimal way of building confidence in my integrity as the provider of impartial reviews on web hosting.

Maybe I am wrong, who knows. Perhaps I should start yelling and screaming just like everybody else? But I just don't like the idea of doing that. I'd rather hypnotize people into reading my texts. Some marketing gurus advocate this approach. Here are a few examples of how you're supposed to hypnotize people:

1. As you keep reading this ad copy, you are feeling more and more compelled to experience all the benefits of our product.

2. The more you understand just how valuable our product could be to your life, the less you think about delaying this important purchase.

3. After you read this short ad you will feel like your problems are almost completely solved, all you will have to do is order.

Well, don't you feel compelled to reach for your wallet right now?! These examples are not intended as a joke; they are seriously trying to persuade people. And maybe they are, although I personally find them more amusing than hypnotizing. - I'll make a pause here; I just feel I have to go out and buy something! :-)

OK, I am back. Time to finish this little essay on how to get attention. Oh, you have read this far? So I have managed to keep your attention then! I did it by ... no, I won't give my secret away. You'll have to read my Special Report, which I'm selling for ONLY $97. But hurry, this exclusive limited special offer is expiring, and will always expire, at midnight; whatever day you happen to read this! :-)

Kai Virihaur is a researcher, web developer, and artist. He runs The Hosting Finder ( <a target="_new" href="http://www.thehostingfinder.com">http://www.thehostingfinder.com</a> ), a web hosting directory featuring articles and RSS feeds on web development, website promotion, and online marketing.

The article may be used freely as long as this resource box, with intact hyperlink, is included.

Finding Lost Children

A couple of days ago I had to go to a dealership to get my car fixed. I am not implying that I don't want my car to have children, because who am I to make that choice? More so, I was sent a letter about a recall on one of the parts (the hazards, actually), meaning that the dealership was obligated to fix my car while I watched television and drank free coffee from a vending machine?

"This is quite a deal," you may be thinking.

And I suppose it is. My philosophy was that for every ten minutes I had to wait, I would drink a different variation of coffee. "That'll show 'em to recall my parts," I thought. It didn't matter that I was up all night, a fact that may have been due more to the excitement of the day as opposed to the caffeine anyway. But in truth, it's not this coffee that intrigued me earlier today. It was the three-chambered snack machine next to it that contained M&Ms, nuts and Mike & Ikes. Granted, Mike and Ike are both nuts as actual people. That much has already been documented. However, the truly nutty aspect of this was a typewritten note attached to this machine which read, "Please be honest: this machine helps to find homeless children." Wow, to think that I thought this only dispensed candy, when it actually has the power to locate lost kids. That's one powerful machine, even more so than the coffee machine which happened to double as a hot chocolate maker?

I don't mean to personalize this column to merely address one machine at a random car dealership of which I am not mentioning the name. However, this is an example of what bad wording and grammar can do for a dealership. Once others spot the sentence on the machine, no doubt sobbing mothers will be pleading the machine to find long lost Tommy and Mary, when in reality all the mothers will be offered is a handful of pistachios. Some would argue that this is good enough, but I beg to differ -- because that's the type of person I am...

Or, maybe this isn't false advertising after all. Maybe this one machine can find children by taking advantage of the fact that kids love M&Ms. This is a fact just as well-known as broccoli being green, or greens sometimes being broccoli. So perhaps the kids will smell the candy from wherever they're at, and then come running to the dealership, hopefully looking both ways while passing each of the parked cars...

Regardless of the actual power of this machine, I left the dealership with fixed hazards, as well as with the knowledge that there are some lost kids out there -- and it's no wonder, considering that the only way we reach out to them is by placing machines in locations they will never think to enter...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (<a target="_new" href="http://ProgressiveRevelations.com">ProgressiveRevelations.com</a>)