allergies: ตุลาคม 2008

วันศุกร์ที่ 31 ตุลาคม พ.ศ. 2551

How To Marry A Wealthy Guy

How To Marry A Wealthy Guy (or Girl... Or at least Make Sure they're a Good Money Manager!! ha,ha!) Here are some little tips so you can at least spot a wealthy (or soon-to-be-wealthy) guy: 1. If that BMW he's driving is most likely leased, you may be looking at a guy who owes a whole lot of money to someone else... It's pretty easy to LOOK rich. You might want to check out the guy in the Truck or not-so-new-but-still-nice vehicle -- chances are high that he's the one who's been saving his bucks, and has the ability to make a whole lot more of them! 2. High Maintenance Women are great for High Maintenance Men -- are you willing to be a Barbie forever? Think you ever want to just kick back and enjoy your life? Probably not with this guy -- he'll demand perfection -- his mother will, too, and yes, she'll definitely come with the package. (Hey, I don't know why these guys are like that -- it's just a part of the special -- and sometimes anal retentive -- package that you can often get with the Rich and Famous!) 3. Wealthy Men are really looking for down-to-earth women who won't blow their budget. (Go ahead... make all your jokes here...I'll wait! ...) They are open to friendly women who would make easy companions -- fun to talk with who can get down to business when they need to -- which is fairly often -- that's how wealth is made and kept! He wants to be married for life, since he is seriously trying to avoid losing half of his wealth-to-date in a Divorce. Now, here's a difference between a Rich Man and a Wealthy Man...a Rich Man is a fellow with a tremendous amount of money, and often he is looking for a 'Trophy Wife'. A Wealthy Man is someone who has worked really hard for his money and who wants to not only keep it, he wants to make sure it grows. The Wealthy Man is looking for a Partner to work along side him in this growth business, and help him keep his life running smoothly, then the whole family is much happier. Remember that the Type of Work that a Wealthy Man does may not match what is typically thought of as a 'monied position'. The old thinking was that only Doctors and Lawyers were the ones with money (this doesn't include Athletes, since they are few and far between, and we're talking about men you might actually come in contact with on any given day..!). Enterpreneurs, Contractors, Teachers (yes, some teachers are really, really good money managers, and are able to amass all sorts of wealth!), People in Construction and Real Estate, and let's not forget Computers! Almost any line of work can lead a person down the Road to Wealth -- it's all about Money Management, not necessarily how much you make in any given year. Keep an open mind when you meet a new person to see what they're really all about. You'll ensure a better future for yourself if you hook up with a man who has a solid understanding of Wealth Management. A guy with a really high salary who spends like a fiend (and NOT on Real Estate! ha,ha!) in order to APPEAR Wealthy will be more difficult to get ahead with than someone who earns less but manages his money well. 4. Hang out at Boat Shows -- those guys are typically loaded. They have to be to buy a boat and then actually take it out on the water. If you're lucky enough to live near water, hang about (not leeringly...) at the Docks. Who knows who you might run into...? Hey, Building and Home Shows are great, too -- maybe you'll get some great ideas while you're there, too! Don't forget to pop into shops where the wealthy go -- the Home Improvement Stores, Stationary Supply Stores, the Jean Stores (yes, contrary to popular opinion, many wealthy men wear jeans!) and, of course, the grocery and liquor stores! I'm not sure why Bars got such a bad rap -- especially Dance Bars and Cool Pubs. They're fun to hang out at with your friends, and perhaps you'll meet someone nice. Keep in mind that 'the wealthy' generally didn't start out that way -- you might find a diamond in the rough! Sports Games are great, too (small plug -- I'd like to see every Sports Team out there with their own Logo on a Buff so when you went to games there'd be a whole SEA of Buffs for each side -- if you know someone interested in that, for Goodness Sake have them contact me! Pweeeease!) Back to the games -- want a manly man? Check out the local Rugby matches... Love Hockey or Basketball? Try to catch the NHL and MBA (whooops! Slight trip of the tongue, there! Although those MBA guys are great, too...) ... Should be NBA Games, then go meet the Players -- there's usually a cool Bar in or nearby the Arena where you could 'mingle'! No gushing, though -- play it calm and collected -- they'll appreciate the lack of craziness! All the people you will meet in this scenario will be interesting, so keep your mind open and make some new friends. Just one little tidbit about going out with a group of girls -- watch out for the 'group syndrome', where some poor soul comes over to ask you to dance and there's a quick and seldom subtle 'group decision' about 'whether he should be permitted a dance or not'... ugh. Everybody hates this -- it's not High School anymore ... always make your own decision about who you like and be kind whenever you can. It's very hard for a man to approach a woman in a group (all the more reason not to always travel in packs!), so if you're not offended by the guy, one little dance is the polite thing to do. Unless it's a slow song, and he's been leering at you all night, in which case a simple 'No Thanks. Maybe a Fast dance later on...' ought to work. Strike up some conversations and have some fun! 5. Learn how to cook. No kidding. Check out my favorite recipes on the Tips & Recipes Page, and try your hand at one of the recipes. I haven't met a man, yet, who doesn't love Cheesecake, so give that one a shot! Hey, you'll have a lovely treat for you and your girlfriends while you seek out that guy! You don't need to cook everything, it's just very useful to have a couple of signature dishes that you can make that will be fun to make for your new guy! 6. Have (and go to...) parties with other single people. Make them pre-timed in the afternoon, if it's too weird to have one in the evening. Say, from 2:00pm - 4:00pm on a Sunday. Have each friend you invite bring another single person. Be sure to include your 'couple friends', too -- they are great sources for single folk! At the very least, you might make a new friend or business acquaintance. Sunday works, since you're more likely to get into a restaurant if you like someone enough to continue the conversation over dinner. 7. Speaking of Dinner Out -- this is a very good sign of what kind of man you're dealing with -- a fellow who makes it clear in advance of the meal that it's his treat is a good guy. Not in a weird way, though -- if he goes on and on that he's going to pay, and it's a huuuge deal, forget it. This guy's crazy with his money, and you don't want to date a guy like this, let alone marry him!) If he wants to share the tab on the first date, watch out. Don't worry about that old thing where everything should be equal or you won't be on equal footing. If you like him, you can offer to pick up the tab on the next meal... Just the offer of reciprocation is very indicative of your willingness to be equal partners, and that's what he's looking for. Now, of course, if you ask him out, you should also be prepared to foot the bill. Don't feel like you have to hit the best restaurant in town -- you could have a nice picnic in the Park, or have him over to your place for dinner (if you've already had a few dates and you're comfortable with this). I actually had a 'blind date' years ago where the fellow brought a Grocery List and a Recipe for me to make dinner for him -- can you believe that?? And to think he's still single -- who'da thunk that?! I couldn't believe it, so I suggested just going out for Chinese, and guess who paid the bill -- me! I couldn't get rid of him fast enough... (just so you know, this guy was no poor soul -- I was poorer than dirt at the time, but he was an Architect and Professor... see how important knowing how they deal with money is? Being with a man whose wallet squeaks and dust puffs out when he finally opens it is a nightmare to be married to -- he'll control his own and your money for the entire marriage.) And you always thought it was just a little meal! 8. Be yourself -- no need to put on any airs. That's no fun and you want someone who will love you, not some made-up version of yourself. You know you're lots of fun to be around -- let him see that, too! 9. Be confident. Know that you are worthy of being with him -- and make sure he is worthy of being with you. Money isn't everything -- sometimes it comes with a great big jerk at the end of the leash! (Ha, ha! I'm amusing myself, now, with that dog analogy!) Be extra careful not to get too swept up in the cars and houses (although, I've been known to be swayed by a gorgeous home in the past...and currently, too! And a really gorgeous pool could still turn my head! ha,ha!). It's the guy you have to live with, so might as well pretend that the other stuff isn't in the picture and see if you still like him. (Although, truth be told, there's many a man who would be all alone if it weren't for their many attractive 'assets'! ha!) 10. Well, ladies, go out there and find the man of your dreams! Hey, find two or three! You might need a back-up, just in case! Good Luck! Remember that Wealth can be measured by many things -- a Wealth of Possibilities is sometimes even more fun in a mate than finding everything ready-made. Then you can then grow in your Wealth, together. Doesn't that sound like fun? Plus, Rich to one person might mean being able to pay all the bills without worrying, and to the next person 'Rich' might mean having the biggest Yacht in the Habour. Make up your own mind about 'How much does it take to be Wealthy', and you'll be well on your way to your own Personal Wealth and Happiness! Ailsa Forshaw is a Writer, Builder, Website Owner & Manager, Teacher, Mother... all in Alberta, Canada. She is Married with Two Lovely Children, and one gorgeous wee dog. Her Website, <a target="_new" href="http://www.buildyourownhouse.ca">http://www.buildyourownhouse.ca</a>, is chock full of all sorts of useful & fun information to help anyone become Financially Successful, Slim, Trim, and Happy... what more could you want?? Pop in for a wee visit! <a target="_new" href="http://www.buildyourownhouse.ca">http://www.buildyourownhouse.ca</a> <a target="_new" href="http://www.theScottishDiet.com">http://www.theScottishDiet.com</a>

Maybelle Misfire Joins Mega Corp

To: Maybelle Misfire From: I. M.. Power, VP Welcome aboard! Delighted you have accepted a position as planning analyst with Mega Corp. See you in September, as they say. To: Maybelle Misfire From: Nefarious Airlines We are sorry to learn that Fluffy feels humiliated if her cat carrier is marked "Excess Baggage." Please remember that, in proportion to her size, Fluffy has more room in her carrier than our first class passengers enjoy in their recliner seats. Anyway, your cats are well known in the airline world. We had to override the Hazardous Cargo Alert to allow Fluffy on board in any capacity. To: Maybelle Misfire From: Mega Corp Human Resources We're delighted to learn that you will be joining us for your extended leave. To move your household goods, we contracted with Organization Movers, The owner, Frankie Felon, got his start dealing questionable substances at networking parties in his MBA program. Frankie's lawyer, Big Tony, assures us Frankie has reformed. To Organization Moving From: Maybelle Misfire I've always wanted to develop an ad campaign on the topic, Life without Furniture (not to mention clothing, dishes or sheets), and I am deeply grateful to your company for giving me an opportunity to experience this condition while my possessions remain lost somewhere near Delaware. Since both my origin and destination are both west of the Mississippi, I'm glad my furniture will get to see something of the East Coast, even if I don't. However, my data collection is now approaching redundancy and I am ready to sleep in my own bed again. To: Maybelle Misfire From: Organization Moving We can authorize temporary accommodations until your furniture arrives, but we cannot force any hotel on the planet to accept Fluffy, Tabby and Furball as guests. Nor can we authorize restaurant meals for felines. We are sure Fluffy will recover from the trauma of eating off a paper plate on the floor. Alas, we don't have a Feline Therapy Unit, but Big Tony has offered to devote some quality one-on-one time to Fluffy's morale problem. To: Customer Service, Organization Moving Corp. From: Central Dispatch, Organization Moving Corp. Who hired Driver Tom in the first place? When the Highway Patrol asks about funny-looking plants, our drivers are supposed to declare them as household geraniums, slightly wilted from travel trauma. They are not supposed to say, "Gee, I dunno, but it sure looks like something from the sixties, don't it?" After the entire van had been unloaded and inspected at the Oklahoma border, and all the dust analyzed, Tom just started driving east and didn't stop till he saw the ocean. It's up to the PR suits to tell Maybelle Misfire what happened to her stuff. To: Maybelle Misfire From: Customer Service, Organization Moving We are genuinely sorry about the delay associated with delivery of your household goods. Believe me, our founders know all about life on the run. We believe you will understand when we tell you that Driver Tom, one of our most experienced and dedicated professionals, halted his truck when he spied a cat caught in a tree on a freezing cold day. (OK, it was August, but he was in the mountains.) Fortunately, ladders are standard equipment for Organization Movers. Driver Tom climbed the tree, rescued the cat and held its paw during surgery at the local veterinary hospital. After getting medical treatment for his own scratches, Tom climbed right back in his truck--but not before making sure that the cat would have a loving home with the veterinarian's assistant. We're sure you would have done the same. To: Maybelle Misfire From: I. M. Power, VP Welcome to your new job. For your first project, we want you to analyze the customer service of our newest client -- our own Organization Movers. Seems like they have a PR problem. Should be easy to fix. On the other hand, you may have trouble getting primary data. Customers who complain tend to have forwarding addresses like, "Lost Gulch, New Mexico." If you like feline humor, you may enjoy my ebook, Maybelle Lives! and my advice to cats who move. For serious advice about moving with cats, consult my trade book, Making the Big Move. About The Author Cathy Goodwin, Ph.D., is an author, speaker and career/business consultant, helping midlife professionals take their First step to a Second Career. <a href="http://www.cathygoodwin.com" target="_new">http://www.cathygoodwin.com</a>. "Ten secrets of mastering a major life change" <a href="mailto:subscribe@cathygoodwin.com" target="_new">mailto:subscribe@cathygoodwin.com</a> Contact: <a href="mailto:cathy@cathygoodwin.com">cathy@cathygoodwin.com</a> 505-534-4294

Poor Rixs Almanac 8-13-05

Dear Poor Rix: A guy just invited me to a football game. I do not understand this event. Can you explain it? -- Sport Watcher This game begins with the entrance of referees, people with striped shirts who enforce the rules. Occasionally, someone with striped shirt and long stick may appear, and wander aimlessly. He is a "lost golfer," and must be removed. Next come the cheerleaders, who bounce onto the field, often displaying skimpy uniforms and bare midriffs. And those are just the guys. The girls look even better, and may wave their massive pom-poms to excite the crowd. (We'll discuss pom-poms another time.) Then comes the team "mascot," often a farm animal, or a human dressed like one. Mascot uniforms are sometimes very silly, and not appropriate wearing apparel for, say, a wedding. Next come two teams that wear different colors, plus a helmet to hide their identities from the opponents they'll tackle later. For the next three hours each squad tries to go from one end of the field to the other. Pay attention to the quarterback, who controls the football. Sometimes he throws it to a teammate (a "pass"). Sometimes he hands it to somebody (a "handoff"). And occasionally he may tiptoe to the sidelines, and give some cheerleader a big, wet kiss. This is called the "quarterback sneak." There's more to tell, Sport Watcher, but I gotta go. On TV, they're about to show a "quarterback sneak" instant replay. Poor Rix offers bad answers to good questions. Contact him at rixquinn@charter.net. Rix authored the recent writing book "Words That Stick." It's available from <a target="_new" href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1580085768/qid/">http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1580085768/qid/</a> For details on his weekly column, call him directly at 817-920-7999.

วันพฤหัสบดีที่ 30 ตุลาคม พ.ศ. 2551

The Jokes On You -- Who Should be the Butt of Your Jokes?

This article was prompted by something I heard (second hand) about the performance of a local magician at a child's birthday party. Now, granted, this wasn't done by a clown, but I've seen clowns doing similar things. As one of his tricks, he has a child (a young girl approximately 9 years old) holding two handkerchiefs knotted together. He pulls her hands apart, and instead of a third handkerchief appearing (or a flag, or whatever else) he has a pair of ladies' panties appear. The magician received the reaction he wanted: the audience laughed loud and long at the discomfiture of the young girl. She, however, was on the verge of tears, having been publicly humiliated, for having done nothing more than helping on stage when asked. As I say, this prompted some thought on my part. The first thought I honestly had was about the insensitivity of this particular magician. My next thought was empathy and sympathy for the little girl. And my third thought was about how differently a clown would (or should) have handled that entire routine. People think that a clown is someone who dresses foolishly, and does foolish things. This is correct, as far as it goes. It's also been said that a clown is a living cartoon, a Looney Tunes come to life, who sees and thinks differently than the 'normal' people. This, too, is true as far as it goes. But there's something deeper about being a clown. As Floyd Schaffer puts it in his wonderful book, "If I Were a Clown", a clown is someone who lowers himself, in order to lift someone else up. This is not limited to any sort of theological context. David Ginn, one of my favorite authors, and a wonderful kid's magician, uses the same premise over and over in his book "Clown Magic" with his 'clown-in-trouble' routine. In short, when a trick doesn't work, it's never the fault of the child -- it's the clown who looks foolish. The child is the one who makes the rabbit appear, makes the ropes repair themselves, etc. We performers are the foolish ones, who should have pie in our faces, who are the ones humiliated, who are 'brought low.' It is our audience, children or adult, who should be empowered, triumphant, lifted up. For example, when I perform at birthday parties, I'll typically do a very old routine, making spring flowers appear inside a chick pan. As part of that, I'll have several assistants from the audience at various stage, including one where I use a breakaway wand. For the uninitiated, that's a wand that, unless it's held the proper way, seemingly breaks in your hand. Since we performers are the ones who should bear the blame for this, I take the blame myself, handing a normal wand to the child, and holding the breaking wand myself. Who broke the prop? Me! Who looks foolish? Me, not the volunteer. He's there to enjoy the birthday party, not to be a scapegoat. In short, if only that magician had pulled the 'underwear out of thin air' when he was holding the scarfs, what would have been different? The child volunteer would have laughed as well (assuming that he'd previously had the trick work in her hands), the audience would have laughed as well, and the magician would have been remembered a little bit fonder than he was. As Benjamin Franklin said, we have to learn from the mistakes of others; we won't live long enough to make them all ourselves. So, let's learn to make ourselves the butt of the joke, not our audience. After all, we're being paid to be foolish; the audience's job is to enjoy it. Remember, the joke's on you -- as it should be. Tom Raymond, aka. Raynbow the magic clown, is a professional clown and underempoyed computer geek, who runs the world's largest clowning web site, <a target="_new" href="http://www.clown-ministry.com/">http://www.clown-ministry.com/</a> His personal site can be found at <a target="_new" href="http://www.clown-ministry.com/raynbow/">http://www.clown-ministry.com/raynbow/</a> Tom is available for both secular and sacred events, and is available for conferences, conventions and ministry events.

When It Rains, It Pours: Creating a Plan

It's time for me to announce that I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. I keep them there to stop people from stealing my jackets. Some of the skeletons actually wear the jackets so they don't get cold. That may seem strange to people, but never has a skeleton complained to me... "And what if?" you may be thinking. "What if what?" I may be thinking back to you. "What if a skeleton complained?" you may clarify. Obviously if that were the case, then I'd use my skeleton key to lock the door. There's nothing I hate more than cold or numb skulls complaining to me about the temperature... Let the truth be known, though, that it is that time of year when the weather can be bad. Like, raining cats and dogs type of bad, but add hamsters and wind to it -- along with a sun that is so strong, it could fry ants with the help of a magnifying glass. A lot of people complain about rain, but they need to put things into perspective and imagine how much worse it'd be if that rain were snot instead. Or maybe tons o' snot, which would be horrifying and a palindrome at the same time... If this snotfall ever occurs, we need to establish a plan. Since no one else has volunteered, let me be the first: Plan A: Cover trees with tissues to absorb a lot of the damage. Plan B: The same as Plan A except without the tissues. Plan C: Wait until the next Harry Potter book comes out, and then let the people in line cast spells to eliminate the problem. Plan D: Wait until the next spelling bee, and let the contestants spell "cast" to eliminate the problem. It may seem like my plan will not contribute to eliminating a major disaster, but it is important that my help ends there. From this point on, all plans will be organized by my skeleton. Make no bones about it... But I digress. Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (<a target="_new" href="http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com">http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com</a>)

วันพุธที่ 29 ตุลาคม พ.ศ. 2551

I Got to Play an April Fools Joke Before I was Born

I will start this by saying that yes, I did miss being an April Fool, but only by a tiny margin. I was born just twenty minutes after midnight on April 2nd, and the events of the prior day in my home were quite interesting to say the least. To get the full story I must go back and remind everyone what medical tests were like in the 1970's, they were improving, but still far from the reliability, and accuracy that we take for granted today. There were already four children in the house, the oldest a boy, who was seventeen, and the youngest a girl age nine. Two of them from my father's first marriage, and two from one of my mother's previous marriages. I would be the second try for them to have a child in common. The first resulted in a miscarriage when my mother was just three months along. Since she'd already lost one child, the doctors were watching my mother closely to try to prevent this from happening again, thus they ran every test they had available at the time. My parents were told nothing but good news, there was no reason this baby wouldn't carry to term. To top if off, they said it was a boy and the due date was April 8th. Both of my parents were jubilant and all four kids were excited about gaining a new little brother. They quickly chose to name me after my grandfather, George. Now, we fast forward to April 1st, as my mother's due date is nearing. My parents were planning to attend a function at a local club where my father was a member. Before leaving, they decided they had the perfect opportunity to play an April Fool's joke on the kids, they would pretend my mother was in labor and they were really leaving to go to the hospital. The kids had heard them talking about the evening out in previous days so they weren't falling for it, they told them that they knew perfectly well it was April Fool's day and the baby wasn't even due yet. Trying to keep up the game, my mother still pretended to be having contractions, and they got in the car, and left the house. Then suddenly a big surprise did hit! My mother's water broke in the car on the way to town and my dad had to turn tail and race for the hospital. After getting my mother checked into the maternity ward, he tried calling the kids to let them know what had really happened. At this point, their brilliant April Fool's trick totally backfired. The kids still refused to believe him, they told him to go back to dinner and stop trying to fool them. My mother labored through the night and finally, I entered the world at twenty minutes past midnight on April 2nd. Here came another surprise, their chosen name of George wasn't going to work, I was a girl. They hadn't even pondered a girl's name since they were so sure the baby was going to be a boy, but that is a tale for another time. Once again, my father tried to call home and let the kids know about their new baby sister, but they still refused to believe him. They told him it was almost one in the morning, so April Fool's day was over, and on top of that, they knew the baby was going to be a boy, not a girl. They all said goodnight to him, hung up the phone and went back to bed. Realizing how badly their attempted joke had backfired, my father had to drive home, roust them all out of bed, grumbling and tired at two in the morning. Then he drove them all to the hospital so he could prove to them that it wasn't still an April Fool's joke. Needless to say, the story of my birth and this April Fool's trick was told many times in my family as I was growing up, and to this day my Dad says it was the best April Fool's joke he ever thought up. Verleen Wonderly is a published, freelance writer and has worked for the website <a target="_new" href="http://www.dealofday.com">http://www.dealofday.com</a> since it's inception in 1999.

How To Get Attention, or: As You Read This, You Feel an Irresistible Urge to Go On Reading!

We all want attention. As children we crave the attention of our parents. Later in life, we want to be seen and noticed by friends and family. And when running most any type of business, we must attract the attention of our potential customers. But how do you get somebody's undivided attention? When you were an infant, you got attention by screaming and crying. Then your parents knew you needed your diapers changed. As an adult, you can try using the same method to get noticed. Sure, you will get noticed - but in a negative way! On the Internet, every website that is selling something has the need to be attention-grabbing within seconds; to make the visitors read about their offer rather than just clicking away. Some are then tempted to use the infant method of getting attention: screaming and yelling. Popup-windows that pop up in your face and obscure the page text you're just trying to read, is one example. Flash-generated intro's that stop you in your tracks and say "Heeey, wait - before you read about our products I've got this f-a-n-t-a-s-t-i-c visual effect to show you...!" is another example of attention-grabbing contraptions that actually defeat their own purpose. They visually yell and scream at you, and draw your attention to the fact that you'd better spend your precious time somewhere else. Then there is the type of web page that plays some sound effect the moment you arrive. Either it is a piece of music (always just the kind you hate!) or a recorded sales pitch. Oh yes, then there is the Blinking Text... which blinks at frantic pace, just right to trigger an epileptic seizure. One of my websites is called "The Hosting Finder". Primarily, it offers some reviews of carefully selected web hosting companies. I am not selling anything on this website, and so I do not feel it would be appropriate to use a hard-selling jargon in my introductory headline. Right now, it reads: " Finding a Web Hosting Provider That Will Take Good Care of Your Precious Web Pages ... Can Be Confusing " (I then explain how I researched the web to find good hosting services based on un-biased customer ratings rather than hype.) Recently, a marketing consultant offered to look at this website and give me some feedback at no cost. I accepted, and after checking my landing page he declared the headline to be "generic and bland". Instead, he suggested the following: " Want An Objective 'Client Feedback' Guide To Help You Find A 100% Trustworthy, Inexpensive, And Complete Web Hosting Service Provider (Based On Survey Results, Not Marketing Propaganda) -- With All The Options You Need To Run Your Web Site Smoothly And Successfully? Avoid The Hosting Nightmare Of Trying To Keep Your Site Live And Running Smoothly... Stop Wasting Time And Money In Costly Bad Service " In my reply, I thanked him for his trouble. I also pointed out that this flood of words might not be the optimal way of building confidence in my integrity as the provider of impartial reviews on web hosting. Maybe I am wrong, who knows. Perhaps I should start yelling and screaming just like everybody else? But I just don't like the idea of doing that. I'd rather hypnotize people into reading my texts. Some marketing gurus advocate this approach. Here are a few examples of how you're supposed to hypnotize people: 1. As you keep reading this ad copy, you are feeling more and more compelled to experience all the benefits of our product. 2. The more you understand just how valuable our product could be to your life, the less you think about delaying this important purchase. 3. After you read this short ad you will feel like your problems are almost completely solved, all you will have to do is order. Well, don't you feel compelled to reach for your wallet right now?! These examples are not intended as a joke; they are seriously trying to persuade people. And maybe they are, although I personally find them more amusing than hypnotizing. - I'll make a pause here; I just feel I have to go out and buy something! :-) OK, I am back. Time to finish this little essay on how to get attention. Oh, you have read this far? So I have managed to keep your attention then! I did it by ... no, I won't give my secret away. You'll have to read my Special Report, which I'm selling for ONLY $97. But hurry, this exclusive limited special offer is expiring, and will always expire, at midnight; whatever day you happen to read this! :-) Kai Virihaur is a researcher, web developer, and artist. He runs The Hosting Finder ( <a target="_new" href="http://www.thehostingfinder.com">http://www.thehostingfinder.com</a> ), a web hosting directory featuring articles and RSS feeds on web development, website promotion, and online marketing. The article may be used freely as long as this resource box, with intact hyperlink, is included.

Norm Goldman Interviews Comedienne Fran Capo,the Guinness Book Worlds Record for the Fastest Talking

Today, Norm Goldman, Editor of Sketchandtravel & Bookpleasures is delighted to have as a guest, Fran Capo. Fran is quite a "cool person," as she is an eight-time author, humorist, voiceover artist, comedienne, adventurer, actress, freelance writer and keynote motivational speaker. She also holds the Guinness Book Worlds Record for the Fastest Talking Female. Recently, Fran accomplished another amazing feat as the first and only author to ever do a book signing on the top of Mount Kilimanjaro in Africa with the release of her book "Adrenaline Adventures: Dream it, Read it, Do it!" Good day Fran and thank you for agreeing to participate in our interview for Sketchandtravel.com and Bookpleasures.com. Norm: Could you tell our audience something about yourself and how you became involved in your various occupations? Fran: Sure Norm, first let me say its great to be here, and I thank you for having me on as a guest. Since you mentioned a bunch of the things I did up front, I guess I'll start with how I became a stand up comic, as this was my first entry into the entertainment world. In school I was known for my sense of humor and some of my classmates suggested a career as a stand-up comic. This had me thinking as to how life would be as a stand-up comic, and I started to watch comics on TV, comedy clubs, listening to comedy albums, etc. I said to myself, I could do this. I asked God to give me the right sign if I should do comedy. Two occurrences happened that were my go ahead signs. One, when someone turned around in a movie lineup and complimented me on my sense of humor, after hearing me crack jokes to my friends. He suggested I audition for the Comic Strip. Another happened at a car convention, where a fortune- teller analyzed my handwriting and told me I had a good sense of humor and use it to make money. I eventually did audition at a club called Creighton and Gray's Comedy Room that was very near my home, with material given to me by my friend Barry, who was in my acting class at the time. This was my first success as a stand up comedienne and I received a standing ovation as well as $10. I was a mini-local celebrity, with rave press reviews. I spent the next 15 years of my career figuring out ways to get in print, on radio and television. Norm: What is this about- the holding of the "Guinness Book Worlds Record for the Fastest Talking Female?" Fran: Well the stand-up comedy gig lead to my fast-talking by accident. My philosophy is just always say yes and figure it out after how I am going to do something. My stand up landed me a job doing weather and traffic at a radio station WBLS-FM in New York. I was doing it as this comedy character June East (Mae West's long-lost sister). One day, Dinah Prince, a reporter from the Daily News called and said she wanted to do an article on me. When she had finished interviewing me for the article, she asked-What are you planning to do next? Next? Well at the time there was nothing I was planning on doing next, so I asked her what she meant, stalling for time. She said she really wanted to follow my career. Here was a woman from The Daily News telling me she was interested in me! So I thought I'd better tell her something. What came out was, "I'm thinking about breaking the Guinness Book of World Records for the Fastest Talking Female." The newspaper article came out the next day, and she included my parting remarks about trying to break the world's Fastest-Talking Female record. At about 5:00 P.M. that afternoon, I received a call from CNN asking me to go on the Larry King Live Show. They wanted me to try to break the record. They told me they would send a limo to pick me up at 8:00. That was only three hours. Talk about pressure! I had never heard of Larry King Live, and when I heard the woman say she was from a Manhattan Channel, I thought, "Hmmm that's a porn channel, right?" She patiently assured me that it was a respectable national television show and that this was a one-time offer and opportunity - it was either that night or not at all. I managed to find a replacement for a gig I had in New Jersey. I next sat down to figure out what on earth I was going to do on the show. I called Guinness to find out what the rules were to break a fast-talking record. They told me I would have to recite something from either Shakespeare or the Bible. Suddenly, I started saying the ninety-first Psalm, a prayer for protection that my mom had taught me. Shakespeare and I had never really gotten along, so I figured the Bible was my only hope. I practiced over and over again, timing myself with a stop- watch to see how fast I could do it. I was both nervous and excited at the same time. At 8:00, the limousine picked me up. I practiced the entire way there, and by the time I reached the New York studio I felt as if my tongue was going to fall off. I asked the producer, "What happens if I don't break the record?' She replied, "Larry doesn't care if you break it or not. He just cares that you try it on his show first." So I asked myself, What's the worst thing that can happen? I'd look like a fool on national television! A minor thing, I could live through that. Then I asked myself , And what happens if I break the record?" Now that would be great. I decided just to give it my best shot, and I did. I broke the record, becoming the World's Fastest Talking Female by speaking 585 words in one minute in front of a national television audience. (I broke it again two years later at the Guinness Museum in Vegas with 603 words per minute.) My career took off. Norm: Why did you want to have a book signing on Mount Kilimanjaro, and could you describe to us a little about your experience, particularly your voyage up to its summit, and how did you plan for it? Were you ever afraid? Fran: Again, it goes back to my basic philosophy's?of seize the day?and just going after things with a passion. I was actually researching a chapter in my book Adrenaline Adventures: Dream it, Read it, Do it. I read that an 83- year old women climbed Kilimanjaro. So I figured if she could do it, so could I. I enlisted my son, Spencer into the effort, contacted a top outfit, CorbetBishopsafaris.com in Africa (the same guy that lead the IMAX movie team up the mountain.) Then I figured if I was going to train, climb and do this feat, I might as well make it memorable at the top. So I decided to do a book signing up there, I managed to get two sponsors, my publisher Authorhouse and Snickers Marathon Energy Bars. It took us 7 days to summit, going through 5 climate zones. The night of summit we were woken up at 11 PM, it was unseasonably cold. Minus 15 degrees and 45 mph winds, our camelbacks froze, and you felt like sleeping while standing up. It took us 18 hours to get up over and down to camp. It was the hardest thing I've ever done (and this is coming from someone who has run the marathon, flown combat aircraft, rode a bike non stop for 100 miles, driven race car, dove with sharks etc?(all of which are talked about in Adrenaline Adventures of course.) But after Spencer and I climbed it was such a feeling of accomplishment. Plus I had wanted to do it now, since global warming will melt the ice caps by 2015 if not sooner. The picture of me doing the book signing circulated around the world, and it led to Brian Day O'Conner (Supreme Court justice Sandra Day O'Conner's son) contacting me. I am now raising sponsorship money to go down in a two-person submersible to the Titanic with Mr. O'Conner. My publisher, Authorhouse, Ripley's Believe it or Not (Planet Eccentric) and GoldenPalace.com the #1 online casino, so far have jumped on board as sponsors. (You can read all about it on my website under sponsorship.) While down there I am going to be doing a memorial service for the titanic passengers, saying a non-denominational maritime prayer direct from a Navy Chaplain. Did I mention I am also an ordained minister? Yup, became one so I could do this the right way. Norm: Which one of your occupations do you find the most enjoyable and why? Fran: Wow, that's a hard one, because I really enjoy all that I do. I love making people laugh, so stand up feels great. I hopefully make people forget their problems at least for that night. I love inspiring people, so I get a real kick out of doing my keynote motivational talk for people called, "Dare to Do it!" Especially when they come up to me and hug me, or when I get an email that they went out and did something they've always wanted to do because they, "Dared to do it." I love doing my adventures, because it challenges me personally and makes life exciting. I love writing, so nine books later it feels awesome to see my books in store windows, on websites, and especially when I catch someone reading it on the bus or subway. I just love communicating with people. As long as I am making them laugh or inspiring them, I'm happy. Norm: Please tell us something about your most recent book Hopeville: the City of Light. Fran: The Hopeville book, came to me in a strange way, just like the comedy did. It's a story about four people that on the same night pray for light in the world, because they are discouraged. An angel of light appears to each of them and tells them a secret of how to change their town. Each of them does it in his/her own way?and finally after the people see the light, the town is forever changed. It's a book of hope, light and following your dreams. But like I said the book came to me in a very strange way. Norm: Could you tell our audience about some of your other travel adventures? Which one up to now has been the most exciting, and why? Fran: Well, I've done 50 different adventures, ranging from mild to wild; I mentioned some before but others like flying a helicopter, doing the luge, the polar bear plunge, rock repelling, biking down a volcano, going in a deprivation tank etc. They all give you an adrenaline rush in a different way. Mind you, I'm usually scared when I do all of them?its just that I have a philosophy of "FEAR NOTHING, but if you do, do it anyway." See all of us have fear, the key is some of us let it paralyse us, while others use it as the spark for the engine. As far as hardest it was definitely climbing Kilimanjaro. As far as a rush; my four favorites Skydiving, driving racecars, cavern diving and snorkeling with manatees. Okay who am I kidding, I really love them all, except maybe the glass blowing?I wasn't too thrilled with that. But my fianc?e loved it?so everybody's different. The cool thing about the book though is it has adventures that you can't find in other travel books. Plus it has 50 motivational quotes, 50 funny adventure stories, and 50 "Adventure at a glance" pages that tell you all the details so you can do the adventure if you are so inspired. Norm: Could you tell us how you go about marketing your books? Fran: I do many things. First, realize that writing the book is usually the easiest part. Getting people to know about it is the real challenge. And the key is YOU as the writer needs to do most of the legwork. ? Okay, so I send out galley copies to newspapers before the book comes out. ? I send press releases to radio stations, mag. Etc. Using my hook as a fast talker to catch their attention. ? I set up some kind of publicity event so that my book stands out. ? I have a bookstore on my website. ? I carry a box of books in my car at all times. I once sold a book on top of the Sydney Bridge in Australia, thus getting the phrase from my fianc?e, "No one's safe." ? I set up book signings. ? I contact local media. ? I mention the books at all my speaking engagements and comedy gigs. ? I do interviews like this to let people know about my books ? I link with other sites that have readers that may be interested in my books. ? I offer my books to charity's for fundraising events. Norm: Has the Internet boosted your career and if so, how? Fran: Absolutely. I'd say 90% of my speaking engagements come to me from my website. Usually people will be searching comedian, fast talker, or motivational speaker and my name pops up. Also, I notice when I do radio shows and mention the website I get a lot of requests that way as well. I think it is essential for every business person these days to have a easily navigatable website. Norm: How do you want the world to remember Fran Capo? (I know you are not leaving us just now!) Fran: She lived life the way she wanted to?with love, with laughter, with passion and never took no for an answer. She used up all God gave her, and tried to inspire people to do the same. Norm: Is there anything else you care to add that we have not covered? Fran: Yes, remember-Live everyday as if it's your last, and one day you'll be right. And of course what kind of marketing author would I be if I did not mention the following: I have a newsletter that keeps people updated on the Capo happenings, simply called, CAPO UPDATES. Anyone interested can go to my website and ask to be on the list. And of course if you would like to be part of the world record event at the titanic?the sponsorship information is available at my website. Thanks so much Norm, I hope your readers enjoy the interview. Norm Goldman is the Editor of bookpleasures.com & sketchandtravel.com. The former is a book reviewing site comprising over 25 international prestigious reviewers. The latter is a travel site where Norm and his artist wife, Lily, meld words with art. Norm is always open to receiving book review requests, as well as invitation to romantic resorts, B&Bs, hotels, etc in Florida and the New England States.

The Jokes On You -- Who Should be the Butt of Your Jokes?

[Not So] Outgoing Mail

I am currently perplexed by the concept of outgoing mail. I mean, I understand it in theory, but today I tried talking to it and it didn't even respond. What's so outgoing about that? I think it needs to be renamed "shy mail" or "introverted mail". And besides, the reason a lot of people send mail is because they are not outgoing people and would like to instead express themselves in written form. So a new name for this type of mail is only logical. I would suggest names like Ralph or Hector or Agnes, because people don't seem to send mail to people with names like those, and thus the name would be ironic... I'm confused because I constantly hear females saying that they want an outgoing mail, but when I send them letters, they don't respond. But outgoing mail is not my only complaint in regards to the U.S. Postal Service. I also have a problem with stamps. This isn't because there is no stamp with my picture on it -- especially since I think that'd require me to be dead -- but also because many stamps are now stickers, and therefore aren't pushed forcibly, contrary to the definition of "stamp". Furthermore, and perhaps more importantly, I don't think "stamp" would be a good name for a fish. If you are reading this and you name your fish "stamp" and it dies tomorrow, you have no one to blame but yourself and that stupid name... Other misnamed aspects of the U.S. Postal Service include the term "mailman," which is just stating the same thing twice. Then there is also the system of "priority mail," which to me is scary because what is that saying about all the other mail that is sent? Same goes for express mail. That's basically like saying, "Well, we could technically send everything faster, but then we wouldn't be making money, would we?" I am not positive about this, but I think express mail involves very quick flamingoes. One flamingo passes the mail to another, and then that flamingo throws it around a little for fun, before passing it on to a third flamingo, who obviously then gives it to the addressee. But I am not positive about the second flamingo; I'm just sure about the first and third. Nevertheless, I have thought of far too many flaws involving the postal system. If any member of the U.S. Postal Service, particularly a flamingo, would like to follow up with my complaints, please go ahead and e-mail me at comments@progressiverevelations.com. I thought about having people send comments about the mail through the mail system, but that just doesn't work. It's like running around with a burger at a fast food restaurant... Yes, exactly like that... But I digress. Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (<a target="_new" href="http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com">http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com</a>)

A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Jokes Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer? A: She has an extreme craving for baloney. Q: What is the legal definition of "Appeal"? A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store. Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? A: To practice. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12? A: Your Honor. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A: The lawyer charges more. Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? A: The caterer. Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand. Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad? A: Senator Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"? A: It comes with half of Ken's things and alimony. Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull? A: Jewelry. Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions? A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari. Q: What's the difference between lawyers and accountants? A: At least accountants know they're boring. Stories: 1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime. 2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died." 3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" 4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone." And finally: You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone to read these jokes. Richard Chapo is a San Diego business lawyer with <a target="_new" href="http://www.sandiegobusinesslawfirm.com">http://www.sandiegobusinesslawfirm.com</a> and is rumored to have a sense of humor. Then again, you never know with rumors.

The Army Corp of Engineers Having Issues Fixing Breach

The Army Corp of engineers is having a tough time filling in the breaches in the levees. They have tried to use giant sand bags to drop into the hole. Three-Thousand pound bags have been dropped into the breach but to no avail. Lake Pontchartrain has a lot of weight behind it and fixing the breach and pumping out the water could take months. I therefore have an idea. Now before you say my idea is crazy, remember the President to think on this and that no idea is too far out, we need to put on our thinking caps. Good, I have an idea. Most of the lawyers in New Orleans and the Gulf Coast have lost their offices in Hurricane Katrina. They can no longer practice law, since no courts are open for them to file lawsuits and lawyers will just hamper rebuilding efforts anyway. I therefore propose that we use Lawyers to fill the New Orleans broken Levees. We help expire as many lawyers as it takes to fill up the breach-gap left by the Hurricane with dead lawyers. Unfortunately they are so full of shit they do not sink very well. Normally human feces floats and a perfect example of that density proof in physics is the stuff already floating in the New Orleans Soup Bowl. I propose to harden them in a fast heavy plaster mixture with sand bags attached to the abdomen, because it you leave the rope attached which you used to coax them into their civic duty, then eventually the head will depart once submerged for several weeks and we do not want a re-breach if their bodies float away. So we need to leave them secured with straps. Finally a way for the lawyers to pay back society and do some good in the world; Think on this, as there has to be a way to make this happen. "Lance Winslow" - If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; <a target="_new" href="http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs">http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs</a>

The Language of Appalachia

Imagine my surprise when I went to Jamaica a few years ago and learned that I do, indeed, have an accent. You see, unlike my paternal grandmother, I don't stretch the word "cornbread" into four syllables. She might say, "Here. Have ye some co-orn-bray-ed;" whereas I might say, "You want some corn-bread?" See? Two syllables on the cornbread; "you" rather than "ye." Unlike my maternal grandmother, I say "carrion" rather than "kyarn." In fact, I had no idea what she was talking about until recently when I mentioned the word to my husband. I told him, "Grandmother used to say, 'That stinks like kyarn.' I never figured out what 'kyarn' was." He said, "Road kill." My jaw dropped. "You mean, carrion? Kyarn is carrion?" "Yeah," he said. "Put the Appalachian accent to it." It made sense. Unlike my mother-in-law, I say "they fought," not "they fit." Thus, I concluded that I have no accent. After all, I'm fairly well educated. I studied French for three years, and I did some self-study of German and Greek. Plus, I'm well read, and I've authored several books. Ain't I the berries? I couldn't possibly have a hillbilly, Appalachian accent. And, yet, in Jamaica, everyone I met asked, "What part of the South are you from?" So, I did a little research and learned that the Appalachian region has its own language. Linguists call it "Appalachian English." The Scots-Irish settled the entire region known as Appalachia (all of West Virginia and portions of Virginia, Pennsylvania, North Carolina, Kentucky, Tennessee and Georgia) in the mid-1700's. At the time, physical boundaries kept modernization out. Then in the 1940's, the Great Smoky Mountains National Park was created; and that brought tourists to the area. By the 1950's, highways and telephones were more prevalent throughout Appalachia, bringing the modern world another step closer to its rural inhabitants. Now, I don't want you to think we in Appalachia are a bunch of snobs. We realize that the same immigrants who settled here settled land elsewhere, but the linguists tell us that our speech patterns will not be found in any other dialect to the extent that they are in Appalachia. In addition, we Appalachians use variants of our own speech patterns. Just because I don't use the same words as my grandmothers doesn't mean that I don't have an Appalachian accent. In fact, the linguists say that each region has its own speech patterns and that most of us allow our situations to govern our speech. For example, when I'm talking with my family, I'm liable to let down my guard a little-use a bit more Appalachian English and a bit less Standard American English. In a more formal situation, I'll try to employ a lot less Appalachian English. Even though I know from personal experience that most Appalachians are not "dumb hillbillies," I'm afraid that others might see me that way if I use the language I naturally use. And yet, some phonological differences are so inbred, that I can't not use them. Did you know that the t at the end of slept is not silent? You might say, "I slept in this morning." I would say, "I slep in." To me, that "t" just doesn't feel right. It reminds me of an episode of "All in The Family" where Edith met a Jewish baker and he called her "Edit." She told him, "My name's Edith! Th!" So then he called her "Edit-th." To me, "slep-t" would be every bit as awkward. Do you say "exactly" or "exackly"? And how about ten? I've actually heard people say "ten" with a short e sound-like in the word "bed." How weird is that? Tin and ten are words with the "exack" same sound but different meanings. The linguists also point out some lexical differences in Appalachian English. For example, the Standard American English word might be faucet, but the Appalachian English version would be spigot. If somebody looks sick, we might say, "he's peaked" (that's peek-ed). Did you hurt your finger? Then we might say you "stoved it up." I once knew a man who substituted "for" for "because." He'd say, "I need to go to the store, for I'm out of milk." My brother would substitute the entire remainder of our family with the word "nim." He'd ask me, "Did Mama and nim go to the store?" Some people say "knowed" rather than "knew." We're famous for our double negatives. "I don't have none of that." Our present perfect tense has raised some eyebrows, too. "He's done done it now!" This little foray into my Appalachian heritage has given me new insight. We might chop off some of our "-ings"; we might "reckon" rather than "guess" sometimes; and we might have places with such outlandish names as "Lick Skillet," "Frog Holler" and "Sugar Loaf," but we have a rich history. We know where we came from and, for the most part, where we're going. And if anyone thinks we're a bunch of ignorant hillbillies, then you ought to come and get to know us a little better. If you stay long enough, we might be able to teach you how to talk right. Gayle Trent's latest book is a comedic mystery titled BETWEEN A CLUTCH AND A HARD PLACE. Find out more about the book at Gayle's <A target="_new" href="http://gayle24202.tripod.com">Web Page</A>.

The Hidden Driveway

I won't lie: there are a lot of things I want in life, and some of them I'd even pay for. Rather than listing them in some aimless order so that I can feel bad about not having these things, I will instead focus on one thing that is actually attainable: a hidden driveway... I've wanted a hidden driveway for as long as I can remember, which is sometime between yesterday and tomorrow. I was driving on a busy road when I saw the sign to my right that denoted the hidden driveway existed while implying I should be careful of it. And I was - because who am I not to follow a sign, especially when it pertains to something hidden? Many would consider hidden driveways to be dangerous because a person who backs out of such a location may be hit by oncoming traffic - or even outgoing traffic, or even a wandering turtle with a jetpack. Sure, there are rearview and side mirrors, but those with hidden driveways are rebels, and rebels don't use mirrors except to adjust their ski masks and glow-in-the-dark sunglasses... One may now be wondering why I would want a hidden driveway if they are indeed so dangerous. To begin, it would help to cut down random visits from people I don't want to see. I could even be extra nice to these people, inviting them over for the best cheesecake this side of Mouseville. But then, alas, they'd never find my driveway. Thus, I'd be known as a nice person who "unfortunately" lives at a location that is hard to find. This would also elevate the reputation of the cheesecake... The better reason for wanting a hidden driveway, though, is that it would make me seem like a secret agent every time I leave for work, head for the local convenient store, or even move the car so that there is more room to play horseshoes. To add to the mystique of my persona, I would leave the driveway only when it is dark outside, or when everyone else is at some local festival that I skipped because of how hidden I am. Eventually, after a couple of years of keeping up this routine, I would not even need a car because no one would be able to see it anyway, which contradicts the reason for having one. Rather, I would walk everywhere that is within walking distance - and everything else I would have delivered... Such would be the life of a person with a hidden driveway. If you have one, please invite me over sometime soon so I can practice backing out of one... But I digress. Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (<a target="_new" href="http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com">http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com</a>)

วันอังคารที่ 28 ตุลาคม พ.ศ. 2551

[Not So] Outgoing Mail

Coffee Tips (and the Elimination Thereof)

I have recently become frustrated with something at doughnut establishments, and I'm not referring to the scones, although -- seriously -- just think about the writing possibilities if I were. Rather, it's the tip cup that bothers me... To begin, I do realize that doughnut (or donut, take your pick) shops aren't the only places with these cups. But for the sake of this column, I need to be oblivious to all of the other ones in order to keep some sort of focus, so bear with me here... Yogi: That's right, I am. Smokey: Me too At any rate, my first question is what we are tipping when we contribute extra change, sometimes even dollar bills, into the doughnut tip cup. Is it the way the employees stretch to grab the lemon-filled that is so challenging, or is coffee pouring more of an art than I thought it was? The thing is, I always end up tipping because it's become an obligation rather than a choice. Blood and jelly are the same color and I realize that... Still, this tip cup could have its advantages. For example, doughnut establishments could use the money to fund research in the creation of new doughnuts. Personally, I'd like to know that my extra 15 cents per day was putting some college intern hard to work in order to find out if sprinkles really do taste better when they're multi-colored, or to see if cr?me mixed with pickle juice is such a bad idea after all. And then, when this research is complete (and thorough), I want to see my name somewhere on the official document... Doughnut Shop Owner: Wait a minute, wait a minute -- you are getting way too carried away. Greg: So are you. And it's about time someone stood up for the doughnut consumers of America. Owner: That's ironic, considering most of them sit down. Greg: True. But that's besides the point. I will only stop writing when you tell me why the tip cup is there. Owner: I will, but I need you to keep this is a secret, okay? Greg: Sounds good to me. Owner: You see, we need advice -- like, really serious advice. And so we put that tip cup there hoping that we'd get it, and unfortunately people are missing the point. Greg: Oh, I see. Well, I have some advice for you, sir. Owner: Thank you, what is it? Greg: Well, it'll cost you 50 cents... But I digress. Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (<a target="_new" href="http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com">http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com</a>)

Maybelle Misfire Joins Mega Corp

The Patience of Job

Voltaire said, "God is a comedian playing to an audience afraid to laugh." Translated, if you're a tight ass, there's a two drink minimum to read this article. Let me just say, I believe in God but like many, I've questioned His existence. Most people will say the reason they doubt God's existence is because, "If there's a God, why is there so much suffering, and why is there war?" Blah, Blah, blah, blah blah? My sole reason for doubting the existence of God is work. (I, however, never question the existence of a higher power for I worship at his altar every day from 9 to 5.) If there is a God why do we not have five-day weekends and two-day workweeks? He's God. He can make it happen. In God we trust, right? Well I trust in God to give us a five-day weekend. Think of the positives of a two-day work week. You'd say things like, "Wow, that workweek really flew bye." Think of what it would do for the economy because as Americans what are we really, but consumers? Think of it this way. If the United States Senate can get away with only working 110 days a year, why can't we? Women will have five full days a week to shop, and tell men what to do. Maybe, just maybe, we'll have more time to spend with our kids so they don't remain a bunch of illiterate crack heads. More people might believe in heaven because life on earth won't be such a living hell. I believe, with faith, God will grant us my wish. Let me illustrate through the Bible. Isn't it ironic that in the book of the Bible where the name of the person who suffers the most is spelled J.O.B.? The story of Job is one of perseverance. Job is given leprosy, has his family, money and worldly possessions taken from him and it's all a test of faith. It is a horrible story! I didn't like it when I read it but I said. "Fine, He's God. He can do what He wants. After all, it is His world. Like Job, who am I to question?" What I can question are employers playing the part of God by expecting us to have the patience of Job in order to keep our job. They may not be giving us infectious diseases but they are sure taking our money, ruining our personal lives, and making work a living hell. (Personally, I don't have the patience of Job. I'm like the Prodigal Son--at the first sign of a party I'm off to the fatted cow happy hour for half-price matzoh and dollar shots of Manishevitz. If I need some bread I'll come back in the morning crawling on my hands and knees.) In the Book of Job, Job finally said, "Hey God, how bout a little something for the effort?" God responded, "Don't question my authority but you're right. I have been a little harsh on you." Job then had all his riches returned ten-fold. Now that's pretty just, is it not? Well, I'm asking, "Hey God, how bout a five-day weekend, for the heck of it?" (If you see me on the golf course mid-week you'll know God answered my prayers.) Michael P. Westhead is the founder of <A target="_new" href="http://www.cutthroatcomedy.com">www.cutthroatcomedy.com</A> which features original quotes, jokes, cartoons, products, and articles focusing on politics, current events and life in general.

วันจันทร์ที่ 27 ตุลาคม พ.ศ. 2551

A French Teachers Memories: First Day at School

Despite my diplomas that allowed me to teach in state secondary schools, and my requests, I had been appointed to teach to a sixth-grade class. At least, I almost worked in my backyard. The morning classes went smoothly. I knew that my pupils were experiencing many new situations. In primary school, they were all day long in the same classroom with the same teacher, who knew them by their first name. During their first sixth-grade day, they met a different teacher at each hour, each time in another classroom that was to be found among hundreds. They were mainly concerned by finding and reaching the right room on time. Any of them would have been happy to recognize and to sit beside the girl or the boy they did not want to be seen with last year, when the world was not that large. The afternoon classes began at two o'clock. (As much as possible, lunch time is scheduled on regular bases for the youngest.) I unlocked the classroom and let the children enter. I counted them as they passed in front of me. One was missing. I checked in the attendance notebook: no pupil was reported absent. I had no idea about what I was supposed to do and began to wonder how to report the fact, when TocTocToc, somebody knocked at the door. - "Come in!" A little girl came in. - "Excuse-me, Madame, I was lost." Before I could reprimand those who laughed, she began to vomit. I pointed a girl out: "Go to the infirmary with her." -"Where is it, Madame?" she asked. I did not know. I had no time to reflect, the second girl vomited, then a boy, then I could count no longer. I thought of a food poisoning and sent two pupils who looked in good health to warn the chief supervisor "or any grown up you find". Yes, I was losing my head at full speed! At last, the cavalry came to the rescue: firemen (in France, they dealt with any emergency issue, not only fire), ambulances, the medical staff and the cleaning team. As the pupils in the other classrooms were not affected, it could not be because of a food poisoning and No!, I am not noxious! The first girl vomitted because of her fear of being lost, late and alone. The others let themselves be led by her because they felt the same fear of being lost, late and alone. To yawn is infectious also. I would have prefered she yawned. Gabrielle Guichard is a French teacher who can be listened to on <a target="_new" href="http://www.frenchpodcasting.com/">FrenchPodcasting.com</a>.

Laughing Toward Truth: Six Tips for Lighthearted Thinkers

Do you believe in the power of your convictions? It's time to lighten up. People love attaching themselves to ideas. We can get pretty feisty when one of our beloved beliefs is challenged. We're too busy defending to spend our time analyzing. Truth has a tendency to get in the way of our beliefs. We like having our rules to live by, our reasons for feeling righteous, and our excuses for ending intellectual exploration. Just as we climb up a ladder, we like counting on certain rungs to hold steady. Thinking about cracks just makes us uneasy. That approach works if your goal is to reach the top, but it doesn't allow for much examination or lateral growth. Plus, there's always the risk that you'll come crashing down. Quick quiz: What fills you with more satisfaction--being right or discovering the truth? Of course, the best scenario is discovering that you knew the truth all along. Validation is a huge motivator. That's why we find it more exhilarating to win an argument than to learn more about the other side. It's kind of like that whole "life is about the journey" concept. The thrill is in the seeking. We've forgotten that. It's as though we went on a treasure hunt, stumbled upon what we thought was the hidden booty, and now we've become complacent. What if what you found wasn't the real treasure? What if the whole point was to keep looking? Thinkers have been wrestling with the concept of truth for ages. Socrates was fond of saying that there are only two kinds of beings who do not need philosophy: the gods, who are already wise, and the fools, who think they are wise. We want to be in that large middle group of people who recognize their lack of wisdom and continue their quest for truth and knowledge. It's helpful to be reminded that our role as humans isn't to figure things out--it's to KEEP ON figuring things out. Don't take my word for it. Here are some truisms about truth from some formidable thinkers. #1 "The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd; indeed in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible." Bertrand Russell, British mathematician Can't think of any widely held absurd beliefs? You're not trying hard enough! Fashion, pop culture, politics, (gasp!) religion, and virtually every other arena of modern life is full of examples of ideas that have somehow taken hold but defy logic. Good Thinker rule number one is simply this: Never accept an idea just because everyone else does. #2 "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." Albert Einstein, American physicist Leave it to Albert to maintain that crucial sense of humor and humility. The more we know, the more we get a clue about how much we don't know. At least, that's the way it's supposed to work. You probably know people who haven't quite come around to that realization yet. Get there now. Accept it, celebrate it, and keep on thinking. #3 "Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it." Andre Gide, French writer Your best bet is to hang out with those who are happy to admit that they don't have all the answers. As friends, co-workers and party guests, they tend to be a lot more fun, anyway. #4 "Chase after the truth like all hell and you'll free yourself, even though you never touch its coattails." Clarence Darrow, American attorney Play the game and have some fun with it, even if you never score. Remember playing games with your friends way back when you were five? You didn't have a clear sense of the rules or even the point of the game, and neither did anyone else. It didn't matter. The reason you were playing was to simply enjoy the game, even if that meant making it up as you went along. Approach truth-seeking like a five-year-old playing a new game. Don't get caught up in the regulations, and don't keep score. Who cares who's winning? #5 "And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh." Friedrich Nietzsche, German philosopher Nietzsche saluted the creative force that feeds us. Despite a life of ill health and misery, he recognized the value of joy in the seeking of truth. Most of us have it a whole lot easier than Nietzsche. We have no excuse for not laughing. #6 "Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing the matter with this, except that it ain't so."Mark Twain, American writer Truth doesn't rise to the surface. You've got to dig for it. Truth doesn't automatically rule; fallacies with excellent public relations campaigns tend to dominate in our culture. Truth isn't easy, but it isn't supposed to be. If you want to dive into the human experience in all its glory, you're going to be wading through a lot of ideas masquerading as the truth. Think for yourself, and have some fun with it. Look for truth in the unlikeliest places. Find the absurdity in every idea. The best philosophers have loads of laugh lines. Start creating yours. You'll become a better thinker, a happier truth-seeker, and a more excellent human. Maya Talisman Frost is a mind masseuse in Portland, Oregon. Through her company, Real-World Mindfulness Training, she teaches fun and effective eyes-wide-open alternatives to meditation. To subscribe to her free weekly ezine, the Friday Mind Massage, please visit <a target="_new" href="http://www.MassageYourMind.com">http://www.MassageYourMind.com</a>

The Hidden Driveway

Eye Spy Potatoes

Lately I've had the problem of falling asleep with my contact lenses still in my eyes. And by "lately," I mean for the past seven years. This, in a lot of ways, is the pinnacle of laziness because the removal of contacts takes no more than a minute or two, or three hours if it's your first time. But I've come to the conclusion this morning that there is a reason I fail to remove the contacts: deep down, I am hoping to find certain people in my dreams. So if I have the contacts on my eyes, then perhaps my eyes will be able to contact them. Isn't logic wonderful? I am pretty sure, in fact, that if I never remove my contacts, a telephone may become a thing of the past... If we really do follow logic with our eyes, then why don't we use potatoes as optometrists? Any vegetable with that many eyes must have good sight. The only thing we'd have to worry about is their communication skills, because I've yet to hear a potato talk, especially not in full sentences. Plus, we need to get rid of the negative stereotypes of potatoes caused by Mr. Potato Head, who never seems to have his feet or arms in the right place. Quite honestly, I don't think we can trust something -- or someone -- like that with our vision. Truly you'd be able to say that nobody "nose" the trouble if your nose is in an eye socket... If the trust does accumulate, I think we need to assure the general population that not only will these potatoes test our eye sight, but they will also help to remove pointy objects, such as broken light bulbs from lamps. Imagine the possible diagnosis: "Well, your eyes are good, but your lamp is going to have to stay here for another 24 hours. You can never be careful, you know." Speaking of columns going nowhere, I think most rabbits have more money than people realize, with all those carrots and whatnot. The thing is, what is a rabbit supposed to do with money? This question leads me to think that rabbits need financial advisers who will take care of money matters and tell them that money does matter, but then tell them the opposite once they invest half of their money and lose it. Bugs and Roger would be proud... In conclusion, I must stop falling asleep with contacts in my eyes, because eventually such an action will cause me to write very bad columns about rabbits and money. Luckily I don't think that will happen for quite some time... But I digress. Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (<a target="_new" href="http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com">http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com</a>)

Got Originality?

There are many ways to be original these days. But unfortunately I cannot reveal any of these ways because the followers would then not be original, would they? Now, I realize that somewhere between one to two people would have followed the advice I gave, but just in case my calculations were off - and it turns out three would have followed - I need to be careful about what I write ? One slogan which completely frustrates me due to its lack of originality is "got ____?" That's right - that lowercase phrase which was formerly synonymous with milk (and is now synonymous with everything) is so clich? that it's even clich? to write "got clich??" But the worst is not behind us. The other day I saw a sign for an ATM machine that asked the question, "got cash?" This makes me wonder how far the slogan will extend before it finally fades. Here are five signs which I hope we never see, for any of them could mean the end of the world as we know it. And if it's the end of the world, how will we ever be able to celebrate the end of that slogan? 5. got goats? - I am not sure why this one would scare me. I guess it's something about selling goats to the mainstream that throws me off, or maybe I am afraid that too many far-sighted people will think it's an advertisement for coats. Either way, goats don't need to be a part of such a cliched scheme in order to be sold. That would be very baaaad. At least that's what a sheep told me. 4. got gas? - Just imagine the confusion. Those who need fuel in their cars would stop in order to fill their tanks. But what about those who just came back from the local Taco Bell? They don't need to be at a station where they can get gas. Rather, they need to be at a place where? Well, you get the picture. 3. got snot? - We don't need to be selling snot, let alone buying it. But if we are ever at a point where snot is something in which people become interested, let's not hold down the sales by asking people if they have it, because ultimately everybody does. 2. got my mother? - No.. 1. got death? - If cemeteries start using this slogan, then we know the world has become too commercialized. Not only is it a morbid statement, but those who can answer in the affirmative will not even be given the opportunity to do so. But I digress. Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (<a target="_new" href="http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com">http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com</a>)

allergies

วันศุกร์ที่ 31 ตุลาคม พ.ศ. 2551

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วันพฤหัสบดีที่ 30 ตุลาคม พ.ศ. 2551

The Jokes On You -- Who Should be the Butt of Your Jokes?

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วันพุธที่ 29 ตุลาคม พ.ศ. 2551

I Got to Play an April Fools Joke Before I was Born

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Norm Goldman Interviews Comedienne Fran Capo,the Guinness Book Worlds Record for the Fastest Talking

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The Hidden Driveway

วันอังคารที่ 28 ตุลาคม พ.ศ. 2551

[Not So] Outgoing Mail

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Maybelle Misfire Joins Mega Corp

The Patience of Job

วันจันทร์ที่ 27 ตุลาคม พ.ศ. 2551

A French Teachers Memories: First Day at School

Laughing Toward Truth: Six Tips for Lighthearted Thinkers

The Hidden Driveway

Eye Spy Potatoes

Got Originality?

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